I was okay..

[hiddenbpd]

I had posted a couple months ago about how I stopped birth control and felt the clouds part and my depression lifted. It was the most amazing feeling and made me wonder why I ever considered suicide. I genuinely thought I was cured.

Now, 4 months later and I've hit the bottom again. I can't enjoy anything, life feels ugly, the urges to harm myself are back daily, and I don't feel like there's any way out besides suicide. My therapist only wants to see me monthly. I've lost 2 friends in the last 2 months, and the one friend who hasn't outwardly left, barely talks to me. My support network is non-existent.

I don't want suicide to be my only option, but I'm afraid it may be. Has anyone figured out how to feel lust for life after losing it? I want to feel good, but if that isn't an option, I don't want to live at all.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I am really sorry to hear that you've relapsed into depression. You were not cursed then, and you're not cursed now. I don't know if I can offer any advice on how to find a lust for life again, as I've never really had it in the first place, though there are things that I kind of look forward to and things that keep me going at the same time. But I was browsing a thread today of someone that had recovered and found a way to go on again, and in general I believe that those who want to get better can more than likely achieve just that. As long as the desire is there, it's possible. It seems you still have it, so maybe there are some things that can be done.

It's always possible to create a new support network, and you can even start right here on this forum. I would have absolutely no problem in being a part of that network, if you would like. In the meantime, is it possible to see your therapist more often? Do you have any hobbies or past times that you do regularly? Any that you've lost to time and could possibly get into again? Is there anything that you absolutely want to do or try before you die? Those could possibly be good places to start when it comes to finding the enjoyment in life again.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I would have absolutely no problem in being a part of that network, if you would like.

You're very sweet. Thank you for the support . It is a lot easier to continue moving forward if there's someone walking with you, but unfortunate for me, it's always been something I've struggled with. I tend to drain people until there's nothing left, then feel terrible about it.

is it possible to see your therapist more often? Do you have any hobbies or past times that you do regularly? Any that you've lost to time and could possibly get into again? Is there anything that you absolutely want to do or try before you die?

I stopped seeing my therapist when I was doing better, so it's been tough to get back in recently. Lately I feel like I'm bugging him and I don't want him to hate me, so I let him pick the date and avoid asking for sooner appointments.
As for hobbies, I'm going to get back into softball this summer. Besides that, no real hobbies, I've tried to get into a lot of things but always end up half assing it.
I'd like to travel more. I guess that could be a goal moving forward before suicide...

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It does seem like the birth control was exacerbating the problem, but obviously there are bigger issues that no medication is going to magically change the reality of.

I can relate to the loss of friends. I've lost almost everyone I made friends with over the years. It leaves an emptiness nothing will actually fill. That has played a significant role in my own suicidal thoughts in the past.

I can't promise what has worked for me can work for you - everyone is different and their own feelings are both valid for them but not necessarily for others - but in my experience it was focusing in on just one or two simple things that made me happy. In my case, playing games, listening to music (I've come to really like lofi more for the soothing effect that can have) and spending time with my cat. Maybe some would argue things like that don't matter, but if my feelings when I've been depressed are valid, then the simple happiness when I could focus on those things is too. Keeping my focus on them keeps me away from the negativity, which has always been the goal. Since you said you like the idea of having other options, then I'd say think about what a couple of the key things are that really take your mind away from the pain are, and invest in doing those even more.

Even with that though, I get lack of companionship leaves a unique hole that only having it can fix. While it isn't as ideal as time in person with someone you've made memories with, I would say that there are people here who care and understand your pain and are willing to listen. I am, for one. So keep doing what you just did and seek out convo here. It isn't perfect but it is certainly less lonely. If you need anything you need only ask. I'm not perfect but I'll do what I can to help. Whatever happens, don't let those people who gave up on you define your sense of value. Your value is in you and not a god damn thing will ever take it from you.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I tend to drain people until there's nothing left, then feel terrible about it.

I know this feeling all too well. :') But because I do, I tend not to give up on others. So if you ever need it, I'm seriously here. I am only a message away.

Lately I feel like I'm bugging him and I don't want him to hate me, so I let him pick the date and avoid asking for sooner appointments.

Hmm, I dunno if your therapist would think the same way. I think if he's a good therapist, he would rather be "bothered" than to have you drown when you need the help that they can provide. I also doubt that he will even think of extra appointments as a bother, nor will he hate you, but I know how it feels to feel that way no matter what. I hope that if you ever need it or if you're ever in a crisis, you do set some extra appointments. Maybe you may benefit from visits on a more regular basis, therapists are equipped to help us more than anyone else that we can vent to!

I'd like to travel more. I guess that could be a goal moving forward before suicide...

Me too! There are some places on my bucket list that I'm determined to see before I go. Working toward that can be a good way to stall until we find ways to genuinely recover. Things to look forward to in general are, because they'll keep us going.

I'm happy to hear that you're starting softball again when it gets warmer in the summer. It would be great for your mental health to get out in the sun and move around. If you're interested in traveling, that can become a hobby too. Even if it's traveling on a small and affordable scale, like going to see places a city over, for example. But that's only if you can. I am really guilty of trying to get into things and half-assing it as well, but I've recently gotten my own transportation so I definitely want to see more places. I've been holed up in my apartment since I moved, haha.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It does seem like the birth control was exacerbating the problem, but obviously there are bigger issues that no medication is going to magically change the reality of.

I can relate to the loss of friends. I've lost almost everyone I made friends with over the years. It leaves an emptiness nothing will actually fill. That has played a significant role in my own suicidal thoughts in the past.

I can't promise what has worked for me can work for you - everyone is different and their own feelings are both valid for them but not necessarily for others - but in my experience it was focusing in on just one or two simple things that made me happy. In my case, playing games, listening to music (I've come to really like lofi more for the soothing effect that can have) and spending time with my cat. Maybe some would argue things like that don't matter, but if my feelings when I've been depressed are valid, then the simple happiness when I could focus on those things is too. Keeping my focus on them keeps me away from the negativity, which has always been the goal. Since you said you like the idea of having other options, then I'd say think about what a couple of the key things are that really take your mind away from the pain are, and invest in doing those even more.

Even with that though, I get lack of companionship leaves a unique hole that only having it can fix. While it isn't as ideal as time in person with someone you've made memories with, I would say that there are people here who care and understand your pain and are willing to listen. I am, for one. So keep doing what you just did and seek out convo here. It isn't perfect but it is certainly less lonely. If you need anything you need only ask. I'm not perfect but I'll do what I can to help. Whatever happens, don't let those people who gave up on you define your sense of value. Your value is in you and not a god damn thing will ever take it from you.

Thank you for your kindness. I really like your perspective and find it helpful. Now if only I can get my mind to work that way haha.
You're right about it being hard to fill the void of not having human connection. I want so badly to have connection with others, but end up pushing everyone away in my efforts because- being borderline- I struggle with relationships. Unless I keep my struggles to myself, no one likes me. But anyway, thank you again. Your support means a lot to me

I am only a message away.

Thank you for being so sweet. I'm used to giving my all to everyone else, maybe one day I'll learn how to ask for help in a way that doesn't scare people.

Maybe you may benefit from visits on a more regular basis, therapists are equipped to help us more than anyone else that we can vent to!

You're probably right. I'll keep this in mind.
Thanks also for the positive encouragement. I'll try hard to find some things I'm interested in and attempt to pursue them. Hopefully I'll find something that makes me happy, or at least tolerable of this life.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I know it is far easier for me to suggest things than for you to apply them, so definitely don't take anything I said as implying I also think it will be easy. I know it's not. But I've no doubt you're strong enough to make progress. Even if an inch at the time, every inch is further from where you started and closer to that proverbial finish line. That is significant, so don't let that intrusive thought "I'm not getting anywhere" have power over you. It doesn't; you do.

I'm sorry to hear you struggle with borderline, that sucks. I can't speak for others' experiences with you, but I've enjoyed talking to you so far. And while I may not be borderline I can sympathize with being a different sort of personality and feeling like that pushes people away, so you aren't alone in those feelings. And that you care about connecting with others and actively try says something amazing about you. The world is full of people who are "better off" who don't care and try like that. I wish we had a million less like them, and a million more like you in that way. People like you are what make the world a better place, at least to me.

You're welcome for whatever encouragement you felt. Just know it isn't a one off. Happy to keep talking and learning more about you if that's what you want. You haven't scared me off. :)

Thank you for your kindness. I really like your perspective and find it helpful. Now if only I can get my mind to work that way haha.
You're right about it being hard to fill the void of not having human connection. I want so badly to have connection with others, but end up pushing everyone away in my efforts because- being borderline- I struggle with relationships. Unless I keep my struggles to myself, no one likes me. But anyway, thank you again. Your support means a lot to me

Thank you for being so sweet. I'm used to giving my all to everyone else, maybe one day I'll learn how to ask for help in a way that doesn't scare people.

You're probably right. I'll keep this in mind.
Thanks also for the positive encouragement. I'll try hard to find some things I'm interested in and attempt to pursue them. Hopefully I'll find something that makes me happy, or at least tolerable of t

 

[hiddenbpd]

I wish we had a million less like them, and a million more like you in that way. People like you are what make the world a better place, at least to me.

This. This got to me . You're so sweet; this is the kindest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.

Happy to keep talking and learning more about you if that's what you want. You haven't scared me off. :)

Thank you for being supportive. This world makes it easy to feel like you're alone. I was going to private message you, but I see you're new and don't have that feature yet. But I'm more than happy to talk to you further.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

This. This got to me . You're so sweet; this is the kindest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.

Thank you for being supportive. This world makes it easy to feel like you're alone. I was going to private message you, but I see you're new and don't have that feature yet. But I'm more than happy to talk to you further.

Yeah, sorry to keep you waiting on that. I wasn't originally aware when I joined how all that worked on messaging. Whenever it becomes available to me, definitely feel free to contact me privately. I'd like that a lot. For now, I'm glad anything I said was able to be meaningful for you. Advising others when it comes to depression in a way is like dealing with depression: both are sort of a stumbling in the dark, hoping you find the path. I humble myself enough that I never feel certain I'm saying the right thing, but I speak from the heart and hope the fact I am guides me in the way others are needing atm. It's validating to hear I'm succeeding in any way.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Yeah, sorry to keep you waiting on that. I wasn't originally aware when I joined how all that worked on messaging. Whenever it becomes available to me, definitely feel free to contact me privately. I'd like that a lot. For now, I'm glad anything I said was able to be meaningful for you. Advising others when it comes to depression in a way is like dealing with depression: both are sort of a stumbling in the dark, hoping you find the path. I humble myself enough that I never feel certain I'm saying the right thing, but I speak from the heart and hope the fact I am guides me in the way others are needing atm. It's validating to hear I'm succeeding in any way.

You'll likely have access to messaging tomorrow, it's no problem. I can wait.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and try to be understanding of others' needs. You've given me comfort in knowing that there are good people out there who want the best for others, but understand the challenge in getting there also.

 

[Valky]

Recovery is sadly not a steady road. There are lots of ups and downs, some shorter, some longer but that doesn't mean that you are not progressing and can't get better again. Talk to your therapist, tell him how you feel and that you need more frequent visits. If they say no because they don't have enough time then find another one. It can sadly be hard to find one that fits you so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out with some.

Things like Depression tend to make suicide seem like the only option but that is simply not true. Hang in there, you got this <3

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Recovery is sadly not a steady road. There are lots of ups and downs, some shorter, some longer but that doesn't mean that you are not progressing and can't get better again. Talk to your therapist, tell him how you feel and that you need more frequent visits. If they say no because they don't have enough time then find another one. It can sadly be hard to find one that fits you so don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out with some.

Things like Depression tend to make suicide seem like the only option but that is simply not true. Hang in there, you got this <3

Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing that with her.

 

[Valky]

Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing that with her.

Thank you, that means a lot <3