I was never meant for this life.

[FuneralCry]

I really should have never existed in the first place, every day it hurts me that I have to endure this life and that it is so difficult to leave this world. As long as someone is alive there is no escape from suffering and the pain can always get so much worse. That is why life is so horrifying.

Ever since I was young, it has felt wrong me being alive, there has never been anything that I have wanted out of life and there has never been anything here for me at all. Even if I wanted to, I could never live, it would be impossible for me. I cannot cope with life, simply just existing is stressful and tiring for me and is painful. Of course I do not want to live, I could never want to participate in this awful unnecessary experience called life.

Even if I could change certain things, I would still suffer no matter what. Every moment of my life has always been suffering in some way. I never feel calm, never relaxed or at peace. I believe that peace does not exist in this life, it would be impossible, it only exists in death, and peace is all that I want. To never have to think or feel again, to never have to experience another long depressing day.

The thought of dying is very comforting as there will simply be nothing, nothing can hurt me.
I just think that in general, life is so depressing and just awful. There is nothing positive about being alive, nothing that could ever make life worth living. It is just tiring having to exist in a world that I am not meant for. Time passes too slowly and I wish that I could just fall asleep forever and this life would be forgotten about. I deserve to pass away peacefully, I never asked for any of this. My life has always been a terrible mistake, it should never have happened.

 

[Lullaby]

I always relate to so much of what you say. I've always felt like maybe I was a mistake, and it's been heavy on my mind a lot more these last couple of months.

I also remember you mentioning you have Tinnitus, which is something I started experiencing within the last year, so I know how much that adds onto the struggle.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

 

[vold3m0r†]

i honestly completely understand how you feel.

i cant wait to die. only thing keeping me here are my dogs. the thought of leaving them hurts more than life itself.

I never feel calm, never relaxed or at peace. I believe that peace does not exist in this life, it would be impossible, it only exists in death, and peace is all that I want. To never have to think or feel again, to never have to experience another long depressing day.

100% same here. life is so depressing, and its suffocating. i wake up, only longing for sleeps warm embrace all over again. vivid dreams of any kind sometimes keep me going, strangely enough. lol.

If i won the lottery, even that wouldnt stop me from ctb, i would live for a while until my pets cross over the rainbow, and then pay an institution to euthanize me, and leave the rest of the money to some charity.

i dont see myself living past 50.

 

[Zzzzz]

I am sorry. I hate every single day but find it extremely difficult to ctb.

 

[Messgram]

if you had a bottle of numbutal would you ctb now?

 

[FuneralCry]

if you had a bottle of numbutal would you ctb now?

I'm pretty sure that most people probably would. A lot of people are probably only still alive as ctb is difficult for them, there is so much suffering in this world and people are living unbearable lives. I do think that I would take the N, as if I stayed alive then it would just be another day of pain, there is no point to living.

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm pretty sure that most people probably would. A lot of people are probably only still alive as ctb is difficult for them, there is so much suffering in this world and people are living unbearable lives. I do think that I would take the N, as if I stayed alive then it would just be another day of pain, there is no point to living.

I am sorry you feel this way about life. I feel pretty shitty about it as well. However, I am slightly confused regarding your last sentence. Are you saying you wouldn't take N, if you had it?

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry you feel this way about life. I feel pretty shitty about it as well. However, I am slightly confused regarding your last sentence. Are you saying you wouldn't take N, if you had it?

I meant to say that I would take the N. But since I do not have it, I am hoping that I just die in my sleep.

 

[Lost Magic]

I meant to say that I would take the N. But since I do not have it, I am hoping that I just die in my sleep.

I hear you. I prayed to God a couple of years back to just let me die in my sleep. I was hoping since I was riddled with anxiety, grief and drastic weight loss that my heart would just give up. Sadly, It didn't but even doctors say that nocturnal death is very rare. You are more likely to get hit by a lorry than die in your sleep. I am glad I have both N and SN, because without them, I would feel like I would have to suffer for even more decades in this absurd fucked up world. Best wishes to you anyway.

 

[freedompass]

i dont see myself living past 50.

I wish I hadn't. That was when the chronic passive suicidality started. That's when any possible meaning in my life ended. Some might say a loss of faith. A lot of it is tied up with my resounding failure as a parent. Tonight I'm lying awake ruminating. Can't sleep to save my life.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hope i am dead long before 50. Hopefully I die at 32.

 

[Sakura94]

Well I think you've made up your mind FC.

 

[VapeAway]

I was never meant for this life. Dysfunctional family, mentally ill, non functional, complicated and stunted adult.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm pretty sure that most people probably would. A lot of people are probably only still alive as ctb is difficult for them, there is so much suffering in this world and people are living unbearable lives.

No, most people in this world wouldn't down a bottle of N if they had access to it. Not everyone is miserable, much less suicidal.

 

[solisoccasus]

I'm sorry that you suffer. I, too, cannot wait to die but something still holds me back.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, most people in this world wouldn't down a bottle of N if they had access to it. Not everyone is miserable, much less suicidal.

I think that a lot of people pretend to be positive in front of others, a lot of people keep their suffering and how they really feel to themselves. And also, I think that if N was very easily accessible to everyone, and people could peacefully pass away at a time of their own choosing, then people would begin to realise how pointless life really is and many would probably begin to see life as not being worth living.

 

[motel rooms]

I think that a lot of people pretend to be positive in front of others, a lot of people keep their suffering and how they really feel to themselves. And also, I think that if N was very easily accessible to everyone, and people could peacefully pass away at a time of their own choosing, then people would begin to realise how pointless life really is and many would probably begin to see life as not being worth living.

You're projecting your (necessarily subjective) worldview onto other people... Most human beings aren't incredibly happy, but they aren't deeply unhappy either, much less nihilistic & drawn to suicide. Why is it so hard for you to understand that?

 

[FuneralCry]

You're projecting your (necessarily subjective) worldview onto other people... Most human beings aren't incredibly happy, but they aren't deeply unhappy either, much less nihilistic & drawn to suicide. Why is it so hard for you to understand that?

There is nothing subjective about life being only suffering. There are so many horrible things that exist in this world and that is the truth. Wanting to live simply makes no sense to me. Things could get so much worse for anyone and there is nothing enjoyable about living.

Most people on here probably feel similarly to me, it is a suicide forum after all. I am just sharing my views and I only created this thread as a way to pass the time. It is a shame that this forum is becoming so pro life.

 

[ornitier199]

It is a shame that this forum is becoming so pro life.

Yeah it's turning into the dumpster fire on the other site 'dive into anything'.
I just read the PPeH, get my methods I haven't tired yet and do it. getting it done be it painful or agonizing is what matters that I die.

 

[needforvoid_]

Life for me has no purpose, both suffering and joys are just something to experience in this meat, I'm not too able to feel the latter. But ppl can feel it. Most ppl. Yeah, some are delusional. But they feel it. Some can agree that life is meaningless and still choose it over death, try to make the best out of it. It's a choice. I'm high on sugar rn. I'll probably be agreeing with you in half an hour.
I think that have I had a diff environment, I might've ended up a life-appreciating "normie".

 

[WonderingSoul]

It is a shame that this forum is becoming so pro life.

I've been starting to notice it too and it's beginning to really irritate me.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

There is nothing subjective about life being only suffering. There are so many horrible things that exist in this world and that is the truth. Wanting to live simply makes no sense to me. Things could get so much worse for anyone and there is nothing enjoyable about living.

Most people on here probably feel similarly to me, it is a suicide forum after all. I am just sharing my views and I only created this thread as a way to pass the time. It is a shame that this forum is becoming so pro life.

What is your idea of a meaningful life? In what kind of world would you like to live?

 

[FuneralCry]

What is your idea of a meaningful life? In what kind of world would you like to live?

To me, there is no such thing as a meaningful life. Life has no meaning, it is just a pointless experience that we go through for the sake of it. Life is only suffering and that can never be meaningful in any way. Our only true purpose as humans is to die, life is just waiting around for death.

The idea that life has any meaning is a delusion. Many people do not want to accept how pointless their lives are and how insignificant they really are so they invent meanings for themselves. The objective truth is that there is no point to living.

I do not want to live in any kind of world, I only want non existence. Before I was born, I was perfectly fine not existing until I was forced to live. I see simply being alive as being torture and the fact that life is a thing in the first place is so horrifying. Nothing could ever make me want to live.

 

[hungry_ghost]

It is a shame that this forum is becoming so pro life.

His sentiment wasn't pro-life, it was just stating fact: despite suffering being a part of life, most people do not want to die.

 

[αmber]

I make your words my words.

I have kind of the same feeling towards life. I have always felt myself quite unfit with everything around me. Life seems boring and evil. We are born, go to school for many years of our childhood and adolescence. Then, we have to find a job or get accepted into a university, bear with a lot of stress of all kinds. Then, work most of our lives. We may travel or practice our hobbies sometimes. Then, we are old, and with age comes physical pain and all kind of illness. We are left only with the memories of the long past times (if we do not end up with dementia). That is it. Then, we die.

Spoiler

ps: this is how life seems to be idealized by society; I am certain that many may not follow a path like this due to a lot of other variables.

Living is boring and prone to unlimited amounts of suffering. I wish it all could simply go inexistent with one night of sleep. I long for the eternal nap with no dreams. I will care for everything as much as I did before I was thrown into this reality.

I wish you peace.

 

[motel rooms]

There is nothing subjective about life being only suffering. There are so many horrible things that exist in this world and that is the truth. Wanting to live simply makes no sense to me. Things could get so much worse for anyone and there is nothing enjoyable about living.

There's everything subjective about believing that (everyone's) life is only suffering & that there's nothing enjoyable about living (for anyone). Not everyone on this planet is miserable & anhedonic. Not even all SS users suffer from anhedonia.

Most people on here probably feel similarly to me, it is a suicide forum after all. I am just sharing my views and I only created this thread as a way to pass the time. It is a shame that this forum is becoming so pro life.

Yes, this is a suicide forum, a pro-choice one. To be perfectly frank, you calling people who disagree with your extremely bleak generalizations pro-lifers /delusional has gotten pretty annoying. You didn't use to do that. You don't seem to realize you sound very intolerant these days.

I've never once trivialized another member's suffering, nor shoved disrespectful clichés down anyone's throat. I have C-PTSD & I know what it means to deal with intense psychological pain on a daily basis, but I choose not to ctb because making the guy I met & married last year happy makes me happy. You called people like me foolish & you even went so far as to conclude that "love can't be a good thing".

It doesn't bother me in the least that you called me pro-life/anti-choice because I'm aware of your issues, but it would be pretty messed up if you did it to a new member, someone who doesn't know you're not a malicious person. Just some food for thought.

I know that nothing I say can change your mind & that many people will get angry with me for challenging your opinions, but calling people anti-choice is serious business & you should stop doing it unless you're able to back your accusations up with proof.

 

[FuneralCry]

There's everything subjective about believing that (everyone's) life is only suffering & that there's nothing enjoyable about living (for anyone). Not everyone on this planet is miserable & anhedonic. Not even all SS users suffer from anhedonia.



Yes, this is a suicide forum, a pro-choice one. To be perfectly frank, you calling people who disagree with your extremely bleak generalizations pro-lifers /delusional has gotten pretty annoying. You didn't use to do that. You don't seem to realize you sound very intolerant these days.

I've never once trivialized another member's suffering, nor shoved disrespectful clichés down anyone's throat. I have C-PTSD & I know what it means to deal with intense psychological pain on a daily basis, but I choose not to ctb because making the guy I met & married last year happy makes me happy. You called people like me foolish & you even went so far as to conclude that "love can't be a good thing".

It doesn't bother me in the least that you called me pro-life/anti-choice because I'm aware of your issues, but it would be pretty messed up if you did it to a new member, someone who doesn't know you're not a malicious person. Just some food for thought.

I know that nothing I say can change your mind & that many people will get angry with me for challenging your opinions, but calling people anti-choice is serious business & you should stop doing it unless you're able to back your accusations up with proof.

I did not say exactly that you were the pro lifer, even know it is kinda a pro life thing to do, criticising someone for being too negative on a suicide forum. I was commenting on the way that the forum is in general, the forum never used to be like this, these days there have been harmful pro lifers around.

I am not intolerant, and all that I have done is been kind to people on here and tried to understand what they are going through. All that I have been doing is making posts to pass the time for my own benefit. I do not care if they are annoying. Life is only ever suffering to me. Things could get much worse for all these (delusional) non miserable people so life really is only suffering. I do not care that my posts do not meet anyone elses extremely high posting standards.

I never called you foolish and now you are telling lies, deliberately trying to make me feel worse. Me saying that love can never be a good thing is only my opinion.

It is sad that people come on suicide forums with the intention of making others feel worse. At least I do not do that. People are already suffering enough.
I am pleased for you that you are happy but some people here are trapped in this world because they are scared of failing ctb. Their lives are only suffering.
I wish you the best.

 

[whatevs]

I'm pretty sure that most people probably would. A lot of people are probably only still alive as ctb is difficult for them, there is so much suffering in this world and people are living unbearable lives. I do think that I would take the N, as if I stayed alive then it would just be another day of pain, there is no point to living.

You keep repeating that bullshit like It makes sense. I could distribute Nembutal for free among all the people I know and all of them would just throw it back at me horrified and call the police to have me interned in a psychiatric ward. Suicidal feelings are rare but common enough to be understood by the populace, suicidal plans are rarer, and actual suicide the rarest of the three.

 

[motel rooms]

I did not say exactly that you were the pro lifer, even know it is kinda a pro life thing to do, criticising someone for being too negative on a suicide forum.

It's not pro-life/anti-choice* to point out that someone is projecting their subjective worldview onto other people & that it is not an objective fact that (everyone's) life is only suffering & that there's nothing enjoyable about living (for anyone). Your generalizations simply aren't valid...

I was commenting on the way that the forum is in general, the forum never used to be like this, these days there have been harmful pro lifers around.

Why don't you report them? That's what I do. Actual anti-choicers* who make nasty comments always get banned in no time.

I am not intolerant, and all that I have done is been kind to people on here and tried to understand what they are going through. (...) Life is only ever suffering to me. Things could get much worse for all these (delusional) non miserable people so life really is only suffering.

Yes, please use that kind word again... You really don't get that calling people delusional & deciding that those who disagree with you about (everyone's) life being only suffering are pro-lifers is quite intolerant/dogmatic, do you?

I never called you foolish and now you are telling lies, deliberately trying to make me feel worse. Me saying that love can never be a good thing is only my opinion.

You're right, you actually called me delusional, along with everyone else who wants to live.

If you think you love something, it is just something to lose and eventually cause you more pain, so experiencing love (whatever that means), cannot be a good thing. In this life it seems that anything positive will just lead to more suffering.

Oh Lord... "If you think you love something..." I know it's not your intention to hurt anyone's feelings, but you're implying that people who fall in love with someone are dummies who just think they're in love. If you don't understand what experiencing love means, then simply don't write about it & claim it can't be a good thing.

It is sad that people come on suicide forums with the intention of making others feel worse. At least I do not do that.

You don't post on SS with the intention to make others feel worse, but lately you've been offending a significant number of us without realizing you're doing so. I & other members who are struggling to stay alive/want to live don't appreciate being called delusional.

---
* I'm convinced that us using the term "pro-lifer" to refer to anti-choicers is a really bad idea; there's nothing wrong with being able to appreciate life & choosing to live.

 

[Niko66]

I have to agree with the sentiment, your feelings are valid and the world as whole sure is a hellscape or suffering... But there are good things too, they might not outweigh the bad and if you always look at it on a global scale then sure, we can see that life is mostly suffering, but that isn't necessarily the case for the individuals. Most people are struggling but not suicidal. Not even I that I dwell on suicide every day of my life would take an N bottle the second I obtained it, as much as I would like to get my hands on one. Because what I want is a choice.

But it is hardly delusional to try. Most of my life has been shit and uneventful and I want to die and think that CTB is my fate, but at the end of the day our brains dictate how we feel, how we perceive.

I don't feel ready to make the choice to die yet and thus I've decided that every day I make that choice, if not to die then to live. To try, because there are things that I desire, there are things that make me happy, and if I am not moving forward with death then I want to try to move forward with life. I would say that is rather rational compared to a lifetime of simply waiting passively for my death (which has been most of my life really) because if I am alive then I might as well try to make myself suffer less through positive attempts of change. Just like the way death for me is the final released from suffering and why I want it, so I want to minimize the suffering I experience while I live.

The love and acceptance of others, the stories in fiction that once before I was so anhedonic made me tear up and filled me with joy. The warm hugs of a dear friend. The longing for finding a person with whom I can share my soul with. Wanting to educate my mind, the beautiful creations of the artists I so respect and feel grateful to for they have given me the little and far in between joys in my life. Seeing people brimming compassion and understanding. It is simply not true that there's absolutely nothing but suffering in life as a whole, and I can understand that there are many lives so utterly miserable that they are in no way worth living and thus why everyone one of us should have the choice to die without a million obstacles. But that is that, a choice.

We are all slaves to our brains, without dopamine we'd just sit in a corner and die with 0 incentive to do anything. There's people with "wonderful lives" who want to die all the same. There's people with horrible lives that somehow decide to keep going forward. For some the meaning is not even suffering or happiness but making the world better or creating something beautiful. At the end of the day it's our minds and our perceptions who dictate the reality in which we live in.

And there are certainly a great many people with a completely delusional idea of the world, I swear the happier you are the most delusional you are as you are more able to ignore the bleak realities of the world, but the will itself to life is only natural.

I hope this doesn't come off as an attack, I just think it'd be better if you don't call all people who don't want to kill themselves delusional. It comes off as the opposite of extreme of the people who cannot possibly conceive why we'd want to die. It's ok for you to consider life as only suffering and I can imagine your own life experiences reflect that. But you are sort of accidentally imposing your own views by saying anyone who doesn't think the way you do is delusional.