Venting I was never meant for life.

[worthless.one]

I was an accidental birth and I truly believe that bad sign has stuck with me. Though I have dealt with depression, bipolar, and bdd the majority of my life...I feel I probably deserve these things. I deserve to feel so miserable and death is the only thing I can achieve to properly make up for my awful existence.

I feel so trapped these days. I'm 30 and I had ruined my life due to bad decisions and actions. I don't know how to make it better. Worse, I don't think I deserve to; I don't believe I deserve a good life. The reason I ended up here was because I never thought I'd live to be this age. I always figured I would have CTB by now. That I would have finally found the courage (or numbness) needed to do it. I still don't have it and I just want to go.

I feel like salt on the Earth. I feel I've done more bad in my life than good. I feel I was made to rot in hell. That's my destiny and probably why I don't end it. That pain and misery is just waiting for me. It's funny, I've never really been religious but some type of hell has always been something I've believed in for my existence.

I overcompensate my kindness, empathy, and generosity now to make up for the shit I've left in my wake. I feel so alien around everyone and so alone. I have been seeing someone lately, but will sabotage it as I normally do soon. It would be selfish of me go keep this going and keep him from someone good. I'm not good enough for actual love.

I dream about running off to the forest and hiding away. Not allowing my badness to be among others anymore. I'm not skilled enough to live in the wild so maybe it could be my slow CTB of starvation or exposure. It would be quite the fitting ending.

I feel so trapped and alone and I just wish I had would have been spared this life. I feel as though my time is coming to an end and I need to figure out a plan. I'm glad I found this place.

 

[Alan James]

Just like me. I am also 30 years old and I never expected to live to see these years. I am wrong, I should not be born and no one wanted to give birth to me. My parents tell me that it would be better if I never existed, that I only bring suffering and frustration to myself and everyone else. It turned out that I have schizophrenia from birth but I only found out about it at 26 years old, it has never been treated, and over the years it has developed into something terrible and it feels like I died a long time ago, my personality has broken up, erased, cognitive abilities are at a minimum level, most of my memory has disappeared and I do not recognize myself in the mirror, I have no money at all and I don't seem to know how to use it. I failed literally in everything, even in the most elementary things that others do automatically without thinking, now it is difficult for me to eat, sleep and leave the house. But I am also not capable of doing what is necessary because I am a miserable coward and have no more willpower and no desires and emotions, I dream to die of hunger and I see hope in it. We are in a place that is much worse than hell, and if there was any life after death and hell really exist, then in any case it would be incomparably better.

 

[JadedGray]

I was an accidental birth and I truly believe that bad sign has stuck with me. Though I have dealt with depression, bipolar, and bdd the majority of my life...I feel I probably deserve these things. I deserve to feel so miserable and death is the only thing I can achieve to properly make up for my awful existence.

I feel so trapped these days. I'm 30 and I had ruined my life due to bad decisions and actions. I don't know how to make it better. Worse, I don't think I deserve to; I don't believe I deserve a good life. The reason I ended up here was because I never thought I'd live to be this age. I always figured I would have CTB by now. That I would have finally found the courage (or numbness) needed to do it. I still don't have it and I just want to go.

I feel like salt on the Earth. I feel I've done more bad in my life than good. I feel I was made to rot in hell. That's my destiny and probably why I don't end it. That pain and misery is just waiting for me. It's funny, I've never really been religious but some type of hell has always been something I've believed in for my existence.

I overcompensate my kindness, empathy, and generosity now to make up for the shit I've left in my wake. I feel so alien around everyone and so alone. I have been seeing someone lately, but will sabotage it as I normally do soon. It would be selfish of me go keep this going and keep him from someone good. I'm not good enough for actual love.

I dream about running off to the forest and hiding away. Not allowing my badness to be among others anymore. I'm not skilled enough to live in the wild so maybe it could be my slow CTB of starvation or exposure. It would be quite the fitting ending.

I feel so trapped and alone and I just wish I had would have been spared this life. I feel as though my time is coming to an end and I need to figure out a plan. I'm glad I found this place.

I know how you feel. My father told me years ago that my mother had an abortion 2 years before I was born because they weren't married and financially ready to have a child. Ever since finding this out, I think about the fact that if they hadn't gone through with it, I never would have been born since they divorced 1 year after my birth. If that child had been born, they would have gotten divorced and I never would have been. I feel my whole life was never meant to happen. I guess there was a reason I felt from an early age I wasn't meant to be here.

 

[Mogley26]

Just like me. I am also 30 years old and I never expected to live to see these years. I am wrong, I should not be born and no one wanted to give birth to me. My parents tell me that it would be better if I never existed, that I only bring suffering and frustration to myself and everyone else. It turned out that I have schizophrenia from birth but I only found out about it at 26 years old, it has never been treated, and over the years it has developed into something terrible and it feels like I died a long time ago, my personality has broken up, erased, cognitive abilities are at a minimum level, most of my memory has disappeared and I do not recognize myself in the mirror, I have no money at all and I don't seem to know how to use it. I failed literally in everything, even in the most elementary things that others do automatically without thinking, now it is difficult for me to eat, sleep and leave the house. But I am also not capable of doing what is necessary because I am a miserable coward and have no more willpower and no desires and emotions, I dream to die of hunger and I see hope in it. We are in a place that is much worse than hell, and if there was any life after death and hell really exist, then in any case it would be incomparably better.

Do you really wish to die of starvation?

 

[Alan James]

Do you really wish to die of starvation?

I don't want to die from this (it is very slow and painful and you need to live alone for a long time), but probably I have no other choice, once I had to starve because there was nothing to eat (it was not an attempt to CTB), I was found after 3 weeks and sent to the hospital. It was very painful and slow, but I was expecting something more terrible, severe depression and mental disorders seem to help to endure it. I would like to buy N, it perfectly for me and this doesn't frighten me at all, but I don't have money, I don't live alone, I don't know how to use Bitcoins, and this country where i live is high risk at customs.