Venting I was groomed years ago and I still feel fucked up

[aitouka]

Years ago, when I was a minor (not going to specify the age), I played shooter games and met this 22 year old guy. He was sweet and charming and I fell. I got groomed for more than a year. And I feel like I'm so naive, I was aware of pedophilia, and I asked him if he was a pedophile and he denied it and said it's only me, so he can't possibly be pedophilia as I'm the only person he loves. This sounds so ridiculous now and I regret why I haven't thought twice about his words back then.

He took away my first time, I regret it so much. I blame myself for being naive although I had the fucking capacity to think it was pedophilia. And my parents found out and they changed their views on me, I'm no longer the good kid. It hit me like a moment of realization and I blocked him everywhere but still after years it lingers on my mind. I still blame myself for not realizing before it's too late. And I can no longer bring myself to play shooter games anymore and I only play singleplayer rhythm games now. I cannot eat ramen without overthinking because that is his favourite food. I hate how I had to change schools because I'm scared he would come to find me. I don't get it and I hate myself because I can't forget it. And the thought of it still brings me anxiety. And I was so stupid to send him nudes and I don't know whether he released them or showed them to anyone else, hopefully not because I'd be dead.

A few days ago I was too curious so I unblocked him on Instagram and checked his account. He's older now and has a new girlfriend who just turned 18. I want to alert this girl so much but I can't because he would find out and I don't want him to. He found out my Discord account before and I had to delete it.

I don't know how to get rid of it. How do I get rid of this. How how how. I don't want to think about this anymore yet my brain forces me to.

 

[Worndown]

Have you discussed this with a counselor? They might be able to help you overcome or at least package this in a way you can move beyond it. You do not need to be defined by this and his unacceptable behavior.

 

[aitouka]

Have you discussed this with a counselor? They might be able to help you overcome or at least package this in a way you can move beyond it. You do not need to be defined by this and his unacceptable behavior.

Sadly no, I don't have a counsellor right now. And even if I do I wouldn't be able to speak about this. It's so difficult to talk about it and even my best friends don't know. It feels shameful, it's like something to be ridiculed about because of my stupidity. And how everyone will look down upon me because of this. People around you may not, but where I live in, topics like sex, mental health and trauma are so stigmatised and I won't know how to deal with it if people know.

 

[Worndown]

It is their job (and calling) to listen to other peoples worst fears and most terrible problems. It is what they do. Really talking about all the nuances of this problem should let you find a way to cope. It will not go away but it can be managable. We are the sum of our experiences. This will always be a part if you but does not need to limit you.
Plus, this will not be someone you know. They should be completely outside your social group.

 

[glitterypearls]

don't be ashamed of this, at some point you need to talk to a therapist about this, I know therapist aren't always good but this specific thing need to be talked about with a therapist, thank you for opening up about this. I know it's hard.

I was groomed by someone I met on reddit as a minor, I was 14 and he was 28, It kept going for 3 years. he also said he isn't a pedo. don't blame yourself for it, they are master manipulators, they know exactly what to say and do and at that age we are easily fooled. the reason we talk to people online as minors is because our parents were lacking, we needed validation, attention and affection, so your parents reaction is bad, they should look at their behavior and see what they were lacking that caused you to be in this situation. it's the parent job to make sure you don't get in this situation and your parents failed you.

you are a good kid, a good person and it's not your fault

also about the nudes, he won't release them, It's illegal since it's CP. he will have a lot to lose more than you if he released them, even if he threaten to do it, believe me he won't do it, he will be in prison for it.

 

[aitouka]

It is their job (and calling) to listen to other peoples worst fears and most terrible problems. It is what they do. Really talking about all the nuances of this problem should let you find a way to cope. It will not go away but it can be managable. We are the sum of our experiences. This will always be a part if you but does not need to limit you.
Plus, this will not be someone you know. They should be completely outside your social group.

I can't find a counsellor right now, I am unable to. Mental health treatment costs a ton.

 

[Worndown]

Look at community resources online. There are non-profit counseling centers in most cities. You might need to search for a while but you are worth the time and effort. Besides, you discussed this with us. You have already taken the first step!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

This man didn't have to do what he did to you. No one held a gun to his head or threatened to kill his family nor was he possessed by some evil demon. He could have chosen not to do it; he had agency. So that is why it is all ultimately his responsibility.

It's not your fault if you were vulnerable to manipulation. Your parents shouldn't have painted you as "the bad kid.".

 

[aitouka]

This man didn't have to do what he did to you. No one held a gun to his head or threatened to kill his family nor was he possessed by some evil demon. He could have chosen not to do it; he had agency. So that is why it is all ultimately his responsibility.

It's not your fault if you were vulnerable to manipulation. Your parents shouldn't have painted you as "the bad kid.".

I know he didn't have to but I feel like I wasn't vulnerable to manipulation at all. I was conscious, I even doubted it was pedophilia and deluded myself into thinking it was not. One way or another, I hated how I felt happy when I was being groomed and I hate the disgust I feel right now. And I hate that my parents viewed me totally different after this, like how I am a whole different person. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore.

 

[Worndown]

Please search out some help. The person you were yesterday and the person you are today does not have to be the person you are tomorrow. That would be a good goal, make tomorrow better.

 

[aitouka]

don't be ashamed of this, at some point you need to talk to a therapist about this, I know therapist aren't always good but this specific thing need to be talked about with a therapist, thank you for opening up about this. I know it's hard.

I was groomed by someone I met on reddit as a minor, I was 14 and he was 28, It kept going for 3 years. he also said he isn't a pedo. don't blame yourself for it, they are master manipulators, they know exactly what to say and do and at that age we are easily fooled. the reason we talk to people online as minors is because our parents were lacking, we needed validation, attention and affection, so your parents reaction is bad, they should look at their behavior and see what they were lacking that caused you to be in this situation. it's the parent job to make sure you don't get in this situation and your parents failed you.

you are a good kid, a good person and it's not your fault

also about the nudes, he won't release them, It's illegal since it's CP. he will have a lot to lose more than you if he released them, even if he threaten to do it, believe me he won't do it, he will be in prison for it.

Thank you. I seriously can't find a therapist as of now due to limiting conditions. Yeah, it's hard opening up but I feel like it's easier here because of the non-judgmental nature of this forum and nobody knows me personally here. I just can't help but feel like I was not that stupid to believe him yet I did, and a large part of me knows that I deluded myself into believing him as well.

I'm glad he won't release the nudes. This has been worrying me. Though I still worry because I don't exactly have a 'child' body build in the nudes as well. As for my parents, they are very neglecting and my dad is abusive. My mom doesn't live with me. So yeah, terrible family conditions, I must admit.

I wish it wasn't my fault. No matter what people say it still feels like it is. Oh and good luck to you as well. I hope you are better now.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I know he didn't have to but I feel like I wasn't vulnerable to manipulation at all. I was conscious, I even doubted it was pedophilia and deluded myself into thinking it was not. One way or another, I hated how I felt happy when I was being groomed and I hate the disgust I feel right now. And I hate that my parents viewed me totally different after this, like how I am a whole different person. Maybe I am. I don't know anymore.

You are definitely a different person after this experience but not in a way that deserves judgment or criticism.

I don't expect your sense of being responsible to change just like that. But I do hope you can arrive there some day.

 

[Worndown]

On bad days please reach out here. There are always good people that can make you feel a bit better. Many of those here have had bad experiences and can offer constructive advice. You are among freinds.

 

[aitouka]

On bad days please reach out here. There are always good people that can make you feel a bit better. Many of those here have had bad experiences and can offer constructive advice. You are among freinds.

Thank you.