I was doing so well

[Dagon]

For the past year or so, I was able to force myself to just go through the motions. I worked hard in school, applied to internships, started going to the gym, and basically tried anything and everything I could think of to become the best possible version of myself.

And now I'm struggling to get out of bed. Everything feels so meaningless. What's the point of improving yourself if at the end of it all, you're never going to outrun your depression? All the hard work I've put into myself for the past year is quickly unwinding itself. It took me one year to take one step forward and one night to take two steps backward.

I wanted to do therapy again because I refused to standby and let all my hard work go to waste, but each time I tried calling them, it went straight to voicemail. I can't help but feel that this is a sign that it's futile and that I'm just struggling against the inevitable.

If nothing changes within the next three months, I'm going to ctb on my 21st birthday.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

What went down last night? Regardless I hope you can find your footing again somehow

 

[Dagon]

What went down last night? Regardless I hope you can find your footing again somehow

I don't know where to start. For some context, I try my best to stay indifferent and apathetic to everyone and everything because I find myself most mentally stable and productive then, but I made the mistake of growing attached to someone who I know doesn't feel the same way. I hung out with her the other day and the high I felt afterwards was amazing, but it quickly became overwhelming and suffocating. It feels so pathetic that everything I worked so hard for came undone just from hanging out with someone once.

 

[PointlessStruggle]

I don't know where to start. For some context, I try my best to stay indifferent and apathetic to everyone and everything because I find myself most mentally stable and productive then, but I made the mistake of growing attached to someone who I know doesn't feel the same way. I hung out with her the other day and the high I felt afterwards was amazing, but it quickly became overwhelming and suffocating. It feels so pathetic that everything I worked so hard for came undone just from hanging out with someone once.

Oh yeah thatll do it. Brutal stuff man

 

[Nyxtus]

I resonate extremely closely with this. I grew up in an abusive household of 5 kids and they all have looked up to me as an example of how they can get over their depression, ptsd trauma and escape the fucking curse of the family. I started school for computer science, had a 3.6 (still do I guess) started going to the gym and legitimately getting pretty jacked, and even found a girlfriend who understood and accepted me. Everything seemed like it might be okay, and my family looked to me as an example that they could make it out like I did.

Fast forward to now, Covid ruined my gym, the girlfriend moved back home to her family and started being secretive and lying to me about what she was up to. My cptsd and depression came back harder, fell into alcohol and have somehow managed to keep my grades up but absolutely nothing I do makes me "feel" much of anything at all. I look at the future and I don't know what the point is. To bust my ass in school, be in debt and work the rest of my life because I started late? And that's if I can even manage to do that with my severe cptsd anxiety and other issues.

I'm sorry to hear about the unrequited feelings. It can happen even if you would have pursued a relationship with them, and it hurts like hell. I don't know if it'll make you feel better, but there's a lot of us out here who appeared to be making good progress and have had it slip out from under them, especially in Covid-19 America. I'd go against the grain and say to try just a little more because you're so young, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with weighing the options and deciding it's too much.

 

[StuFin]

This won't go down well, but go read the red pill stuff at Reddit.

It isn't about being mean to women, it's about isolating yourself from the pressures of the outside world that tell you how a man should or shouldn't behave or feel or act, and focusing on yourself and becoming - as you said - the best version of yourself.

There's too much pressure on everyone these days, especially men to conform to this or that or be called names, which is probably why the vast majority of suicides are men, because they feel afraid to have an actual male identity.

I'm a man - I wouldn't dream of telling a woman how she should act or behave or feel because I haven't got a clue what it's like or the pressures of being a female in todays world, but somehow it's perfectly fine for it to work the other way.

It seems to me that in this mad clown world we live in today, there's always someone who knows more about you and how you should act or feel or behave than you do yourself. Even though they don't actually know you personally. It's just you're an X (insert man, woman, straight, gay, christian, muslim, white, black, whatever) - and they accuse of being a stereotypical X by - well stereotyping you.

 

[summers]

Your title is quite literally everyone's life. I was doing so well, until I wasn't. Applies to nearly every situation you can think of. Health, relationships, jobs, money...

I'm sorry the way things went down. Hope things get better for you.