Venting I was doing good today and then one little thought ruined it.

[Sleeper System]

I realized that i'm literally on the edge of a cliff trying to find some balance to my life so that I don't fall.
Deep down I know that this situation of "nothing good is happening but nothing bad is happening either" will inevitably end.
I'm going to lose the place that I rent one of these days. My closest friends and family are going to die unexpectedly or we lose touch.
My job might not be future proof. I'm going to struggle more in this drawn out shitty life of mine and I'm supposed to just endure.

It hit me like a punch to the chest that i'm not prepared realistically or mentally for anything that's going to come.
I keep trying to stop crying and tell myself just take it one day at a time man you got this but it's so fucking hard.
This world doesn't care about us and I don't think it would even help if it did.

I'm just so tired of waking up with this weight on my shoulders every day.
Trying to keep my head up when in the back of my mind these thoughts are tearing me inside out.

No matter how much you distract yourself and try to block the negative thoughts, when you're alone at night and it's nothing but you and the reality of your situation, you see your life for what i really is. A pointless circle of self torture.

Why do we want to ctb? Why you say? Are you really asking that question? Do I want to tell you? Do I want to expose the true nature of reality to you? Are you prepared for the answer? Trust me... you don't want this knowledge. Keep your ignorance as long as you can.
Nothing good comes from knowing more than you are prepared to handle. I wish I never pondered the meaning of life.

I needed to vent this because it's destroying me so bad tonight. I live in fear of my cell phone when it vibrates because maybe that's a call brining into existence one of the moments that I dread the most. I can't even handle having a ringtone i'm so afraid.

Like... everything is ok. I have a roof over my head. I have all my people. IM DOING OKAY! but it wont be one day.

Fuckin hate being alive.

 

[AInilam]

I'm sorry you had to come to such a sobering realization. I think this is something that our society tries to downplay or outright ignore--and it seems to get worse with every year, what with inflation and insufficient or stagnating wages. Some people may feel secure in their livelihoods and may be lucky enough to own a home, but this is the reality for a lot of working class people. And even if all our needs were met, there's still that ticking time bomb over our heads and that of our loved ones. It's that fear that keeps this corrupt society and it's systems Frankensteined together. It's what I find so cruel about it. Unfortunately, I don't think I'd like to live to see the day my loved ones pass away--because I know it'll be a slow, soul-crushing and painful process, I'd rather go before them and I know a lot of people hold this sentiment as well. I find that knowing how and when I'd like to ctb has given me some control back. It's comforting in a way, because it has allowed me to finally breathe and put these anxieties to rest. Because even if the worst does come to pass--I'll always have a way out. I know ctb isn't the solution for everyone--and I certainly don't encourage others to fall back on this way of thinking, but its what works for me.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

I realized that i'm literally on the edge of a cliff trying to find some balance to my life so that I don't fall.
Deep down I know that this situation of "nothing good is happening but nothing bad is happening either" will inevitably end.
I'm going to lose the place that I rent one of these days. My closest friends and family are going to die unexpectedly or we lose touch.
My job might not be future proof. I'm going to struggle more in this drawn out shitty life of mine and I'm supposed to just endure.

It hit me like a punch to the chest that i'm not prepared realistically or mentally for anything that's going to come.
I keep trying to stop crying and tell myself just take it one day at a time man you got this but it's so fucking hard.
This world doesn't care about us and I don't think it would even help if it did.

I'm just so tired of waking up with this weight on my shoulders every day.
Trying to keep my head up when in the back of my mind these thoughts are tearing me inside out.

No matter how much you distract yourself and try to block the negative thoughts, when you're alone at night and it's nothing but you and the reality of your situation, you see your life for what i really is. A pointless circle of self torture.

Why do we want to ctb? Why you say? Are you really asking that question? Do I want to tell you? Do I want to expose the true nature of reality to you? Are you prepared for the answer? Trust me... you don't want this knowledge. Keep your ignorance as long as you can.
Nothing good comes from knowing more than you are prepared to handle. I wish I never pondered the meaning of life.

I needed to vent this because it's destroying me so bad tonight. I live in fear of my cell phone when it vibrates because maybe that's a call brining into existence one of the moments that I dread the most. I can't even handle having a ringtone i'm so afraid.

Like... everything is ok. I have a roof over my head. I have all my people. IM DOING OKAY! but it wont be one day.

Fuckin hate being alive.

View attachment 124922

I get this feeling all the time when things are smooth. When will the other shoe drop kind of feeling. It definitely robs any feelings of peace I might have in that moment. I too fucking hate to be alive.