I was basically born a psychopath without a conscience

[ExitStageLeft]

Either that or the suicide of my father, coupled to my mother marrying the asshole she cheated on him with, triggered latent psychopathic tendencies in me.

I've hurt and used everyone around me. I have abused women. I regret all of it. I did myself in in this life,just because things weren't perfect from birth. I never learned resilience, because I never learned to accept the shitty hand I was dealt at an early age. All I learned was resentment, helped along in that by a toxic grandmother.

I always wanted to be a musician, but was never encouraged in it and was never able to find an in with the musical crowd because of my latent personality disorder. I was an asshole to everyone and I regret it, for the harm I inflicted on others as well.

I will have one more chance to CTB the way I wish to - when my grandmother passed away. I will take her money and book a hotel room and explore New York City - I will walk across the Brooklyn Bridge; I will visit the grave of Peter Steele (vocalist for Type O Negative- a very important band to me) I will visit the Empire State Building. And when that is done, I will take Nembutal in my room, leaving a note for whoever's finds me. Whatever is left I will split between my mother and a charity for orphaned boys. Maybe it will help to heal some of my karma - though perhaps not, if I'm only consciously interested in healing my karma and nothing more.

I think it's always better to die young. If I hadn't been such an enormous piece of shit in my life. I couldn't resist the impulse to inflict my trauma on others. I was always going to be a narcissist, but if I hadn't had to deal with such a massive event at such a young age I bet I could have found a healthier outlet for it. Like Acting.

It is what it is. The next big lump of money I get, I'm paying for a cremation in advance, ordering Nembutal and booking a ticket for New York City.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I really hate to be that guy but I think you may be thinking of "sociopath", it's a bit different from psychopathy. Basically, it's anti-social behavior/thinking brought on from childhood trauma. Psychopaths are people who are born without any empathy whatsoever and are generally successful in life because of it. As far as the former goes, I can relate in many ways.

That sounds like a great plan. I wish I could go the N route but I'm a phenibut addict so I'll have to take SN.

 

[ExitStageLeft]

I'm thinking of inviting others to do it with me. If I have to be alone in life, I'd prefer not to do it in death. It'll probably be a few years, though. And whoever's came along would have to be comfortable with exploring New York City and doing it in a hotel room there, with of course recognition of the fact that you'd be burdening the clean-up crew. I'd buy the tickets and the Nembutal.

 

[Morphosis]

I'm thinking of inviting others to do it with me. If I have to be alone in life, I'd prefer not to do it in death. It'll probably be a few years, though. And whoever's came along would have to be comfortable with exploring New York City and doing it in a hotel room there, with of course recognition of the fact that you'd be burdening the clean-up crew. I'd buy the tickets and the Nembutal.

Wow. That's quite an offer, I would guess you'll be inundated with people taking you up on that. I've always wanted to see New York and N would be my preferred method since my F OD failed due to my tolerance being too high.
I also think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Anyone who wants to leave money to help orphaned boys is far from an asshole.... that is a completely selfless act and shows a lot of empathy in my book

 

[ExitStageLeft]

Largely because I have no other options left. DUIs, a criminal record a mile long... I am an invalid at 31. Because of a personality disorder.

It might be several years, and my health right now isn't great. But yes, when the time comes, I will put an invitation on the site.

 

[Morphosis]

Largely because I have no other options left. DUIs, a criminal record a mile long... I am an invalid at 31. Because of a personality disorder.

It might be several years, and my health right now isn't great. But yes, when the time comes, I will put an invitation on the site.

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty hand in life. I do think though if you were a true psychopath you wouldn't be feeling any regret or remorse for the things you have done, I don't think psychopaths are even capable of those feelings. Obviously I don't know you but I think it's much more likely that you were so badly hurt by people who should've protected you, you responded the only way you knew how, by lashing out and getting the bastards before they got you. Classic self-defence in response to major trauma when you were young and let down by everyone you trusted.
Just my opinion!

 

[Emily_Numb]

Again I'm going to be THAT guy and say, most psychopaths don't actually know they are psychopaths. I would suggest you take the money from your grandma and actually see a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis because a psychopath wouldn't actually admit to being an asshole as they would see no fault in their actions and behaviour. Claiming to be a psychopath just makes you sound like some angsty Edge Lord.

I honestly doubt you are a psychopath and maybe not even a sociopath. It could even be some form of Autism rather than one of these personality disorders. My gut feel is you've self diagnosed which is always a very dangerous thing to do. Seek professional advice and it may be something you can work through. Your life isn't over due to a criminal record.

 

[RedDEE]

You don't sound like a sociopath to me - you sound like you have a conscience. That's the #1 factor in being a sociopath - you'd have to have no conscience.

Do you have a conscience? Do you feel regret for your bad actions? Do you care about people?

 

[Lorntroubles]

At least you can look back on this and feel bad for the things you have done and know those actions weren't the best actions...seems like you are self aware and that's progress considering what you have seen. If you would have gotten the right support back then imagine how things would have turned out for you...

 

[Ghost2211]

The fact that you are able to see how past actions have effected others, and that you have remorse suggests you are not a psychopath or sociopath. Even if you do have a diagnosable personality disorder it seems it would be high functioning on the spectrum.

From what you say it doesn't seem like you're outside of the realm of hope of having healthy social interactions. You said in the future you may come into a nest egg. Is it possible to start fresh away from burned bridges, and try a new path with mental health help?

 

[Blue LIPS]

You don't sound like a sociopath to me - you sound like you have a conscience. That's the #1 factor in being a sociopath - you'd have to have no conscience.

Do you have a conscience? Do you feel regret for your bad actions? Do you care about people?

Sociopaths only have sympathy toward someone they're close to.

 

[feast or famine]

Sociopaths only have sympathy toward someone they're close to.

Not necessarily. Sociopaths are exploitative, opportunistic parasites that more or less emulate emotions that they learn from their prey such as sympathy to get what they want at any given time. They're great actors.

 

[Blue LIPS]

Not necessarily. Sociopaths are exploitative, opportunistic parasites that more or less emulate emotions that they learn from their prey such as sympathy to get what they want at any given time. They're great actors.

They at least have the capability though, part of what sets them apart. Parasite wouldn't be a good word though, as I have spoke with my doctor about it but seemed to want to avoid going any further as if I would define myself based on a diagnosis and further exploit it. I'm what you would call an "avoided person", now that could just be the BPD part of me but yes I feel out the environment and act like everyone else because I know I can fool them for personal gain if need be. It's also been a way for people to not feel bad for me or growing up "the kid that's dad killed himself". Tbh I love it, I feel it keeps me two steps ahead of the game but ruins my relationships, reminds me of a line in a song "if I'm broke i'd Slash your throat for a pack of smokes". It's sad though that I "love" my fiancée but most of the time feel like I actually don't, but I try to ignore it and "act" like I do, sounds like I don't care, idk it's just hard to explain and makes me feel fake or wasting someone's time.

My ex, 100% couldn't stand her but even thought of marriage to seal the deal and use her family because they had assets and money. Even threatened to murder her... wasn't a good time overall lol and just further made me feel inhuman. Could be the meds but i'm Slightly different now as far as my feelings go at least.

Helps that I'm goofy as hell lol most think I'm stupid, another upper hand :)

 

[falloutcarter13]

They at least have the capability though, part of what sets them apart. Parasite wouldn't be a good word though, as I have spoke with my doctor about it but seemed to want to avoid going any further as if I would define myself based on a diagnosis and further exploit it. I'm what you would call an "avoided person", now that could just be the BPD part of me but yes I feel out the environment and act like everyone else because I know I can fool them for personal gain if need be. It's also been a way for people to not feel bad for me or growing up "the kid that's dad killed himself". Tbh I love it, I feel it keeps me two steps ahead of the game but ruins my relationships, reminds me of a line in a song "if I'm broke i'd Slash your throat for a pack of smokes". It's sad though that I "love" my fiancée but most of the time feel like I actually don't, but I try to ignore it and "act" like I do, sounds like I don't care, idk it's just hard to explain and makes me feel fake or wasting someone's time.

My ex, 100% couldn't stand her but even thought of marriage to seal the deal and use her family because they had assets and money. Even threatened to murder her... wasn't a good time overall lol and just further made me feel inhuman. Could be the meds but i'm Slightly different now as far as my feelings go at least.

Helps that I'm goofy as hell lol most think I'm stupid, another upper hand :)

I dunno...I think parasite would be an extremely accurate word for the way sociopaths farm sympathy without giving anything of themselves. Parasite isn't an inherently negative word, we don't think of leeches or ticks as evil. They just are what they are.

 

[Blue LIPS]

I dunno...I think parasite would be an extremely accurate word for the way sociopaths farm sympathy without giving anything of themselves. Parasite isn't an inherently negative word, we don't think of leeches or ticks as evil. They just are what they are.

True but I think most would hear that and outcast them even further, part of why I want to CTB one day.. I've also never been fired in person and asked about if I own guns, so I guess I don't always hide my rage very well lol. SWIM got rid of his guns because an asshole wouldn't back up for him to park in a spot he drove past a little and ended up putting his .45 to his head, almost ran over his toes lol idk things were crazy then.

I know I'm garbage but don't care, just want to make people happier without me alive.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm so sorry your upbringing and circumstances were so horrid. As a daughter of a narcissistic sociopath with psychotic tendencies, the fact you're experiencing guilt and empathy as well as remorse shows you're much different than you describe yourself. It's easy to take out your frustrations and anger on others, but what's not easy is acknowledgement and making amends. The way you processed and handled your own trauma is common. Please don't beat yourself up too much. It's hard to learn coping skills when your life is constantly falling apart.

As far as karma, I can understand where you're coming from. I can only hope my karma points outweigh the awful things I've done in the past, not to mention ctb if it really is seen as a bad thing on the "other side".

Your plan sounds lovely. And even in planning your final moments you're thinking of others... doesn't sound like a sociopath or psychopath to me, love.

If you need or want to talk, I'm always available.

And for what it's worth, I'm so sorry you had to endure such awful things growing up. I can relate. You didn't deserve it, and the way you processed such tragic events does not define you. ♡

 

[Moonbounce]

This speaks to me so personally it's as if I was proof reading something I had just written...