I was an autistic bully

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Time for a hot take!

Obligatory disclaimer: Not all autistic people are bullies. I'm just discussing that we have the *potential* to be bullies. If this post doesn't apply to you, bean soup it and scroll on.

If you have spent any time on social media, you may have heard that people with autism, ADHD, or some other form of neurodivergence struggle with "justice sensitivity." Basically, it's the idea that ND folks are more sensitive and empathetic than the general population and they can't align themselves with situations that violate those sensibilities. The utility of this idea is that it challenges the long held belief that people with autism don't have empathy and are self-focused, or that they have a "cold" demeanor.

My problem is the usual: People take it way too far and way too seriously. It's now become a TikTok/Instagram diagnostic criteria that ND folks MUST have justice sensitivity. A new stereotype has emerged where ND folks are sinless, innocent, pure beings who are always on the right side of history and who have never experienced malice or intentionally caused harm, however trivial. I call bullshit on that, hard. Autistic people can be mean, malicious, and bullies just like anyone else.

I was a bully a couple of times in my life. It was elementary school and early middle school, so obviously I have grown out of that. I was never "in charge" of bullying, I never premeditated my bullying, and I didn't single out anyone in particular. Whoever was the target of the dominant group I was absorbed into, I targeted them too.

To make things more complicated, I was also a victim of bullying. Why would I ever bully others when I knew how it felt?

Some explanations I have come up with:

• I had rage I wasn't allowed to talk about, so I took it out on other children
• I wanted to be liked and/or not be bullied by a dominant friend group
• I believed false information about the person I was bullying and felt justified in what I was doing.
• I saw the behavior and thought it was normal. I was even told by my family that teasing was normal and I needed to toughen up.
• I had a very cartoonish understanding of empathy at the time. I knew my behavior was going to hurt someone, but I didn't understand why or how badly.

This doesn't pertain to me specifically, but I think it's important to remind people that autistic people can have clinical narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, etc in addition to their autism. They are not immune to the genetic and environmental triggers that cause these conditions. In addition, autistic people belong to their cultures just like any other human. They may not be socialized in the same way, or as effectively, as a neurotypical person, but they still absorb their culture. If bullying, violence, white supremacy, sexism, or what have you are part of the culture...some autistic people can and will enact those prejudices.

Anyway, it wasn't until the sixth grade that I decided to withdraw into myself and mind my own business. I even made amends with one of my children I had bullied the most. Not because an adult told me to. Because I wanted to. I never physically injured anyone. I never destroyed anyone's property. I hurt people with my words and my exclusion. Sometimes those are the worst weapons of all.

Why am I even confessing this? This was over 20 years ago and I'm clearly not the same person. I mention this because I frequent the autism social media space and the discourse is entirely focused on justice and victimization. Autistic people are so compassionate, they're so bullied, the neurotypical people are oppressing us, etc. Personally, I feel that for the sake of the facts alone, people need to hear the truth that autistic people are, well, people. And autistic people, like all people, can be downright ugly.

On a more personal level, I want people to read this and see themselves. I want them to realize their capacity for harm, to understand it, and to prevent it. I want them to realize that there is a future for them to be good people and to reconcile. This can't happen if we only see ourselves as victims and we are too ashamed to tell the whole truth. And let's say you're the victim of an autistic bully. I want you to know that you are not alone and you are not wrong. It is not ableist to name the harm and holding that personal accountable can be a gift to them.

 

[LittleJem]

I was a bully at primary school. I didn't know how to make friends or play or have empathy. I think I have autism.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I was a bully at primary school. I didn't know how to make friends or play or have empathy. I think I have autism.

Do you feel okay telling me more what bullying looked like for you?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't believe I have autism but- I was a bully at school on occassion. Again- partly as a group- as a dumb follower of someone else. But, when I was younger still- I remember bullying someone by myself. Which I feel awful for now.

The motives were similar to you. To try to fit in. To try to deflect attention onto some other poor sod. Maybe to attract attention myself.

Overall though, I'd say I was more on the receiving end of being bullied.

I suppose what I struggle with in reference to autism specifically is- it still seems as if people with autism recognise when they are being bullied or ostracised. They presumably still become irritated by others who make everything about themselves.

But- by feeling a negative reaction towards that in others- doesn't that make them check their own behaviour? Not saying all those who have autism behave like that but, some do.

Isn't that what empathy is though- in a way? Trying to treat others how we would want to be treated? Trying to avoid behaviours that we would find hurtful or irritating in others?

Surely- if we're capable of feeling hurt or irritated by others ourselves- we ought to know that our behaviours may be having those same affects on others?

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I don't believe I have autism but- I was a bully at school on occassion. Again- partly as a group- as a dumb follower of someone else. But, when I was younger still- I remember bullying someone by myself. Which I feel awful for now.

The motives were similar to you. To try to fit in. To try to deflect attention onto some other poor sod. Maybe to attract attention myself.

Overall though, I'd say I was more on the receiving end of being bullied.

I suppose what I struggle with in reference to autism specifically is- it still seems as if people with autism recognise when they are being bullied or ostracised. They presumably still become irritated by others who make everything about themselves.

But- by feeling a negative reaction towards that in others- doesn't that make them check their own behaviour? Not saying all those who have autism behave like that but, some do.

Isn't that what empathy is though- in a way? Trying to treat others how we would want to be treated? Trying to avoid behaviours that we would find hurtful or irritating in others?

Surely- if we're capable of feeling hurt or irritated by others ourselves- we ought to know that our behaviours may be having those same affects on others?

Love this comment!

I think it's important for society to realize that kids can be both victims and perpetrators. And that engaging in bullying behavior doesn't automatically make you a bad person. Kids live up or down to expectations and if we tell kids that they're bad people at their core, there's no motivation to change. In any case, if you're a bully, you DO have bad behavior that needs checking immediately.

People with autism don't always have self-awareness. Metacognition is an advanced skill that most people without autism don't even have. People with autism often struggle to apply principles from one area to another, so they may not genuinely see why their behavior is just as bad as yours. Or they have have justified it to themselves in some way. Say, I'm autistic, therefore I'm more logical, so I can do this. Or I'm autistic and my life is harder than yours, so I'm allowed to lash out.

Empathy is best described as the ability to experience someone else's reality as *they* experience it, not as you think they should experience it. Again, autistic people often struggle with language and nonverbal cues, and they struggle to generalize concepts. So they tend to get stuck either in their own feelings, or feeling what they personally think you should feel. I'd like to add that empathy doesn't necessarily translate into kindness towards others. It simply describes the ability to tap into someone else's emotional state. Serial killers can do this very effectively when hunting for victims. Empathy is the skill. Compassion is the choice.

As for your last paragraph, I think deep down people know this, but they're ashamed of things that they've done. So they ignore them, justify them, or choose to emphasize the times they were victims. Being able to impartially and compassionately observe your own behavior is a horribly underrated skill.