Rue89
Visionary
- Feb 10, 2020
- 2,726
I'm really anxious and kind of depressed right now and feel like I have no energy or motivation to get up off the couch, but at the same time I'm jittery and can't stay still. I felt this way most of this past weekend and yesterday. I'm listening to music cause it sometimes helps, but it isn't now, and actually kind of backfired.
I'm listening to a playlist on my iPod that I haven't listened to for many months, although I kept adding to it as I got new music. It's basically just a bunch of random songs.
"I'm Still Here" by Mindy McCready played and damn, that song hit me hard. It took me back to that weekend of February 16/17, 2013.
I was 17, and I had depression and anxiety, and had been researching ctb methods for a while. I settled on the exit bag (helium). I got all the supplies, except the helium tank. That weekend I was going to stay at my dad's house so I brought the stuff with me. I figured this was my chance because I couldn't do it at home since my mom knew I was suicidal and she knew about the exit bag method. I don't want to say how she knew about it because it's embarrassing.
I persuaded my dad's girlfriend to take me to the store to buy a helium tank. I told her that my mom wanted me to pick it up for the Sunday school class she taught.
That night (Saturday) after they went to bed I set up the exit bag. I layed on my bed for a long time with the bag over my head, holding it open so I could breathe. I kept thinking about what if I fail? What if my dad finds out? How will he react? He knew nothing about my mental health struggles. I finally gave up and put the stuff back in my suitcase. I don't think it was really the thought of dying that scared me. It was the thought of failing and living with the consequences.
My logic was very flawed and this is why a tiny part of me wonders if my SI was stronger than I wanted to admit, because of course my mom found out when I brought the helium tank home with me on Sunday morning and I had to explain everything, and then she told my dad. Of course I also lost a lot of my freedoms.
Sunday evening we were watching the news and that's when I heard that Mindy McCready had ctb'ed by gunshot. It was a shock to me. Right after I almost ctb'ed. Kind of a surreal feeling.
Now when I listen to her music it takes me back to that weekend, and my almost ctb. All the details and the regrets. I wish it didn't. I wish I could enjoy her music like I did before.
I'm listening to a playlist on my iPod that I haven't listened to for many months, although I kept adding to it as I got new music. It's basically just a bunch of random songs.
"I'm Still Here" by Mindy McCready played and damn, that song hit me hard. It took me back to that weekend of February 16/17, 2013.
I was 17, and I had depression and anxiety, and had been researching ctb methods for a while. I settled on the exit bag (helium). I got all the supplies, except the helium tank. That weekend I was going to stay at my dad's house so I brought the stuff with me. I figured this was my chance because I couldn't do it at home since my mom knew I was suicidal and she knew about the exit bag method. I don't want to say how she knew about it because it's embarrassing.
I persuaded my dad's girlfriend to take me to the store to buy a helium tank. I told her that my mom wanted me to pick it up for the Sunday school class she taught.
That night (Saturday) after they went to bed I set up the exit bag. I layed on my bed for a long time with the bag over my head, holding it open so I could breathe. I kept thinking about what if I fail? What if my dad finds out? How will he react? He knew nothing about my mental health struggles. I finally gave up and put the stuff back in my suitcase. I don't think it was really the thought of dying that scared me. It was the thought of failing and living with the consequences.
My logic was very flawed and this is why a tiny part of me wonders if my SI was stronger than I wanted to admit, because of course my mom found out when I brought the helium tank home with me on Sunday morning and I had to explain everything, and then she told my dad. Of course I also lost a lot of my freedoms.
Sunday evening we were watching the news and that's when I heard that Mindy McCready had ctb'ed by gunshot. It was a shock to me. Right after I almost ctb'ed. Kind of a surreal feeling.
Now when I listen to her music it takes me back to that weekend, and my almost ctb. All the details and the regrets. I wish it didn't. I wish I could enjoy her music like I did before.
