Venting I was almost there...

[Hel]

I've told here many times that I'd want a death which seemed to be natural- Getting a pneumonia or something. Slow and painful but better for people to accept my death and I'm too coward to do any other method.
I started two months ago, I stopped eating from time to time (ust to lower the defences), caught cold... And yes, I started to be worse. I got something and I've been sick for a month and a half, getting worse and closer to the pneumonia. Of course my family took me o different doctors. They didn't find out that it was a breathing problem at first so I gained time. Then the fever came. Perfect, I never have fever, so it was a good sign. Of couse, I'm not taking the meds. And my worst nightmares in life came true, my worst fears... So I had more reasons than ever to die.
But then it happened. One last broken dream. A dream which I didn't know I was living. A person who I wasn't giving all the credit he deserved (but he thinks I was, luckoly). I was in love with another one (which hurts me so much...I was destroyed because I couldn't be with him). And then this guy I was almost "using", or so I thought, broke up with me, for distance mainly. And then I understood that I was loving him. He was caring and loving. He was giving me peace and affecting while I thought (I wish it wasn't you" and while I lost my time because at that moment I had a chance to cancel that distance (wasn't distance at that moment, I could have worked more for stayung in that city where I was better and...with him. But I was there only for a short period and didn't want to extent because I thought my life were here, in my city. And since I came everything here destroyed me I came back because I had to, but I could have fought to stay there, far away from here, and with a guy who, now I know, I was starting to loe. I was already suicidal and I didn't realise I could have been happy. If I had... But last week he met another girl. And I'm here crying and wanting to die more than ever, for these and another awful things which happened in another areas of my life. I will never forgive myself.

The illness could kill me. But not anymore. Because even if I'm not taking the meds and not taking care of myself, barely eating and drinking... I'm getting better thses days. WHY? Why? Let me die!! I will never be happy, I ruined my only chance, I lost the good one forever, I lost my chance to stay far away from here. And here everything is a nightmare, except that it's real.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I should stop being coward and ctb asap in any way. But I'm too scared. Also my mother has a depression and I shouldn't do this. But I should be dead, now more than ever! I sabottaged myself, I lost my only chance. I just want to die, I can't stand keep living. I'm lost, I can't do anything, I'm more desperate than ever (and this is big since I've been depressed for more than 3 years and suicidal for 2 and a half) and things only get worse and worse. I lost the love I was desperatedly ooking for when I had it, just because I was too focused on another thing. I ruined my only chance. If I had knew how the things were gonna be when I came back, I'd have changed my plans and right now I'd be there into his arms looking for a place to have dinner in an amazing city.
I want to die, I can't live with this. And my body recovers at the worst time possible. I will never forgive myself, I'm desperate and don't know what ti di. I need help. Well, I need a miracle, only one could save me.

 

[Cevapcici]

Well, we tend to obsess about A or B move, telling ourselves " THAT was my best opportunity , THAT was my last chance " but in fact, we don't know, he haven't been there, we've never lived this scenario, so we have no idea what could have went wrong if we made that decision, or chose that person. There's a million possibilities, and we like to imagine shit wouldn't have happened had we acted differently, but thing is , a lot of shit could also have happened if we made " the right decision"...how do you know your relationship would have went on if you stayed with that guy ?

". I lost the love I was desperatedly ooking for when I had it, just because I was too focused on another thing. I ruined my only chance" I can absolutely identify with this, but, you know, sometimes good people show up at the wrong time in our lives and we need to learn to let them go.

 

[Hel]

Well, we tend to obsess about A or B move, telling ourselves " THAT was my best opportunity , THAT was my last chance " but in fact, we don't know, he haven't been there, we've never lived this scenario, so we have no idea what could have went wrong if we made that decision, or chose that person. There's a million possibilities, and we like to imagine shit wouldn't have happened had we acted differently, but thing is , a lot of shit could also have happened if we made " the right decision"...how do you know your relationship would have went on if you stayed with that guy ?

". I lost the love I was desperatedly ooking for when I had it, just because I was too focused on another thing. I ruined my only chance" I can absolutely identify with this, but, you know, sometimes good people show up at the wrong time in our lives and we need to learn to let them go.

Thank you. But... I have suffered SO much for love during the last three years that I know for sure that he was the one, at last I felt calm, everything took me to him. And still I was obsessing over another things and ruined my chance. This is too much. I can't take any more pain. Three years suffering have been enough and this time was all my fault. Life gave me a chance, a big chance, and I missed it. I will never forgive myself. I don't wanna keep living. If I was suicidal before, imagine now.

 

[jgm63]

Very sorry to hear of what you are going through.
But I do believe it is possible for you to heal your heart and get through this.
But it might take a bit of time.
Please try to stay calm.
We are with you.
You are loved.

 

[Hel]

Very sorry to hear of what you are going through.
But I do believe it is possible for you to heal your heart and get through this.
But it might take a bit of time.
Please try to stay calm.
We are with you.
You are loved.

Thank you so much... I've been three years like this and each day is worse, and this last thing destroyedme. I'l never forgive myself. It was my only remaining chance and I lost it. I don't wanna live anymore

 

[Cevapcici]

Thank you. But... I have suffered SO much for love during the last three years that I know for sure that he was the one, at last I felt calm, everything took me to him. And still I was obsessing over another things and ruined my chance. This is too much. I can't take any more pain. Three years suffering have been enough and this time was all my fault. Life gave me a chance, a big chance, and I missed it. I will never forgive myself. I don't wanna keep living. If I was suicidal before, imagine now.

If someone you deem valuable was ever interested in you, this means he felt you were his equal. Keep that in mind. You'll attract other high -quality people.
And I'm sorry to bring in the bad news, but , " the right one " is just a concept. For some people, the " right one " simply never shows up.

 

[Hel]

If someone you deem valuable was ever interested in you, this means he felt you were his equal. Keep that in mind. You'll attract other high -quality people.
And I'm sorry to bring in the bad news, but , " the right one " is just a concept. For some people, the " right one " simply never shows up.

Yes, yes, I know. And he felt me like his equal, even more, he made me feel amazing, he admired me too... He gave me all kinds of affection and I lost him forever. I will never forgive myself.

 

[jgm63]

Thank you so much... I've been three years like this and each day is worse, and this last thing destroyedme. I'l never forgive myself. It was my only remaining chance and I lost it. I don't wanna live anymore

Well of course, we will support you in whichever way you wish.

Yes, yes, I know. And he felt me like his equal, even more, he made me feel amazing, he admired me too... He gave me all kinds of affection and I lost him forever. I will never forgive myself.

Before we continue the discussion any further, are you quite certain that the situation cannot be rectified ?
Would it be worth taking a risk, and telling him how you feel ?
e.g. Perhaps in truth he would rather be with you than the new girl ?
I just want to check this possibility before we rule it out........

 

[Hel]

Well of course, we will support you in whichever way you wish.

Before we continue the discussion any further, are you quite certain that the situation cannot be rectified ?
Would it be worth taking a risk, and telling him how you feel ?
e.g. Perhaps in truth he would rather be with you than the new girl ?
I just want to check this possibility before we rule it out........

Thank you so much... I wish, I wish. The problem is that the other day (two days ago but it felt like a million days), the last time we talk, he told me "I hope we can keep in touch in the future". A few days before we was still perfect with me and then... All the doubts, the girl appeared when he was in doubts and...
I am waiting because in the end he was afraid I was too tattached (it was him the attached one, I am attached NOW, isn't it ironic?) so I leave him space... But the distance. I want to go back to that city to stay, he knows, but it's difficult. I was going to go in three weeks to visit him (and more) for a weekend but I had to cancel. I wanna go in two months to visiti friends and keep trying to find a way to move back there. I want to tell him when the date is close, and try to meet. But meanwhile that girl (who hasn't been in his life for a week yet) could be something important, or another one... I want to keep in touch but I don't want to overwhelm him right now, I would like him to check on me. Also, he doesn't have social media (well, he does, but he doesn't use them), so if we don't talk, he can't "see" me, so he'll forget me. I wanna talk but I have to wait, I hope I am explaining myself.
Thank you for telling me that because I'd like to be with him and move back there, not killing myself. I only want to die because I can't have the things I want and need, that's always been my reason to die. I kept fighting for another ones and lost and this time... As I said, I lost because of me, it was my fault, for fighting for the wrong thing and not taking my chance to stay there. I wish I could reverse the situation, then I woulnd't have to kill myself, but I don't know if that's possible. I told how things are, and I don't know what to do. I there was a way, I'd do anything.