Venting I wanted to live, but my mom is taking the only thing that is helping me stay alive.

[qwert3948]

just a bunch of mumble venting. I'm going nowhere saying this

i was never the type of person that actually wanted to live - I always motivated myself to do it because I though I'd regret not doing it and the pain was pointless.


For some reason this year I suddenly felt live living, even if things have been only getting worse and worse. My therapist once said I should find something that made me happy = made me want to live for it.

I am a super isolated person, and basically the only thing that made me slightly happy was being on the internet, gaming and anime. A pretty pathetic reason to want to live, but it carries me on for a little more. Mostly a distraction than a "will"

Recently me and my mom had some money issues and I had to set back on school to work along her. Tests came along and I didn't even know what any of them where about

I simply gave up on the tests and decided I'd get back later. My school (and mom) got pretty startled by me 0'ing all the tests and my mom now is taking away the only thing that gives me the slight will to live. I've had a failed suicide attempt before, and i self harmed recently. I can't mention I'm dealing with suicidal thoughts at all or I'll end up in either a psych ward or a vegetable with medication.

I was "dealing" with this by just going outside whenever she started to burst me out, just like I am right now, but she isn't letting me leave anymore and will probably start locking me at home after I go back. She held me back when I was going out and I escaped by letting go of the jacket I was wearing, and I'm pretty sure she just let it because our neighbor was by our door and saw us fighting. I'm getting fucked up when I go back.

I'm just conflicted right now. I have no will to "fight" to stay alive any longer - life is a loss to me. But I have just one tiny bit of me that wants to be here.

I'm not exactly super mentally unhealthy. I usually just get suicidal due to period mood swings, but I've been on the verge of killing myself on every one of them. I can be back to being a happy functional person as soon as it ends - it's not like I'm chronically ill. If I seeked help I could probably be mentally healthy/stable very quickly.

Just sucks. I don't really care about regretting a suicide to be honest - I'll be dead, I won't think about it. But I wonder if I can be happy if I try to recover while I don't have the courage to cbt

 

[FuneralCry]

That certainly does sound like a tiring situation to be trapped in but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward. Maybe if you are trying to "recover" then this thread belongs more in the recovery section of the site.

 

[NoHorizon]

That sounds rough, I'm sorry you're going through it. I know what it's like for well-meaning people to make things worse by trying to "protect" you.

This might be a stupid question, but do you think she would listen if you calmly explained your position that she's actually taking away important elements of your attempt at recovery?

Either way I hope things get better for you, and please post in whichever section of the forum you feel is best for you.

 

[qwert3948]

That sounds rough, I'm sorry you're going through it. I know what it's like for well-meaning people to make things worse by trying to "protect" you.

This might be a stupid question, but do you think she would listen if you calmly explained your position that she's actually taking away important elements of your attempt at recovery?

Either way I hope things get better for you, and please post in whichever section of the forum you feel is best for you.

I'm not sure, but I think she'll probably get mad at me. I don't know why she does this, but she gets pissed whenever I self harm or show to be mentally unhealthy - literally pissed, as if I broke something. Whenever she bursts mad at me it makes me feel horrible, so I tend to just avoid it overall.

I'm thinking about trying to talk about her about my suicidal thoughts and recovery and if it goes wrong I'll just leave a suicide prepared. She's talking about sending me to live with my dad (they're separated) and I don't want to go over all that fuss since I plan on dying soon

Honestly I expect her to just go "ur making excuses up because you just want to watch anime all day" instead of actually considering in dealing with suicidal thoughts, I really don't want to be hurt like this but I gotta try right?

The worse part is that I've actually been studying shit hard recently. I study on ~30-1h and 10 minute breaks, I have huge files on One note from resumes of my studies. But she always gets in my room in the god fucking 10 minutes I'm resting and says I'm not doing anything. And I'm trying so fucking hard for everything, when I don't even want to be alive.

I'm not sure, but I think she'll probably get mad at me. I don't know why she does this, but she gets pissed whenever I self harm or show to be mentally unhealthy - literally pissed, as if I broke something. Whenever she bursts mad at me it makes me feel horrible, so I tend to just avoid it overall.

I'm thinking about trying to talk about her about my suicidal thoughts and recovery and if it goes wrong I'll just leave a suicide prepared. She's talking about sending me to live with my dad (they're separated) and I don't want to go over all that fuss since I plan on dying soon

Honestly I expect her to just go "ur making excuses up because you just want to watch anime all day" instead of actually considering in dealing with suicidal thoughts, I really don't want to be hurt like this but I gotta try right?

The worse part is that I've actually been studying shit hard recently. I study on ~30-1h and 10 minute breaks, I have huge files on One note from resumes of my studies. But she always gets in my room in the god fucking 10 minutes I'm resting and says I'm not doing anything. And I'm trying so fucking hard for everything, when I don't even want to be alive.

Actually I changed my mind. I'll try to talk to my therapist but I just spoke with my mom and I'm realizing she'll try to hospitalize me or will just freak out.

 

[Kerrtu]

I'm not exactly super mentally unhealthy. I usually just get suicidal due to period mood swings, but I've been on the verge of killing myself on every one of them.

I suspect I've probably had premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) for a while now. It can be an absolutely horrific mind-fuck. If I think of every attempt I've made, they all occurred just prior to a period.

When the period passes, I feel terrible for things I said, did - I become extremely hard on myself.

It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

 

[qwert3948]

I suspect I've probably had premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) for a while now. It can be an absolutely horrific mind-fuck. If I think of every attempt I've made, they all occurred just prior to a period.

When the period passes, I feel terrible for things I said, did - I become extremely hard on myself.

It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

I did some research and found about that too. I'm hoping ill go to psychiatrist soon to figure a way to deal with that - ive been really hesitant because i hate taking lithium and its the only thing theyll give me

 

[Kerrtu]

@qwert3948

Ugh - I feel like if I keep on going I'll end up on Lithium, too. Currently on Valproic Acid and Amitriptylin but the Valproic Acid is having an awful effect (rash on lower legs that almost heals then re-opens and bleeds). I told the psychiatrist about my concerns with the Valproic Acid and what did she do? Increased the dosage and noted "client endorses paranoia."

Smfh.