R
RandomDude1234
Member
- Sep 19, 2018
- 59
So I have been in another one of my depressive episodes and sometimes I really just want to end it all but other times I think that maybe I should live a little bit more.
After lots of thinking, I think I want to CTB just to see if I really want to live. I have been sicidal for over ten years, with a way to CTB kept on the ready for the last five years.
In my mind, after I do the steps to CTB, if I really want to live, I will panic and reach out to family immediately for help. If I am at peace with my decision to CTB, I will not do anything and quietly pass into nothingness.
What scares me is that maybe I will want to live and it will be too late.
But I'm not sure how long I can continue on living like this. Feeling at the top of the world some day and feeling at the absolute bottom the other. I just want to push myself at the very edge and see if I would turn back. Because at this stage, I feel like that's the only way I would be able to put a stop to my extreme suicide ideation.
To actually do the act and see if I really want to live.
Does anyone else feel this way?
After lots of thinking, I think I want to CTB just to see if I really want to live. I have been sicidal for over ten years, with a way to CTB kept on the ready for the last five years.
In my mind, after I do the steps to CTB, if I really want to live, I will panic and reach out to family immediately for help. If I am at peace with my decision to CTB, I will not do anything and quietly pass into nothingness.
What scares me is that maybe I will want to live and it will be too late.
But I'm not sure how long I can continue on living like this. Feeling at the top of the world some day and feeling at the absolute bottom the other. I just want to push myself at the very edge and see if I would turn back. Because at this stage, I feel like that's the only way I would be able to put a stop to my extreme suicide ideation.
To actually do the act and see if I really want to live.
Does anyone else feel this way?