Cuttie_death
I don't know what to do.
- Sep 6, 2024
- 4
I've been doing all kinds of damage to myself since grade 8, whether it's all kinds of cuts, blows, suffocation. All because of self-loathing. I am currently working at a job that does not give me pleasure, and it is unlikely that I will ever be able to reach my place. I still do self-harm to this day, although it has been so many years, it has rather become a habit. Of the attempts to leave, there were only attempts to cut my veins and jump off a bridge, drink strong drugs by the ton, but here and there I just stopped out of fear. You can't get on the roofs, no matter how much you try, there are guards everywhere, and if you did, you were cowardly again. I can't hang myself, because all the chandeliers were removed in my house and because of this there is no place to hang a rope (I haven't tried on other things yet, such as a battery or a door handle, it seems to work for someone) I am an absolute gray mouse, unable to even understand if I love my young man, because I like girls more, but because of society, I have to pretend that I love men and thereby ruin both my life and the life of a young man. I can't look the way I want because of my relatives, and I can't protest, because I'm completely spineless, unable to defend my rights. And all this is because of the intense self-hatred. I have low self-esteem, I do not consider myself beautiful or successful in anything, I often aggress others, but I continue to build myself up as an ideal person, although I am not. Despite this, even the most meaningless and stupid situations can give me satisfaction for a moment from the fact that I live, whether it's a talkative passerby with funny stories or colleagues stupidly joking at work. No matter how much I try to leave, fear always begins, and it's not clear, maybe I don't want to die, but I want it all to stop.
But after so many years, trying and hurting myself has become a habit and now I can't stop and I hope that one day I will be able to leave without cowardice, no matter how painful or painless, the main thing is just to leave. I want to hear your thoughts and your stories, at least something, at least somewhere to hear what I was missing - an opinion on this and your feelings, thoughts. I've never been able to speak out about this to absolutely anyone, and it's all growing like a huge balloon, because the people around me were able to get out of this state, and to this day I'm drowning in this shit. I just wanted to speak out, thanks for reading this and spending your time with me (my English is just terrible, sorry)
But after so many years, trying and hurting myself has become a habit and now I can't stop and I hope that one day I will be able to leave without cowardice, no matter how painful or painless, the main thing is just to leave. I want to hear your thoughts and your stories, at least something, at least somewhere to hear what I was missing - an opinion on this and your feelings, thoughts. I've never been able to speak out about this to absolutely anyone, and it's all growing like a huge balloon, because the people around me were able to get out of this state, and to this day I'm drowning in this shit. I just wanted to speak out, thanks for reading this and spending your time with me (my English is just terrible, sorry)
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