I want to live?

[sonax22]

I am very passionate about living
I have many passions and interests but my problem is that I cant do any of them.
mainly because of my mental issues and my family's restrictions, my living situation. basically if i were to put it to words, the reason why I want to die is "lack of freedom"
I have struggled with being suicidal ever since I was a child, I blamed myself, my family, my society
and now after 15+ years I figured out why I wanted to die, I am not free and I never was
I've always been stuck because of my mental restrictions along side all tangible restrictions.
I've always had a passion for living, exploring, learning, travelling, living alone, being free, music, movies, nature, animals, the universe and everything the world has to offer.
I don't know whether all this passion is just false dreaming and I'm wishing for something that never exists. but this is what's keeping me alive until now I think, "hope". hope is truly a powerful feeling, no matter how awful my life gets and I'm on the verge of ending it all, there's always that survival instinct and that tiny bit of hope, that i can get out of my situation, I can get better mentally, I can move out, live alone and be free and do everything I ever wanted.
but still after all those years, hope hasn't resulted in anything in reailty, its always in my head. that brings me such a melancholic feeling, hopeless, there's no hope anymore for me, at least not in this life.

now I want to be at peace with dying, I want to lose this hope, because even though it kept me alive and its a beautiful feeling that I'm very grateful for, its also the reason why I'm suffering. and I don't want to suffer anymore, I want to let go and be free, let my body give up and let me rest in peace.
death is as beautiful as living, when it saves you from suffering, I'm gonna welcome it, rather than holding on to false hope.

lastly I want to share a song by Lana Del Rey that perfectly puts what im feeling into words



"There's no more chasing rainbows and hoping for an end to them
Their arches are illusions, solid at first glance
But then you try to touch them
There's nothing to hold on to
The colors used to lure you in
And put you in a trance "

to me the rainbows are false hope

"Sometimes it feels like I've got a war in my mind
I wanna get off, but I keep riding the ride
I never really noticed that I had to decide
To play someone's game, or live my own life
And now I do
I wanna move
Out of the black (out of the black)
Into the blue (into the blue)"

this resonates with me on a spiritual level
to me, the black is life and the blue is death

however my life continues after this moment in time, I just want to be at peace with it at the end.
I appreciate my life, I appreciate existing and I come at peace with the fact that this life just might not be for me, maybe my purpose is to end it, and that is an experience and a way out of the infinite ways someone could experience living. there's no wrong or right way to live, living is living.

note: this post was the result of an interesting worst 6hrs I've had this whole year, after taking a not very safe amount of caffeine pills (It was an impulsive decision resulting from my anxiety/eating disorder) I've had a TERRBIEL experience physically and mentally and experienced every emotion in the book. maybe it all happened for a reason.

 

[jodes2]

Recovery can take a long time. I hope you don't give up, hold onto that hope?! I know you've suffered for a long time, I'm so sorry about that don't throw away hope, it's so important. A lot of people don't even have any hope. It would be so sad to lose another member

 

[sonax22]

Recovery can take a long time. I hope you don't give up, hold onto that hope?! I know you've suffered for a long time, I'm so sorry about that don't throw away hope, it's so important. A lot of people don't even have any hope. It would be so sad to lose another member

awwwwh thank you so much, I really appreciate your very kind words, they mean a lot. yes I will try my best and follow where my heart takes me.
I wish all the best for you

 

[jodes2]

awwwwh thank you so much, I really appreciate your very kind words, they mean a lot. yes I will try my best and follow where my heart takes me.
I wish all the best for you

All the best to you too my friend thank you

 

[Celerity]

I can relate. In recent months, it feels like I am once again solidly on the hedonic treadmill of life. I keep chasing promises of the next reward like a hamster running a wheel.

 

[Pluto]

This is very touching. Hope can be a source of elation in itself, but disillusionment is like crashing into the ground anew.

Can anything be done about your situation? What is your family doing to you?

 

[Dead Ghost]

Everything seems within your reach and there is nothing you can do to be a part of it, except to hope. I understand you very well.
//
Tot sembla al teu abast i no pots fer res per formar-ne part, excepte tenir esperança. T'entenc molt bé.

 

[sonax22]

I can relate. In recent months, it feels like I am once again solidly on the hedonic treadmill of life. I keep chasing promises of the next reward like a hamster running a wheel.

I felt that on a spiritual level omg I wish you all the best wherever it may be

This is very touching. Hope can be a source of elation in itself, but disillusionment is like crashing into the ground anew.

Can anything be done about your situation? What is your family doing to you?

thank you for your kind response, exactlyyy
basically I am stuck, they are strict middle eastren family, and im a female, there's no hope of doing what I want or ill be disowned for life.

Everything seems within your reach and there is nothing you can do to be a part of it, except to hope. I understand you very well.
//
Tot sembla al teu abast i no pots fer res per formar-ne part, excepte tenir esperança. T'entenc molt bé.

yes yes yes ahh , that was very well put.
I really appreciate your response, thank you

 

[Pluto]

basically I am stuck, they are strict middle eastren family, and im a female, there's no hope of doing what I want or ill be disowned for life.

I know how it feels being abandoned by family. It felt like a death in its own right. I've never felt at home in this world ever since.

However, you are going to lose them either way, so it might be worth giving yourself permission to be true to yourself.

According to a deathbed study researcher, the number one regret that end-of-life people have is the following:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. (source)

 

[TydalWave]

but still after all those years, hope hasn't resulted in anything in reailty, its always in my head. that brings me such a melancholic feeling, hopeless, there's no hope anymore for me, at least not in this life.

now I want to be at peace with dying, I want to lose this hope, because even though it kept me alive and its a beautiful feeling that I'm very grateful for, its also the reason why I'm suffering. and I don't want to suffer anymore, I want to let go and be free, let my body give up and let me rest in peace.

You are in the right mind.

Hope is not governed by reality, it is manufactured for reality. It is there to give us the will to exist, survive and thrive. It is completely natural to question that, and to feel like it's all in your head. At the end of the day it is. Our consciousness is the basis of our existence. It is the only thing we factuallly know, beyond reasonable assumptions. And the fact that you are questioning that shows a level of depth that most people never reach.

I have always felt that the more introspective we are, the more we struggle. Sure we can live in our bubbles of isolation following man-made scriptures that try to explain our existence--but why not live in reality?

Let's acknowledge our suffering.

Perhaps we can make it better by focusing on the real problems instead of fabricating stories and depending on false hope to save us.

 

[sonax22]

I know how it feels being abandoned by family. It felt like a death in its own right. I've never felt at home in this world ever since.

However, you are going to lose them either way, so it might be worth giving yourself permission to be true to yourself.

According to a deathbed study researcher, the number one regret that end-of-life people have is the following:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. (source)

I am so sorry you feel this way, it is really a painful thing to go through you deserve a better life
and I really agree with what you said, I want to live true to myself, at one point I was questioning whether I was being held back by my family or myself..
like I have the choice no matter what they would say or do, but at the end of the day, just like I am afraid to end my life, I am afraid of living it. and you hit the spot with the quote because I don't have the courage to be true to myself, confront them and reclaim my life. its difficult, Its like a fantasy version of me that is fearless enough to stand up against everything, but reality me is not that. I am afraid of going against the norm because ill be alone, I want to be alone but not with these means, if that makes sense.
I'm sorry for rambling, thank you for your response, it really brought light into things i avoid about myself.
I hope you can always be true to yourself too

 

[Cathy Ames]

I love the song. A lot of what you are saying is really resonating with me (not all of it, of course). What are some of your passions and interests?

 

[sonax22]

You are in the right mind.

Hope is not governed by reality, it is manufactured for reality. It is there to give us the will to exist, survive and thrive. It is completely natural to question that, and to feel like it's all in your head. At the end of the day it is. Our consciousness is the basis of our existence. It is the only thing we factuallly know, beyond reasonable assumptions. And the fact that you are questioning that shows a level of depth that most people never reach.

I have always felt that the more introspective we are, the more we struggle. Sure we can live in our bubbles of isolation following man-made scriptures that try to explain our existence--but why not live in reality?

Let's acknowledge our suffering.

Perhaps we can make it better by focusing on the real problems instead of fabricating stories and depending on false hope to save us.

wow I Love this so much, it is very well put
I love the way you view hope, because it really is for survival, like a coping mechanism almost. if there is no hope, humanity wouldn't have survived this far. its really amazing when you think about it. we cant prove it but we still believe in it, its the only thing keeping us alive other than our own bodies.

and yes the more we question and doubt, the more we suffer, we could just blindly hold on to hope like everyone else but it almost impossible, when you have already questioned it all, you can't undo such epiphany, that hope is only in our minds.

and yes its better to confront reailty as it is, but we mostly don't because it is very uncomfortable.

thank you for ur response

I love the song. A lot of what you are saying is really resonating with me (not all of it, of course). What are some of your passions and interests?

yesss the song is amazingg, and I hope whatever you are going through eases up on you

travelling is my number one passion, I really enjoy going places, because I think the earth is so so beautiful and the feeling I have when I travel is something that feels like yes is this what I should be doing. almost like feeling high, like this is what I was always supposed to do, it feels right, and it makes me really happy.
and I can't really pinpoint exactly my interests, my mental issues make it impossible for me to have a stable sense of identity, so I really enjoy everything lol, and it changes A LOT. but in general, I really enjoy photography, movies, music, fashion, in all their varieties
I also have a lot passion for the occult, spirituality, the universe, history..... ah I can go on forever, that's why im suffering lol

what about youu???

 

[Venus13]

Thanks for sharing your interesting perspective. I'm the same way, passionate and interested in life but trapped in many ways with my hopes just living in my head.

Is it possible to make small steps to bring your wishes out? If you can't travel or live alone right now, but you love nature, animals, music, etc. is it possible to engage with what you can? If this is close to the end then maybe there's not much to lose in letting go and seeing what happens. Will your family disown you for walking in nature and engaging with music? Are there any small ways you can start to bring your vision to the material world? That alone will bring some strength to the surface. I'm not sure how aggressive your family circumstances are. I hope you can at least can a small taste of what you hope for.

From my experience, hope needs to be concretely proven wrong to die, not internally imagined wrong and attempted to be snuffed out. You need to act on it, even in small ways, and let it play out whether it goes well or disasteriously. Maybe that's not the best advice, but when someone is full of the energy of hope it needs to be directed out before it's extinguished. Otherwise, you'll still feel it inside on the day you might die and that's tragic. Let it flow out and see.

I really wish for you to have the chance to little by little experience some of that life you dream about.

 

[sonax22]

Thanks for sharing your interesting perspective. I'm the same way, passionate and interested in life but trapped in many ways with my hopes just living in my head.

Is it possible to make small steps to bring your wishes out? If you can't travel or live alone right now, but you love nature, animals, music, etc. is it possible to engage with what you can? If this is close to the end then maybe there's not much to lose in letting go and seeing what happens. Will your family disown you for walking in nature and engaging with music? Are there any small ways you can start to bring your vision to the material world? That alone will bring some strength to the surface. I'm not sure how aggressive your family circumstances are. I hope you can at least can a small taste of what you hope for.

From my experience, hope needs to be concretely proven wrong to die, not internally imagined wrong and attempted to be snuffed out. You need to act on it, even in small ways, and let it play out whether it goes well or disasteriously. Maybe that's not the best advice, but when someone is full of the energy of hope it needs to be directed out before it's extinguished. Otherwise, you'll still feel it inside on the day you might die and that's tragic. Let it flow out and see.

I really wish for you to have the chance to little by little experience some of that life you dream about.

Im so sorry you are going through the same thing

thank you so much for your lovely response. to be honest what I want is not impossible, its just extremely risky, fear is holding me back more than my family is. everyday I realize is it worth it to suffer this much just to please others, if they truly loved me, they would've excepted my decision either way. its just I understand the cultural, traditional and religious ways are imprinted in their entire mindset, I cant change how they think you know, just like they cant change me.

I have a car but Im not allowed to go anywhere alone, so thats takes most of my freedom away. and living as the only female in the house other than my mother, puts all the house work on me, so im usually always cleaning or cooking and that's Not how I wanna live. im searching for a job at the moment to gain more freedom financially, and im putting all my hope on that for the moment. maybe if I can save enough money I could convince them somehow to let me live alone, which knowing them its almost impossbile but hey! hope. also with my mental issues (eating disorder/impulsive spending/mood swings/mental instability) saving money and being capable enough to get my own place is a dream at the moment so its like not only is my family holding me back but my mind is more.

I really like what you said about testing out hope and see what happens, because even if it didn't go well, I was gonna ctb anyways, so what's the harm in trying. it gives me a little courage so thank you

and thank you so much , I really wish you get to experience your dreams as well

 

[Pluto]

What you describe sounds like bipolar, which can often be helped with the right medication.

Sometimes in this situation, I advise people to try and find a share house. Not sure if this is an option. Sometimes we need to take small steps.

 

[sonax22]

What you describe sounds like bipolar, which can often be helped with the right medication.

Sometimes in this situation, I advise people to try and find a share house. Not sure if this is an option. Sometimes we need to take small steps.

yess I have suspected bipolar but I can never tell on my own.
thank you so much, I will try to explore my options with small steps before I ctb, no harm in trying.