Help I want to live, but I don't see a future for myself anymore...

[Griffith_NPD]

This is my first time doing one of these so forgive me if I'm doing it wrong... I can't think anymore, nothing phases me... I've been suicidal almost my entire life, I would say I've been depressed since I was 8, and suicidal since I was 14. I was someone who was always bullied my entire life, had terrible anxiety because of the trauma I obtained from others. To the point where I couldn't even go to school anymore. I was so worried about grades and tried to be a perfectionist, but as soon as I missed 1 assignment, I missed every assignment... I never had a true friend until a few months ago when met the love of my life. It was someone that made me happy, a feeling that I don't feel ever, unless it's with them. I always have wore a mask my entire life, a mask that I would fake my personality and how I truly feel, because in the past when I've shown people the "real me", they would look at me disgusted and move away from me... But this person that I loved and still do... They actually loved me... They said they did and I want to believe that they truly did, but idk.... This was the first time that the person I love, loved me back (I've only loved 3 people in my life), and it was the happiest feeling ever in life, it made me feel as if I finally escaped this curse, that I could be happy and content for the rest of my life... My brain is so fucked up that I can't even believe them, I mean I tried to but there actions told me otherwise, it just seemed like they hated me and didn't want to be around me... I feel disgusted of myself that I'm never good enough, I always try my best to learn new skills, hone them, and just impress others so that I could be good enough for them, but I guess I'm just cursed for no one to truly love me... I always initiate conversations first and no one ever does the same, it makes me feel like I'm obsessive....I hate it... I was told mix signals, that they love me but then the next day it seemed as if everything they said was just lies and in the moment, it really fucked me up knowing I can't escape this curse and this is my fate to never find "true love". But one day I decided I was truly going to kill myself, I even sent my goodbye note to my love, but they did not like it and I just wanted to know if they still truly loved me because they haven't communicated anymore and I just wanted to know if they still do love me... And even then they didn't answer it, and then they told me that they don't want to talk to me anymore... My plans changed because of what my love told me... It made me so weak and my brain became so numb that I couldn't even move anymore... I miss my love so much... Now my "friends" don't talk to me anymore.... I can't think straight anymore... I get flashbacks because of love and it makes me rather be dead than deal with this constant pain, I can't escape it, nothing works for me, I'm an emotionless fuck now............ I just want to be loved... Please someone, please just save me from the suffering world...

 

[Torabol]

There's no proper way to write a post, so yours is perfect. Don't worry about it. I've read through it all and I'm sorry you feel so alone. Perfectionism is a direct cause of trauma, so I feel you on that. Things are hard right now, I'm gonna send you strength and love, hope it finds you Griffith

 

[Griffith_NPD]

There's no proper way to write a post, so yours is perfect. Don't worry about it. I've read through it all and I'm sorry you feel so alone. Perfectionism is a direct cause of trauma, so I feel you on that. Things are hard right now, I'm gonna send you strength and love, hope it finds you Griffith

Thank you for reading this.... I appreciate it... I finally feel noticed as a person... And yes, perfectionism is one of if not the biggest thing that kills me, me feeling that I'm never good enough either.

 

[Torabol]

Thank you for reading this.... I appreciate it... I finally feel noticed as a person... And yes, perfectionism is one of if not the biggest thing that kills me, me feeling that I'm never good enough either.

Perfectionism is poison and doesn't even make sense. I suffer from it too, it's definitely debilitating. Feels like everything must be done to a level of perfection that is not attainable, and unless it happens that way, the entire thing is useless. Always trying to reach that level of perfection and then feeling awful about it later is an endless cycle. I don't have a perfect analogy for this, but it reminds me when someone has the need to 'save' the world so to say. We can't really do that, and we're setting ourselves up to a life of misery if we try. Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt.

Glad you're feeling noticed, you definitely are. I appreciate you posting this so I have something to relate to, too.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful suffering like that, existence is just too cruel, I find it awful how humans create so much harm. But anyway best wishes.