I want to learn from my mistakes without getting depressed about it

[Pryras]

Yeah we all make mistakes in our lives and can grow from them but how do you do that without getting depressed about not doing better in the past?

Example: You work with a therapist and learn how to control intense emotions. Now you've managed to control yourself around others. How do you stop ruminating about what you could have done in the past had you learned these techniques sooner? Maybe your temper made you lose opportunities or you waisted your life bed rotting when you could have achieved your goals…now I feel extra awful that I didn't have these skills sooner.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yeah we all make mistakes in our lives and can grow from them but how do you do that without getting depressed about not doing better in the past?

Example: You work with a therapist and learn how to control intense emotions. Now you've managed to control yourself around others. How do you stop ruminating about what you could have done in the past had you learned these techniques sooner? Maybe your temper made you lose opportunities or you waisted your life bed rotting when you could have achieved your goals…now I feel extra awful that I didn't have these skills sooner.

I just try to keep a more stoic mindset about that sort of thing. There are things I can't control in life such as the past so I try my best not to ruminate. It's not really something you can force, at least it wasn't for me. I just had to keep trying, and practicing mindfulness and living in the present. I'm sorry if this isn't much help though

 

[MelancholicMercury]

I'm someone who's always had this problem. lately, it's actually not as big of an issue for me. for bad reasons; I've just stopped caring about things in general

but anyway, personally how I see it, I think a huge part of not getting upset over mistakes is finding some way to give yourself closure
for example, I have some guilt over accidentally hurting someone. stupid mistake and I wasn't thinking. what can I do in the moment?

I never apologized. this was over a few years ago now. this person, they did make their feelings apparent what I did was hurtful. back then, I explained why I did what I did, rather than explicitly apologizing. I suppose I felt there was nothing to apologize for at the time

this is someone I could contact at any moment and try to make things right with. I haven't out of guilt, anxiety, and all of those wonderful things
basically: try to find some way that's right for you to feel like you "fixed" the situation

what if you can't? something like my example, but you can't contact this person anymore, or maybe you just don't want to bring up a bad one off situation again awkwardly? maybe you messed up and even if you fixed it, many people saw it and it's just an embarrassing memory now?

moments like this are really where rumination will take over your life, making you feel awful. make sure you have someone to talk to about it. all you can do is look at the present. I know it feels terrible, but feeling guilty over anything you deem a mistake is usually the sign of a good person who wants to improve

I would suggest really trying to take these situations as learning experiences. that's the most generic advice ever I know. but I mean that! It's important to prevent these kinds of things from happening again. I'm not saying you need to be psychic and have all the answers. just be more mindful of past incidents, and really think about the things you say and do

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Yeah we all make mistakes in our lives and can grow from them but how do you do that without getting depressed about not doing better in the past?

Example: You work with a therapist and learn how to control intense emotions. Now you've managed to control yourself around others. How do you stop ruminating about what you could have done in the past had you learned these techniques sooner? Maybe your temper made you lose opportunities or you waisted your life bed rotting when you could have achieved your goals…now I feel extra awful that I didn't have these skills sooner.

You need a change of mindset, which can be easier or harder depending on how your brain functions. There are some phrases that stuck with me for moments like that:

1) "I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time" - if you had developed the skills you mentioned, you most probably would have done better but you didn't have those skills. You did the best you could with what you had at your disposal and this is part of life.

2) "Wanting to change the past is a waste of energy, I can't go back there but now that I know better I can change the present and impact the future" - realising, in a way that clicks with your brain, that the energy you put into the past could be used for other things for example, using your new knowledge to do better today, impacting tomorrow.

3) "If this past event still haunts me, I'll do something today to make it better" - if there is a particular thing effecting you, think about what you can do to make amends. Maybe apologising to someone? Maybe helping someone? It's never too late, I once got an apology 6 years after no contact, follow your instincts.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Wow, this really resonates with me. Are you also a perfectionist?

I got fired recently, and I deserved it. I'm doing the same damn thing I always do- refusing to find work and wallowing in my own pity, replaying the same events over and over. I'm a chronic ruminator. I feel like a worthless failure.

What helps me:

1) if it was someone else, would I feel the same about them for their mistake that I would about myself? Aka the friend exercise

2) I try to live day to day, moment to moment. Focusing on what I ought to control in my immediate environment is more beneficial than planning for goals I may possibly fail. It leads to less devastation. Mindfulness helps

3) allowing myself… to grieve. To feel embarrassed and ashamed. Feeling my feelings.knowing they will pass. Mindfulness factors into this.

4) life is suffering. For everyone. Imagine that we are all spiritually connected and bound to the universe. That may not be your belief, but I used to think self-hate was ok because at least it's not hurting anyone else. Actually, when I hurt myself, it hurt others. We all suffer together. Being vulnerable, opening up, it makes your shame lesser. It humanizes you, connects you to other people. I like to think of myself as a mirror of humanity and the universe. So why would I hate myself, if I love other people and the world? The oneness of everything makes me honor myself as to honor the earth and the living things within it.

5) I erased good person and bad person from my vocabulary. I'm… a striving person. Nuanced and complex.

I mean I'm still figuring this out. I still struggle. But that's the best I got