Thanks! My mom, and other people make me feel like I'm actually a normal person like them, but that I'm doing this on purpose. But I'm not, ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be loved, and wanted, I wanted to make my parents proud, I wanted to get good grades, and be a nice and good person. I don't know what happened, my brain doesn't function like others. I was always very confused as a kid, I still am, my brain feels foggy, I can't ever see things clearly. It always feels like I'm in a dream. I've never gotten the chance to get really assessed by a psychiatrist, they never listened to me. They always rushed me and ended the appointment quickly and discharged me. I've tried talking to a therapist too when I was a teen, I guess my issues weren't that severe, but look at me now: I'm 31 years old, did not graduate highschool (I tried so hard and kept failing each attempt, went to adult continuing education etc), never got my driver's license (I tried so hard but couldn't learn how to do it), I have attempted suicide so many times, I've only had a couple of jobs the longest lasted only a year, I did so many drugs and drank so much to the point of blacking out, I got addicted to heroin, became a prostitute to support my addiction, got abused, scammed, raped, stolen from, forced by family members. I get abused emotionally daily by my family. I would say my situation is pretty severe, but I doubt myself all the time. I still haven't really tried to get help, I'm terrified of being scammed again, I know if I reach out to some sort of help, they'll help me initially but then abandon me and I'll be right back where I started, or worse, on the streets, because I'll have no family to rely on - half of them would disown me for outing them. I have faught back to my family, I've pushed that I am not going back to sex work, and I'm telling them that they are being very abusive towards me, so things are getting a tiny bit better on that part. I'd much rather stay in the home I have been since I was 17, this is my home, I'm not leaving.
The only things I have are my values, my desires, and my humility. I can entertain myself, I have lots of hobbies, I have patience, I'm artistic, I love art it's almost like a drug to me, it's a strong urge, if I go too long without creating something I get very depressed. I'm not particularly super talented or anything, like I can't do a realistic pencil drawing in 10 minutes lol, but I enjoy many forms of art. I like reading, I love animals, I love nature, I love insects, I love simple things. I am not materialistic at all, not into makeup/clothes/cars/shoes or any useless crap, or grabbing attention on social media. But unfortunately I'm not cut out for this world, the world doesn't want me and I get told that everyday in many different ways. The world doesn't want someone broken, who can't be a wage slave or a breeder, or a sex slave. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be me, my true self doesn't belong here. If I can't be myself, I would rather die, I couldn't be fake, I just can't do it.
