Venting I want to kill myself, but I'm scared of what's after

[dembe]

I've been in the church for all of my life, from the second I was born I was a pastor's child basically humping the bible, but as time passed I no longer fully align with those views and since my depression, I had nothing but hate for any higher power because in my head they were to blame for me having to live. I keep thinking about killing myself, I'll set it up and everything but then what has been drilled into me from small comes back and I start thinking "What if I just die and go to hell and it's even worse?". That alone (and slightly the fear of the pain and survival) is one of the main reasons I'm still here. Sometimes I close my eyes, and put on my favourite song and just imagine me going through with it, actually dying, and right after its nothing, pitch black nothingness, no thoughts no feelings just pitch black nothing.

 

[tystero]

I had a failed attempt at partial hanging. It didn't go black for me. It wasn't like I was seeing angels or demons or anything, it was more like when you pause a movie and then the movie cut to when you were standing up gasping for air. So yeah, people's brain works differently I guess.

 

[downndone2]

I can certainly agree with you on this. Don't want to be here but completely in fear of what may come next if I end it all

 

[Outsidelessness]

I've been in the church for all of my life, from the second I was born I was a pastor's child basically humping the bible, but as time passed I no longer fully align with those views and since my depression, I had nothing but hate for any higher power because in my head they were to blame for me having to live. I keep thinking about killing myself, I'll set it up and everything but then what has been drilled into me from small comes back and I start thinking "What if I just die and go to hell and it's even worse?". That alone (and slightly the fear of the pain and survival) is one of the main reasons I'm still here. Sometimes I close my eyes, and put on my favourite song and just imagine me going through with it, actually dying, and right after its nothing, pitch black nothingness, no thoughts no feelings just pitch black nothing.

I personally believe that christianity was made by philosophers who wanted to stabilize society, and that there were two Jesuses: 1 died on the cross, and the other had nails scarred into their hand to mislead people in order to ignite the cultivation of their belief system. If it happened like this, then it was extremely clever. But again, it's established in order to put forth a moral control over everyone. In modernity, everyone is realizing that it's not even the answer to how the world works. It's almost like it was a mass delusion as a defense mechanism to comfort their mysterious existential phenomenon, Nietzsche easily recognized this.

If you grew up in a religion during childhood, then some of the intense beliefs they've given to you can be a lot more difficult to shake off. I can definitely assure you there isn't a hell. It's a fictional punishment system conveyed to be real in order to get people to behave. That's all it is.

 

[color_me_gone]

I've been in the church for all of my life, from the second I was born I was a pastor's child basically humping the bible, but as time passed I no longer fully align with those views and since my depression, I had nothing but hate for any higher power because in my head they were to blame for me having to live. I keep thinking about killing myself, I'll set it up and everything but then what has been drilled into me from small comes back and I start thinking "What if I just die and go to hell and it's even worse?". That alone (and slightly the fear of the pain and survival) is one of the main reasons I'm still here. Sometimes I close my eyes, and put on my favourite song and just imagine me going through with it, actually dying, and right after its nothing, pitch black nothingness, no thoughts no feelings just pitch black nothing.

Fear of the unknown is for all of us.
Even without religion, the fear is still there.
I think it is part of our survival instinct.

I've came to the conclusion that when you die its pretty much the same before you were born. When you CTB the lights go out and that's that.

I agree with this theory.
A person remembers no presence before he was born, so why should he recognize a presence after he dies.
This is probably the best living proof of what we will feel when we die.

My theory is that survival instinct (SI) serves a purpose.
That purpose is to make absolutely sure you are ready to ctb.
When you are absolutely ready, you will be able to overcome your SI.
But not before then.

PS: as you may know, I am not currently seeking to ctb.
I have not been able to defeat my SI, along with other factors which improved my life.
My best wishes to everyone here - may you be able to get the peace you desire, no matter which way you go.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

You can't go to hell because like the rest of us here you are already there! And why be scared of what comes next 'if anything' you'll be dead @dembe

 

[moparman97b]

I've been in the church for all of my life, from the second I was born I was a pastor's child basically humping the bible, but as time passed I no longer fully align with those views and since my depression, I had nothing but hate for any higher power because in my head they were to blame for me having to live. I keep thinking about killing myself, I'll set it up and everything but then what has been drilled into me from small comes back and I start thinking "What if I just die and go to hell and it's even worse?". That alone (and slightly the fear of the pain and survival) is one of the main reasons I'm still here. Sometimes I close my eyes, and put on my favourite song and just imagine me going through with it, actually dying, and right after its nothing, pitch black nothingness, no thoughts no feelings just pitch black nothing.

Not sure if this helps, but I have been going through a period of deconstruction with my Christian upbringing and started learning a lot of things I wished I had been taught.

If you study early christian history, there were 6 main 1st century churches. 4 believed in universal redemption, aka we all go to heaven. 1 believed that those that weren't "saved" went to nothingness and just ceased to exist. Only 1 church believed in the doctrine of eternal punishment. Its just that it was the church in Rome that gained political power to overrule/silence the other church beliefs.

 

[BrailleTogepi]

I've been in the church for all of my life, from the second I was born I was a pastor's child basically humping the bible, but as time passed I no longer fully align with those views and since my depression, I had nothing but hate for any higher power because in my head they were to blame for me having to live. I keep thinking about killing myself, I'll set it up and everything but then what has been drilled into me from small comes back and I start thinking "What if I just die and go to hell and it's even worse?". That alone (and slightly the fear of the pain and survival) is one of the main reasons I'm still here. Sometimes I close my eyes, and put on my favourite song and just imagine me going through with it, actually dying, and right after its nothing, pitch black nothingness, no thoughts no feelings just pitch black nothing.

The idea of hell is powerful because it wants you to ask questions there are no ways of knowing the answers to. It allows your brain to run wild imagining new horrors -- which the human brain is very good at doing.

Instead of imagining some kind of eternal torture, which you'll always be able to do as long as the idea compels you, try to think of what reasons you've been given by your church to believe that such a place really exists. None, right? At least nothing that stands up to scrutiny and skepticality. It's just as likely that any other kind of afterlife is waiting for you. There would be no way of knowing what's out there except to go and experience it firsthand -- and just like everyone else, you will eventually, whether you decide to ctb or not.

So don't get caught up in your fears, there's no reason to. Just relax, and do your best to focus on what's in front of you.

 

[Havic228]

Do not kill your self please it's not worth it, Iv tried many times and I feel nothing but regret for trying and friends and family who have gone through with and it cause so many problems. You think your killing your self has no ramifications but when my Aunt hung herself it broke my family. Life is to precious to waste do not spend it depressed spend it happy and full-filled, and do not be afraid of doctors seek help there is a light at the end of this you just have to start walking towards it.

 

[Kattt]

My personal beliefs might be different to your own. The reality is that we each have differing, if only slightly, understandings of what they expect to find after this physical vehicle is no longer capable of supporting us.
The only way to consider such matters is to weigh the misery involved in this existence against your notion of what would follow your demise.
There are worse things than death. I think most people would agree on that point. Personally, it's not death I'm afraid of, but rather suffering. For me, the pain and suffering of a lingering death outweighs death and my personal vision of what it entails. That has it decided.

 

[GasMonkey]

My theory is that survival instinct (SI) serves a purpose.
That purpose is to make absolutely sure you are ready to ctb.
When you are absolutely ready, you will be able to overcome your SI.
But not before then.

Wise words.

 

[Kattt]

Wise words.

Given personal experience, this is absolutely true. When you are ready, you enter a disassociative state that I describe as "the black pit of despair", within which there is no space for any of the worldly things that keep us clinging to life. All that falls away. When people say they can never understand how someone with so much, or in a specific situation could have taken their life... this is exactly how.

 

[dembe]

Fear of the unknown is for all of us.
Even without religion, the fear is still there.
I think it is part of our survival instinct.

I agree with this theory.
A person remembers no presence before he was born, so why should he recognize a presence after he dies.
This is probably the best living proof of what we will feel when we die.

My theory is that survival instinct (SI) serves a purpose.
That purpose is to make absolutely sure you are ready to ctb.
When you are absolutely ready, you will be able to overcome your SI.
But not before then.

PS: as you may know, I am not currently seeking to ctb.
I have not been able to defeat my SI, along with other factors which improved my life.
My best wishes to everyone here - may you be able to get the peace you desire, no matter which way you go.

You're probably right, when I'm really ready I probably won't give a fuck about whatever else is on the other side, idk whether to be happy or sad about it, but it makes sense, I thought I was atleast a little more ready. Religion is so heavily enforced in my head which makes me feel like I will torture myself with thinking of death but never truly doing anything about it, which I just have to live with ig, Fun, I'm having so much fun.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

The only way to solve your problem is to get the poison of religion out of your head.

By the way, is suicide really forbidden in the bible? Strictly speaking committet Jesus suicide.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is no point really to fearing death as we are all destined to die anyway and there is no evidence of there being anything after this. I strongly believe anything associated with religion and any kind of afterlife to be completely fictional, of course I think that we just cease to exist with not even the awareness of the fact that we are dead and this thought is the only thing that could ever comfort me.

 

[color_me_gone]

I think that we just cease to exist with not even the awareness of the fact that we are dead and this thought is the only thing that could ever comfort me

Eternal nothingness is definitely appealing and comforting, compared to what we experience alive.

 

[EndlessDream]

I'm willing to risk it, anywhere but here

 

[Ampsvx123]

Don't resent what is after, whatever the angels decide is all the leniency we deserve. Whatever they choose, ought to be cherished.

 

[HopeIsLost]

Same. I was raised by a Christian family but I've lost my faith due to well it's probably not hard to tell. Anyways though, due to me not having these beliefs anymore, I fear other stuff like reincarnating into a worse life or being out into a reincarnation loop where I'll never be free or anything. I'm also afraid my soul could be trapped here and I'm doomed to live my life as a ghost/entity.

 

[lost&lonely]

I lost any faith I had many, many, many years ago and since believe that we just cease to exist. Nothing more nothing less.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

This is how I was raised too (just not by a pastor), but I'm doing my best to stay positive and hope for nonexistence. If there is a god, whether it's the Biblical one or a different one, I'm planning on telling them to fuck themselves. Not sure I'll have the courage when the time comes to meet this alleged cosmic dictator, but if belief in their existence only exists because of indoctrination and fear mongering, then there's a good chance the people who taught us to believe are either wrong or pretending to be religious so they can control and manipulate others, but the majority of religious people are probably in the first group.

Don't resent what is after, whatever the angels decide is all the leniency we deserve. Whatever they choose, ought to be cherished.

If angels or gods exist, what right do they have to decide what people deserve or don't deserve? Who gave them that right? Themselves? Sounds like "might makes right". If these "angels" arbitrarily decide that people should be tortured forever, then you'd have to be one hell of a masochist to cherish that. If you believe that you're one of the lucky few to not be tortured forever, but cherish the eternal suffering of others, then you're a psychopath (but I hope you're not actually like that).

If these same angels or gods are only determining what people deserve based on how well or poorly we devoted our lives to serving them, then they're clearly not worth our devotion whatsoever. Narcissism doesn't suddenly become a good thing just because some all-powerful being has it as a character trait, instead of a human. That would be a double standard. It's also pointless to pretend that such beings are benevolent and merciful if their behavior is the exact opposite of those things.

 

[alivefornow]

I have no idea of what is on the other side. I have no beliefs. I do have hope though. I hope it's nothing. I hope death is just the end of existence. Whatever I am, I hope that stops existing after death. This is a difficult concept to imagine I believe. Not existing is not a concept the human mind can conceive, because it needs to exist to make conceptions. Anyway if there is some kind of existence after death, I hope the form I take cannot feel pain or suffer. If there is life and suffering after death, then God would be real and very cruel.

 

[Blizzard]

My belief is there is nothing after death. We just cease to exist. No thoughts, no memories. Just nothingness like before we were born.

 

[whatcomesafter]

I can certainly agree with you on this. Don't want to be here but completely in fear of what may come next if I end it all

Same.