Venting I want to kill myself but I don’t know how.

[fauna]

I'm broke, I'm in debt and can't afford SN (or Tagamet), much less N. I can't find fentanyl, I'm squeamish when it comes to strangulation/hanging, and I don't have any pills I can successfully OD on. I can't drive to a train station, I've been too depressed to get my license. I tried jumping out of a hotel window in Nee York, the windows were bolted... I've tried locating my mom's gun countless times, but I was dumb enough to say I wanted to shoot myself at 12: it's locked up and taken apart. I don't know what to do. I just want this to end. Nobody wants me, I've ruined every relationship I've ever been in with my mental illness, the countless antidepressants I've taken have never once worked, and suicide hasn't left my mind since my three inpatient hospitalizations over two years ago.

Sorry if this is stupid. I'm just crying in bed, wishing I could man up and blood choke myself to death.

Can I hang myself with my blankets? How do I find the courage to drown myself in the bath? Can I kill myself with my Lunesta? Adderall? Dear god I just want to end it

 

[jake3d]

I wouldn't OD on any on those meds, it will hurt. If you're serious, go out on the streets where junkies hang out and ask for H. You'll stumble upon fent pretty soon, it's not that hard.

 

[GameIsSkewed]

My full emathy for your incurable condition. If you need support to do what your internal gut feeling has been telling you for years, I give it to you. I hope you set yourself free, whatever way that may be..

 

[fauna]

I wouldn't OD on any on those meds, it will hurt. If you're serious, go out on the streets where junkies hang out and ask for H. You'll stumble upon fent pretty soon, it's not that hard.

Maybe I could catch an Uber to Dallas and wander around the bad parts, lol. Sadly I'm a small woman and I don't think that would go over too well :,(

My full emathy for your incurable condition. If you need support to do what your internal gut feeling has been telling you for years, I give it to you. I hope you set yourself free, whatever way that may be..

Honestly, I'd love help. I've got Zofran and benzos at home, I was thinking about ordering SN with a prepaid card... but sometimes my parents check the mail. That's a one way ticket to the hospital.

Thank you for your kindness. Somehow, I feel like a loser even on this forum. I'm down for almost any method at this point... I felt like throwing myself down the stairs as I went to go take a shot, lol.

 

[GameIsSkewed]

Thank you for your kindness.

I appreciate it, I'm glad.

throwing myself down the stairs as I went to go take a shot, lol.

Dunno why initially read that as "take a shit", but it made me laugh a little bit on the thought of that situation I must admit.

 

[jake3d]

Honestly, I'd love help. I've got Zofran and benzos at home, I was thinking about ordering SN with a prepaid card... but sometimes my parents check the mail. That's a one way ticket to the hospital.

Tell them it's for a chemistry project maybe? Better yet, ask a friend to order it for you, who is clueless or doesn't care what it is. You can find a way if you're determined. If not, maybe you should wait it out some more.

 

[fauna]

I appreciate it, I'm glad.

Dunno why initially read that as "take a shit", but it made me laugh a little bit on the thought of that situation I must admit.

Glad I got a laugh out of you :)
If you know any easy ways out, feel free to PM or share here. I'm pretty sick of life. I can't even talk to people on message boards, for God's sake lol

Tell them it's for a chemistry project maybe? Better yet, ask a friend to order it for you, who is clueless or doesn't care what it is. You can find a way if you're determined. If not, maybe you should wait it out some more.

Sadly, I don't have a friend that cares enough to order me anything. The friends that do care are suicidal like me lol. They've probably considered SN too.

I might just hang myself from my pants or something in my closet; I couldn't ask my parents for rope since they know I'm suicidal. Oh well.

 

[fauna]

I don't want to make a new thread, so I guess I'll vent here because there must be at least a few people reading.

I can't take this anymore. People just leave me on read. I'll pour my heart out to the person who supposedly loves me, and he'll leave me on read. He left me because he said he wants me to get better, he said that we had a future... he was my best friend that I spent almost every day with, I supported him through his mother's death, I flew out of country to visit his graduation, and I'm constantly available for him and he knows it. But he goes days, if not weeks, without reaching out to me. We used to play competitive games together online, he replaced me with his friends. I have no friends. While he's off with other people, I am alone. He doesn't care about me anymore- I told him I loved him and he didn't even bother to respond.

This is the second time I've dated a best friend, and this is the second time I've been broken up with and abandoned. They both made so many promises, swearing that they'd support me no matter what, but I was thrown away like garbage both times. I'm left to struggle alone when my mental illlness becomes most severe, when I need help most.

I hope I'm able to CTB soon.

 

[GameIsSkewed]

I don't want to make a new thread, so I guess I'll vent here because there must be at least a few people reading.

I can't take this anymore. People just leave me on read. I'll pour my heart out to the person who supposedly loves me, and he'll leave me on read. He left me because he said he wants me to get better, he said that we had a future... he was my best friend that I spent almost every day with, I supported him through his mother's death, I flew out of country to visit his graduation, and I'm constantly available for him and he knows it. But he goes days, if not weeks, without reaching out to me. We used to play competitive games together online, he replaced me with his friends. I have no friends. While he's off with other people, I am alone. He doesn't care about me anymore- I told him I loved him and he didn't even bother to respond.

This is the second time I've dated a best friend, and this is the second time I've been broken up with and abandoned. They both made so many promises, swearing that they'd support me no matter what, but I was thrown away like garbage both times. I'm left to struggle alone when my mental illlness becomes most severe, when I need help most.

I hope I'm able to CTB soon.

Holy moly, you are in hell girl. I absolutely understand your urgency. I feel so sad and angry reading what you've had to go through. Mental illness is a devil that noone deserves. I hope you'll stop your perpetual suffering however possible.
You have so many things not going in your favor when it comes to CTB, however the one that seeks shall find the way. There have been prisoners hanging themselves using just shoelaces, so it's possible but not adequate. Check out this forum, I'm sure you'll find something that works for you. Best wishes.

 

[Yaalya]

I'm broke, I'm in debt and can't afford SN (or Tagamet), much less N. I can't find fentanyl, I'm squeamish when it comes to strangulation/hanging, and I don't have any pills I can successfully OD on. I can't drive to a train station, I've been too depressed to get my license. I tried jumping out of a hotel window in Nee York, the windows were bolted... I've tried locating my mom's gun countless times, but I was dumb enough to say I wanted to shoot myself at 12: it's locked up and taken apart. I don't know what to do. I just want this to end. Nobody wants me, I've ruined every relationship I've ever been in with my mental illness, the countless antidepressants I've taken have never once worked, and suicide hasn't left my mind since my three inpatient hospitalizations over two years ago.

Sorry if this is stupid. I'm just crying in bed, wishing I could man up and blood choke myself to death.

Can I hang myself with my blankets? How do I find the courage to drown myself in the bath? Can I kill myself with my Lunesta? Adderall? Dear god I just want to end it

sorry for the question but have u tried antipsychotics except antidepressants?

 

[memento_mori]

I'm down for almost any method at this point... I felt like throwing myself down the stairs as I went to go take a shot, lol.

A few years back, I've told a therapist I wanted to throw myself down the stairs and hopefully snap my neck/ crack my skull on the way. She just looked at me with one raised eyebrow and continued scribbling in her notebook...

 

[riverstyx]

I'm so sorry... but know that you're not alone. We are in the same boat and I would think that applies to a lot of people here.

Maybe it helps to think that no matter how much shit you're going through it's not going to last forever. Release comes to every man.

 

[GameIsSkewed]

A few years back, I've told a therapist I wanted to throw myself down the stairs and hopefully snap my neck/ crack my skull on the way. She just looked at me with one raised eyebrow and continued scribbling in her notebook...

"Oonga boonga, what this person is saying is socially unacceptable, let's instead of trying to help this poor soul I should just pretend I didn't hear anything until I finish the tretment and suck out some money."

 

[fauna]

Holy moly, you are in hell girl. I absolutely understand your urgency. I feel so sad and angry reading what you've had to go through. Mental illness is a devil that noone deserves. I hope you'll stop your perpetual suffering however possible.
You have so many things not going in your favor when it comes to CTB, however the one that seeks shall find the way. There have been prisoners hanging themselves using just shoelaces, so it's possible but not adequate. Check out this forum, I'm sure you'll find something that works for you. Best wishes.

Thank you so much. It is hell, it feels so relieving to have someone acknowledge that. I've been thinking about partially hanging from a tapestry my dad got me, but that seems cruel and scarring. I want to pass, but I don't want to hurt anyone. I wish N wasn't so expensive.

sorry for the question but have u tried antipsychotics except antidepressants?

I was on rexulti for a few days. I've never really had any schizophrenic symptoms, but the medicine scared me and I stopped. I didn't want to downregulate my serotonin receptors Im miserable as it is. I'm on a bipolar med atm- lamictal.

A few years back, I've told a therapist I wanted to throw myself down the stairs and hopefully snap my neck/ crack my skull on the way. She just looked at me with one raised eyebrow and continued scribbling in her notebook...

Therapists are assholes. I never would've been able to tell that to one though lol. Inpatient sucks and being placed in there for something you say to a therapist is even worse. I used to think of jumping into traffic all the time, and jumping out my window. It seems like suicide just calls to some people (hopefully not just me lmao)

 

[Ryusn]

Why are you in debt so young?

 

[fauna]

Why are you in debt so young?

Poor choices