Venting I want to kill my dreams

[borderline-feline]

I have dreams and aspiration of being an artist, and I just want to get rid of those dreams. It's not possible for me to learn to draw or write, but my brain keeps telling me that I should try again. I wasted $400 on a drawing tablet last year, and I've had so many meltdowns because I want to get rid of it. January 31st was the deadline for selling it, and now I think it would just be in my best interest to smash it to bits. It needs to be destroyed, because maybe that'll help me give up.

It's physically painful to me that I'll never be able to do anything with my life, but especially that I'll never be able to pursue any of my dreams. I have no creativity and no artistic capacity, but my brain insists on telling me that I need to do it. I want to be able to get rid of this craving to do artistic things, but I've still had no luck.

I shouldn't have dreams or aspirations since I don't deserve them, but I fall victim to maladaptive daydreaming. I daydream about the things that I wish I could do, knowing the entire time that none of them are possible. I need to just accept that I'll never have any kind of career or passion and that death is the only escape from the pain of desire.

How do I get myself to quit trying to be an artist? I've tried asking people for advice, but no one is ever willing to help. They all think that giving up would be wrong.

 

[Shadowlord900]

The only way I can think of getting rid of those thoughts (without relying on any medication that can just end up making you addicted or cause other problems) is finding things you keep yourself and your mind occupied. It can be anything, doesn't even need to be practical. Playing video games is what I do to keep myself occupied.

 

[downndone2]

I hate my dreams, they remind me of the past and my life I fucked up

 

[borderline-feline]

The only way I can think of getting rid of those thoughts (without relying on any medication that can just end up making you addicted or cause other problems) is finding things you keep yourself and your mind occupied. It can be anything, doesn't even need to be practical. Playing video games is what I do to keep myself occupied.

The problem is that I can't keep my mind occupied. I have too many thoughts going around in my head at any given moment, and even doing something that requires a lot of focus doesn't stop me from having those thoughts and desires.

My only hobbies are centered in media consumption, but that causes me to want to draw and write. It's at the point where I've lost interest in a lot of things that I used to love because of the pain that they cause me. I can't play games or watch anime without wanting to write fanfiction or draw fanart, and I can't listen to music without wanting to write my own songs. Nothing can sufficiently occupy me.

In all honesty, it makes me miss when I was a teenager and spent every waking hour on ketamine so that I could just feel nothing.

 

[CTB Dream]

Nt know but think avoid reasn want art, , this befr injury damage can art but still take long time. V understand want write music draw etc this life concept awful no allw

 

[Shadowlord900]

The problem is that I can't keep my mind occupied. I have too many thoughts going around in my head at any given moment, and even doing something that requires a lot of focus doesn't stop me from having those thoughts and desires.

My only hobbies are centered in media consumption, but that causes me to want to draw and write. It's at the point where I've lost interest in a lot of things that I used to love because of the pain that they cause me. I can't play games or watch anime without wanting to write fanfiction or draw fanart, and I can't listen to music without wanting to write my own songs. Nothing can sufficiently occupy me.

In all honesty, it makes me miss when I was a teenager and spent every waking hour on ketamine so that I could just feel nothing.

Sounds to me like you haven't found that perfect piece of media yet.

I suffer from a similar problem too. Despite liking a variety of video games and animation, I always feel like 'there's something missing' that I dream about adding, or simply just wanting to add myself to that world, but lacking the skills to do so. It's a third of the reason why I want to CTB.

 

[electricworry]

I am in a similar boat. Does it feel good (or has it ever felt good) to draw at all for you, and if so, is it your self criticism making you want to give up creative endeavors? Or is it moreso that you have big goals that you feel you can not live up to?

 

[borderline-feline]

Sounds to me like you haven't found that perfect piece of media yet.

I suffer from a similar problem too. Despite liking a variety of video games and animation, I always feel like 'there's something missing' that I dream about adding, or simply just wanting to add myself to that world, but lacking the skills to do so. It's a third of the reason why I want to CTB.

I 100% get that. When I'm very invested in a game or an anime I have a tendency to self-insert mentally. That's part of what fuels that desire to create fan content. Creating fan content would also allow me to take control and fix writing mistakes that I strongly disagree with. I place a high value on escapism because of how much I hate living in reality.

I am in a similar boat. Does it feel good (or has it ever felt good) to draw at all for you, and if so, is it your self criticism making you want to give up creative endeavors? Or is it moreso that you have big goals that you feel you can not live up to?

It's hard to say if I've ever truly enjoyed anything or if I truly want to do something. I don't know where I end and other people begin, and I have a tendency to take on the traits of people close to me so that I'm more able to make them stay and not leave me. My favorite person draws and writes; he also does a lot of other artistic things like bullet journaling and drag. I don't know if this desire is really mine or if it's an attempt to keep him from ever leaving me.

It's hard for me to say if an activity has felt good, because my emotions change too quickly for me to process them.

I become very overwhelmed when I try to draw something. I can trace things easily, but when I don't have something telling me exactly what to do, I can't function. There are a lot of artists I really look up to and wish I could be like, people like Toboso Yana, Omocat, and Maruo Suehiro. I know that I could never be like any of them, especially with how Toboso-sensei is essentially the queen of my kind.

I want to draw cute boys doing cute things (e.g. Lǐ Xiǎoláng from Cardcaptor Sakura eating ice cream on a hot day), and I also want to draw and write fucked up erotica to channel my pain and trauma into.

I think one of the issues is that I was never advised with realism in mind. People would tell me that I could do anything that I put my mind to, which is a very harmful thing to tell a kid because it sets unrealistic expectations. I was told that I could do anything despite my disability, but I struggle with the most basic of things. I can't draw, my writing is incredibly unfocused since I tend to go off on tangents when speaking, and even things related to intelligence, like math, are impossible for me. I'm generally incompetent and would describe myself as a worthless protoplasm.

 

[electricworry]

It's hard to say if I've ever truly enjoyed anything or if I truly want to do something. I don't know where I end and other people begin, and I have a tendency to take on the traits of people close to me so that I'm more able to make them stay and not leave me.

it's hard for me to say if an activity has felt good, because my emotions change too quickly for me to process them.

I think one of the issues is that I was never advised with realism in mind. People would tell me that I could do anything that I put my mind to, which is a very harmful thing to tell a kid because it sets unrealistic expectations.

I relate to these so much that it hurts. Genuinely, it feels weird to relate to someone this much. I've been the same way when it comes to art. I can't tell you how many books on drawing I've wasted over the years. But I still have this creative yearning in me, mainly spurred on by seeing people put out their stuff on YouTube.

I've accepted I'll probably never draw anything beyond tracing, or spending hours at a time to painstakingly and poorly recreate a sketch someone probably spent a few seconds on. BUT I've allowed myself the little bit of leeway from self hatred that, those stupid sketches that take hours? They're for me. And a couple friends. And that's ok. (Can't give details, don't want to be recognized, but I spent hours trying to draw an among us character trying to make it kind of resemble an internet personality. Friend laughed.)

And also? There's other forms of art out there, you can still make something creative! It's all you. Take pictures of a model and trace over it with whatever you want. As long as you're honest about it, anyone who says it isn't art can fuck right off.

Plus there's 3D stuff on the computer. I've had a music video cooking in my head for a long time, and once I get my life stable enough to have free time I'm definitely planning on making it. Even if it's just a shitty gmod slideshow straight out of 2008.

Basically this is all to say, that if something has even a chance of giving you joy in this dark world, it might be worth a second chance from a different angle if it didn't work out.

I know I ignored your original question about how to give up art, sorry I went on a little personal rant there. I guess it's just hard, especially when you self insert mentally and have all these ideas sparked in your head.

I guess my answer to your original question would be to try to find peace in not having some of grand recognition for your art. It can almost feel like a mini delusion of grandeur, from my own personal account.

The idea of making this thing and having all this praise heaped upon you. Some people can have those thoughts drive them, but others like myself become paralyzed by them.

 

[borderline-feline]

I relate to these so much that it hurts. Genuinely, it feels weird to relate to someone this much. I've been the same way when it comes to art. I can't tell you how many books on drawing I've wasted over the years. But I still have this creative yearning in me, mainly spurred on by seeing people put out their stuff on YouTube.

I've accepted I'll probably never draw anything beyond tracing, or spending hours at a time to painstakingly and poorly recreate a sketch someone probably spent a few seconds on. BUT I've allowed myself the little bit of leeway from self hatred that, those stupid sketches that take hours? They're for me. And a couple friends. And that's ok. (Can't give details, don't want to be recognized, but I spent hours trying to draw an among us character trying to make it kind of resemble an internet personality. Friend laughed.)

And also? There's other forms of art out there, you can still make something creative! It's all you. Take pictures of a model and trace over it with whatever you want. As long as you're honest about it, anyone who says it isn't art can fuck right off.

Plus there's 3D stuff on the computer. I've had a music video cooking in my head for a long time, and once I get my life stable enough to have free time I'm definitely planning on making it. Even if it's just a shitty gmod slideshow straight out of 2008.

Basically this is all to say, that if something has even a chance of giving you joy in this dark world, it might be worth a second chance from a different angle if it didn't work out.

I know I ignored your original question about how to give up art, sorry I went on a little personal rant there. I guess it's just hard, especially when you self insert mentally and have all these ideas sparked in your head.

I guess my answer to your original question would be to try to find peace in not having some of grand recognition for your art. It can almost feel like a mini delusion of grandeur, from my own personal account.

The idea of making this thing and having all this praise heaped upon you. Some people can have those thoughts drive them, but others like myself become paralyzed by them.

You don't have to apologize for going on a tangent; I'm prone to doing the same thing.

I don't think that other mediums would work for me either. I enjoy tracing and want to be able to do a certain type of art. Anything 3D is completely unappealing to me; all I'm interested in is drawing art of fictional characters that I like and writing fucked up erotica of them.

As much as I enjoy tracing, I also feel guilty about it, because I don't want to misrepresent something as my own creation. I've already plagiarized doujinshi in fanfiction I've "written" before.

Part of why this hurts so much is that I want so badly to be good at something, and I want so badly to be able to earn a living. I'm eventually gonna have to quit my job due to lack of transportation when my sister gets a job that actually uses her degree. She's the daughter that our father is actually proud of.

I know that I could never make a career out of art, even if I were to get good at it. I know that I wouldn't be able to capture an audience, an if I did, then I'd get a lot of backlash for the kinds of things that I want to draw. You'd be surprised by how hostile people can get on the internet over drawings of anime characters.

I'm also just afraid of being known. My ex-girlfriend spread lies about me in the past and dismantled the support system I had at the time, and I don't want to have any kind of spotlight on me and risk more lies, slander, and abuse. Unfortunately, there's nothing I could make money off of, and there aren't any jobs that involve the couple of things I'm passionate about without having any kind of spotlight.

I also want to be completely forgotten by everyone when I die. I want all records of my existence to be destroyed as soon as possible once I've caught the bus, so anything like that would complicate that aspect.

 

[wr3ck3d]

Art is full of failure and only through failure you get to learn art. I know what you're going through as I have struggled for oven a dozen years to create my own art, but whenever I put it down on paper I just realize how clueless I am about making the art I want.
You should keep your art, any art, and try to learn from it, make it better next time, and even better after, until you master it. That's how art works. And once you mastered your own type of art you can try something different, but related to your art so it can help you.

 

[electricworry]

You'd be surprised by how hostile people can get on the internet over drawings of anime characters.

Oh believe me, I know. If you enjoy tracing, by all means continue doing it. As long as you say that you traced some parts, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty over. Nothing wrong with fanfiction either.

But I guess your real issue is trying to figure out a future plan that doesn't involve working with your passions. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if you feel like that's for the best, then my best guess would be to start shooting for other jobs where travel isn't an issue and try to fully immerse yourself in it once you nab one. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'd still say to do your tracings and fanfic on your off hours though. You could even do like collages of tracings, get real avant garde with it if you feel like tracing isn't 'creative' enough. It's good to have a passion in life, even if the world doesn't let you make a living off it.

 

[borderline-feline]

Art is full of failure and only through failure you get to learn art. I know what you're going through as I have struggled for oven a dozen years to create my own art, but whenever I put it down on paper I just realize how clueless I am about making the art I want.
You should keep your art, any art, and try to learn from it, make it better next time, and even better after, until you master it. That's how art works. And once you mastered your own type of art you can try something different, but related to your art so it can help you.

That's definitely not an option. Some people just aren't able to create art. I don't have any kind of creativity in me, and trying to be artistic is tantamount to self-harm for me.

 

[wr3ck3d]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought your desire of expressing your art would be better to take a physical form rather than just numbing your brain with constant thoughts, yet I did not know that this is also a source of pain for you. May I ask why you think this is the case? It's OK with you don't want to tell me, but if you feel lack or creativity or originality are the problem then there are art classes for this specific reason

 

[borderline-feline]

Oh believe me, I know. If you enjoy tracing, by all means continue doing it. As long as you say that you traced some parts, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty over. Nothing wrong with fanfiction either.

But I guess your real issue is trying to figure out a future plan that doesn't involve working with your passions. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if you feel like that's for the best, then my best guess would be to start shooting for other jobs where travel isn't an issue and try to fully immerse yourself in it once you nab one. Like ripping off a bandaid.

I'd still say to do your tracings and fanfic on your off hours though. You could even do like collages of tracings, get real avant garde with it if you feel like tracing isn't 'creative' enough. It's good to have a passion in life, even if the world doesn't let you make a living off it.

I don't plan on posting anything I've traced; I just mean that the kinds of things that I wish that I could draw would get me harassed online.

The thing about the future plans aspect is that I CAN'T get another job. I can't drive because of my disability, so I don't have any options for work. The only kind of job I can picture myself tolerating is one that relates to my special interests. Before I got my current job (almost a year ago), I was living a hikikomori lifestyle, and I greatly miss that lifestyle. I want to go back to devoting all of my time to indulging in media consumption, because that's what I love to do. I can't go too long without indulging in my special interests, which is why I bring my Switch and BL manga to work so I can play or read during breaks.

I can't actually write. The issue I had wasn't that it was fanfiction; it was that I plagiarized other people's work and passed it off as my own, which is why I deleted every posting of fanfiction I ever did. Plagiarism is something to feel guilty about.

Tracing doesn't require any real skill or talent, whereas drawing does. I don't know if I can go back to tracing because it kind of stresses me out as well. I just start thinking about how I'll never be able to create anything, just poorly replicate. I don't see life as worth living if I have to go on disability or do a job that I hate.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought your desire of expressing your art would be better to take a physical form rather than just numbing your brain with constant thoughts, yet I did not know that this is also a source of pain for you. May I ask why you think this is the case? It's OK with you don't want to tell me, but if you feel lack or creativity or originality are the problem then there are art classes for this specific reason

Creativity isn't something that can just be created within me, and even if it could, art classes aren't an option because I can't afford classes and can't drive. Honestly, creativity is something that you're either born with or born without, and I think that the majority of people, myself included, are born without creativity

I gave a shitty drawing of a cat I did at work to my favorite person because he really liked it, but that was just because it was something I did. I knew that he'd be upset if I did what I actually wanted and burned the paper, so I had no choice but to gift it to him for his birthday. Having it around would've ben too risky. I could've ended up burning the paper, and then my favorite person probably would've been done with my bullshit and would've left me.

I get really overwhelmed, and the fact that I'm not capable of actually drawing is a big source of pain for me. I tried drawing a face last year, but I gave up partway through because I couldn't handle it. I'm not able to do anything unless I'm being given direct and exact instructions, which is a big part of why I'll never be able to do any kind of art.

 

[Failure21]

I feel the same. Every day I go through life hoping and wishing that things will fix itself. I imagine me fixing my relationships with my friends after fucking them up beyond repair. I want to talk to them, to apologize but I know it's just a hopeless dream that I should just forget but I can't no matter how hard I try. Same thing with me actually having a career. I went to college with the assumption that I could do something with my life but I've amounted to nothing and now all I can do is live my life imagining things worked out but knowing it never will. I want to lobotmize myself so I can't let myself down with these hopeless dreams

 

[Forever Sleep]

Working in retail full time was pretty effective for me. It just utterly killed my soul and exhausted me. I no longer had any energy or will to create- and creativity has always been EVERYTHING to me. Of course- it also made me utterly depressed too.

If you can't get another job and you can't find other ways to occupy your time, it may be that you'll need to accept that you likely still will WANT to create. It will just be up to you whether you do it or not. If you know it's only going to upset you- then- maybe you just don't do it. There will still be the frustration of wanting to of course but I guess you have to decide on which is worse.

I'd still say the ideal would be to keep going but do your best to accept it that you won't be as good as you want to be. (All artists have to accept that I would say.) Copying or tracing is actually fine- so long as you don't publish it. That is copyright infringement. It's just whether you will be content doing this as a hobby for yourself- in which case- there doesn't need to be such huge pressure to achieve (In theory.)

Of course- you know yourself best though- you know what's acceptible to you. I wonder if you might need to compromise though and settle on the lesser of the evils. Either try and accept your short comings and enjoy the process of drawing/copying/tracing but without publishing it. Or- accept that you may still want to do it but just don't. A bit like a diet really. People on a diet still get hungry- they just choose to eat less or cut out certain foods. None of it is easy but sadly- life isn't unfortunately. Sometimes, I think we're stuck with having to compromise.

 

[borderline-feline]

Working in retail full time was pretty effective for me. It just utterly killed my soul and exhausted me. I no longer had any energy or will to create- and creativity has always been EVERYTHING to me. Of course- it also made me utterly depressed too.

If you can't get another job and you can't find other ways to occupy your time, it may be that you'll need to accept that you likely still will WANT to create. It will just be up to you whether you do it or not. If you know it's only going to upset you- then- maybe you just don't do it. There will still be the frustration of wanting to of course but I guess you have to decide on which is worse.

I'd still say the ideal would be to keep going but do your best to accept it that you won't be as good as you want to be. (All artists have to accept that I would say.) Copying or tracing is actually fine- so long as you don't publish it. That is copyright infringement. It's just whether you will be content doing this as a hobby for yourself- in which case- there doesn't need to be such huge pressure to achieve (In theory.)

Of course- you know yourself best though- you know what's acceptible to you. I wonder if you might need to compromise though and settle on the lesser of the evils. Either try and accept your short comings and enjoy the process of drawing/copying/tracing but without publishing it. Or- accept that you may still want to do it but just don't. A bit like a diet really. People on a diet still get hungry- they just choose to eat less or cut out certain foods. None of it is easy but sadly- life isn't unfortunately. Sometimes, I think we're stuck with having to compromise.

I wish there was a way for me to stop wanting to create. I want to just completely give up and stop thinking about all of this, but I can't. Everything just brings me back to the things I want to do but can't.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish there was a way for me to stop wanting to create. I want to just completely give up and stop thinking about all of this, but I can't. Everything just brings me back to the things I want to do but can't.

I wish I knew the answer too. I've always felt that creativity is just as much of a curse as it is a gift. If you're not able to do it- because- let's face it- it's not exactly an in-demand skill in this age. Or- you feel constantly frustrated by failure- I agree- it can be a torment. A 'splinter in your mind' as Morpheus put it in The Matrix- always loved that quote. I'm sorry.

Probably not worth much but I'm struggling too- or- will be very shortly. I'm not good enough or flexible enough to make my creativity work in a stable job. I'm just about to start an unrelated job to pay the bills. I want to keep going with my work because it means EVERYTHING to me but I'm pretty sure I'm going to struggle.

I expect there are quite a few struggling artists on here- at all different levels and for whatever reason- it sucks. To have that desperate drive but not to be able to realise it is quite a difficult thing to describe to someone who says 'how nice it must be to be creative'.

 

[borderline-feline]

I wish I knew the answer too. I've always felt that creativity is just as much of a curse as it is a gift. If you're not able to do it- because- let's face it- it's not exactly an in-demand skill in this age. Or- you feel constantly frustrated by failure- I agree- it can be a torment. A 'splinter in your mind' as Morpheus put it in The Matrix- always loved that quote. I'm sorry.

Probably not worth much but I'm struggling too- or- will be very shortly. I'm not good enough or flexible enough to make my creativity work in a stable job. I'm just about to start an unrelated job to pay the bills. I want to keep going with my work because it means EVERYTHING to me but I'm pretty sure I'm going to struggle.

I expect there are quite a few struggling artists on here- at all different levels and for whatever reason- it sucks. To have that desperate drive but not to be able to realise it is quite a difficult thing to describe to someone who says 'how nice it must be to be creative'.

I just have no creativity in general. I'm jealous of people who can draw, because it's something that I'll never be capable of doing. The same goes for writing. I'm bad at everything that I try, but no one ever believes me when I tell them the depths of my incompetence and worthlessness. Some people are too blinded by ideals or by a belief that it's kinder to deny the things that I know to be true.

Too many people have told me that everyone has "inherent creativity" and that "anyone can learn to draw". I know that both of those statements are verifiably false, but most people seem to view providing false hope as charitable instead of the reality, which is that it's harmful. I need people to validate the things that I know to be true, like the fact that I'm worthless and the fact that I'll never be capable of learning to draw or write.

I wish that my favorite person would tell me how worthless and incompetent I am. I wish that he would tell me that I'll never amount to anything and that I'm completely incapable of learning to draw or write. I wish that he would take off his rose-colored classes and see that I'm nothing more than a worthless and pathetic ball of slime.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just have no creativity in general. I'm jealous of people who can draw, because it's something that I'll never be capable of doing. The same goes for writing. I'm bad at everything that I try, but no one ever believes me when I tell them the depths of my incompetence and worthlessness. Some people are too blinded by ideals or by a belief that it's kinder to deny the things that I know to be true.

Too many people have told me that everyone has "inherent creativity" and that "anyone can learn to draw". I know that both of those statements are verifiably false, but most people seem to view providing false hope as charitable instead of the reality, which is that it's harmful. I need people to validate the things that I know to be true, like the fact that I'm worthless and the fact that I'll never be capable of learning to draw or write.

I wish that my favorite person would tell me how worthless and incompetent I am. I wish that he would tell me that I'll never amount to anything and that I'm completely incapable of learning to draw or write. I wish that he would take off his rose-colored classes and see that I'm nothing more than a worthless and pathetic ball of slime.

I mean- to an extent they're right- you CAN write- you just have- here... I understood what you meant. I expect you CAN draw as well. It's just that YOU don't think you can do either well. Some people would likely agree with you and some wouldn't. Creativity is EXTREMELY subjective (thank God.)

It's more whether you want to continue with something YOU so firmly believe you're no good at. You sound very all or nothing- which I do understand by the way.

As for hoping that everyone around you will start seeing you as utterly worthless- I doubt that's going to happen. People who truly care about us will likely care all the more when we feel worthless ourselves. Even people I have hated in life- I don't tend to see as worthless- it's just that I don't want anything to do with them anymore. I'm sure they are still valuable to other people.

Depending on the person of course but I'd say if they are a good person- they will treat someone who is clearly vulnerable with respect. You've got to be a sadist to 'kick a dog when it's down.' (Not calling you a dog by the way- it's an expression.) I think lack of confidence can come from negative experiences. Too many of them and we just absorb all that awful stuff and it cripples us. MAYBE you are right- MAYBE you are terrible at everything. Is it genuinely that you feel that way though- or- is it because you have had negative criticism in the past?

I don't know what to say really. I don't want to invalidate how you feel. I'm sure you genuinely do feel that way. I don't think many people would be willing to endorse it as a fact though. Especially if they don't genuinely feel it.

Honestly- I think it's impressive you hold down any kind of job- if you are really as bad as you think you are. You may rely on your sister for transport but still- going to work is a big responsibility.

 

[justkenisfine]

The only way I can think of getting rid of those thoughts (without relying on any medication that can just end up making you addicted or cause other problems) is finding things you keep yourself and your mind occupied. It can be anything, doesn't even need to be practical. Playing video games is what I do to keep myself occupied.

Video games is a good idea. It sounds silly but I keep a ds charged and loaded with a calming but kinda grindy game and that legit is so nice to constantly have on hand to curve SH for me at least. And (I don't want to tell you what you're doing or feeling, so don't take this too seriously) destroying things you own can be a form of self harm. I know when I was "trying" to stop SH I would destroy stuff that had sentimental value because I thought it was better than harming my body but emotionally it felt almost the exact same.

 

[borderline-feline]

I mean- to an extent they're right- you CAN write- you just have- here... I understood what you meant. I expect you CAN draw as well. It's just that YOU don't think you can do either well. Some people would likely agree with you and some wouldn't. Creativity is EXTREMELY subjective (thank God.)

It's more whether you want to continue with something YOU so firmly believe you're no good at. You sound very all or nothing- which I do understand by the way.

As for hoping that everyone around you will start seeing you as utterly worthless- I doubt that's going to happen. People who truly care about us will likely care all the more when we feel worthless ourselves. Even people I have hated in life- I don't tend to see as worthless- it's just that I don't want anything to do with them anymore. I'm sure they are still valuable to other people.

Depending on the person of course but I'd say if they are a good person- they will treat someone who is clearly vulnerable with respect. You've got to be a sadist to 'kick a dog when it's down.' (Not calling you a dog by the way- it's an expression.) I think lack of confidence can come from negative experiences. Too many of them and we just absorb all that awful stuff and it cripples us. MAYBE you are right- MAYBE you are terrible at everything. Is it genuinely that you feel that way though- or- is it because you have had negative criticism in the past?

I don't know what to say really. I don't want to invalidate how you feel. I'm sure you genuinely do feel that way. I don't think many people would be willing to endorse it as a fact though. Especially if they don't genuinely feel it.

Honestly- I think it's impressive you hold down any kind of job- if you are really as bad as you think you are. You may rely on your sister for transport but still- going to work is a big responsibility.

I'd say that there's a difference between writing my thoughts and actually crafting a story. The latter is what I can't do. As for drawing, I don't consider scribbles to be drawing, so I can't draw. I've tried time and time again, but I'm not capable of doing these things, but no one ever believes me. People always just tell me to try out a different medium and that everyone has innate creativity, but that just makes problems worse.

I have no value to bring to the world or to other people. I don't think that people caring about someone means that that someone has value. I want people to see me for what I truly am, a worthless protoplasm. When people try to build me up, it makes me hate them, because all it does is make the next meltdown and the next failure that much more painful.

The problem isn't a lack of confidence but a lack of competence. The problem isn't that people have given me negative criticism; it's that they haven't told me how bad that I am at things. I WANT someone to kick me while I'm down (although I'm more of a cat than a dog), because anything else is what's truly sadistic. People refuse to see my limitations and then build me up, which is a cruel thing to do because I'm just going to end up disappointing people.

It's the easiest job known to man. All I do is run parts through computers and mark down if the computer finds a problem. Literally anyone could do what I do, even a child. When I lose transportation, I'm gonna be incapable of doing anything. I refuse to go on disability, and I'm not capable of finding another job due to my incompetence and my inability to drive. When I inevitably have to quit, I'm going to be completely incapable of supporting myself and will have no choice other than to kill myself, breaking the promise I made to my favorite person and making him hate me after I die.

Video games is a good idea. It sounds silly but I keep a ds charged and loaded with a calming but kinda grindy game and that legit is so nice to constantly have on hand to curve SH for me at least. And (I don't want to tell you what you're doing or feeling, so don't take this too seriously) destroying things you own can be a form of self harm. I know when I was "trying" to stop SH I would destroy stuff that had sentimental value because I thought it was better than harming my body but emotionally it felt almost the exact same.

I'm glad that playing games is helpful to you. Unfortunately, media consumption just results in greater desires to create, thus making my problem worse. For the most part, I would rather harm myself than harm objects, but I really need to grow a spine and destroy the drawing tablet I bought last year.