i want to get away but have nowhere to go

[eggsausagerice]

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maybe it's just me wanting to get away from home itself instead of wanting to isolate myself from my friends. i was really chatty when my vacation was going on and felt happier than usual, even if i didn't do much during it besides walk around a lot, but i feel like my chest is tight now that i'm back home again even though nothing bad is happening. i feel like fomo overcomes me when i'm in a situation where i could do be something fun once i have the free time and energy, but i get overwhelmed and just lay in bed and watch videos instead. i like to watch the same youtuber or the same gaming videos over and over again when i feel anxious about something. i'm actually a pretty uninteresting person when you cut into my core. when i've talked about my feelings of deep meaninglessness and loneliness people asked what makes me happy. the thing is most of the stuff i enjoyed are from past relationships i had with people that i can't enjoy on my own, or something i lack the transportation to do (nature photography, swimming, thrifting). being shut into my house after my vacay is just making me feel depressed and nervous all over again.

it's been cold these last few days, so i haven't been able to practice roller skating like i wanted to. i didn't practice skating while on vacation either since i couldn't find flat enough ground + there were a lot of rain puddles. i've been thinking of looking into skateboarding, but first i need to put more effort into learning how to roller skate. i've just been looking at them and feeling guilty, but i'll do it when it gets warmer.

i would like to spend more time outside if i can, but being outside also feels kind of suffocating when i live in a suburb and there's a bunch of ring cameras and dogs. i don't know if that's whiny when it's a safe neighborhood with nice scenery overall. knowing that pretty much all of the houses have ring cameras that record me without consent and make a little ding noise when i walk past them makes me kind of annoyed though. i feel like i just live in what my parents think is a good neighborhood, but it's impossible to do anything or go anywhere without a car. most people don't really get it until they live in texas and realize it's as bad as i say it is.

i just feel really alone where i am. i'm trying to stop myself from hooking up with people i'm not attracted to since i do that more if i'm lonely and miserable, but it's hard for me to find other ways to be around other people when i feel like me being more clingy with my friends would just be annoying. i'm not very close with most of my friends and it's usually hard to make plans because only 1 person in our friend group can drive. we also live in different parts of town. i haven't made any new friends after cutting off everyone i knew in high school and while i was enrolled in college. i don't have a lot of opportunities to enjoy my own company because my anxiety always hangs over my head and makes me feel miserable most of the time. it also feels embarrassing to visit places on my own when i see so many people in groups or pairs. i noticed it a lot more when i was on my vacation.

even though i'm lonely, i don't want to talk to anyone. i just want to have something that keeps me busy so that i'm not bored like i usually am. i have no tasks or responsibilities besides needing to run errands from time to time. the reason i'm making this post at all is because i wanted to go run an errand and go somewhere 8 minutes from my house but my dad's been gone from the house, so now the shop's closing and i won't be able to do it tomorrow. it feels really lame to get upset about small things like that all the time, because i don't actually have much to look forward to my day otherwise. living in a small town just makes me acutely aware of how hard it is to convince people to spend time with me and how most of the things i can do in town are buy stuff, go to an overpriced movie, eat food, or scroll dating apps and hate myself. living here is insufferable.