I want to find a reason to carry on

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm not at the point where I'm ready to go yet, I want it to stop but I'm not brave enough to hit the button. I feel trapped, I don't want to be here but I am too scared that I'm making a mistake by ctb. I'm hopelessly indecisive anyway.

I'm caught in a hopeless situation with no way of resolving it and I know the best thing would be if I just wasn't here - it would be much easier for everyone to deal with.
One of the things stopping my is thinking of my five year old daughter being told mommy is dead. She will be so upset and I won't be there to make it better. The other part of me thinks - yeah she'll be sad for a day or so, give her a new toy and some sweets and an iPad and she won't be so bothered. And she's young enough that she won't even remember me so basically short term pain for long term gain. My son is 11 but he won't be as upset because he's older and more independent. My husband has never been very hands on but I'm sure they'll muddle through.
And then when I'm really low I just don't care. I won't be here to see it, it's not my problem.

I don't know what to do. I want something to happen either way to show me what I should do. It doesn't even matter, billions of humans on the planet, it's like an ant being squashed.

 

[Sherri]

I'm not at the point where I'm ready to go yet, I want it to stop but I'm not brave enough to hit the button. I feel trapped, I don't want to be here but I am too scared that I'm making a mistake by ctb. I'm hopelessly indecisive anyway.

I'm caught in a hopeless situation with no way of resolving it and I know the best thing would be if I just wasn't here - it would be much easier for everyone to deal with.
One of the things stopping my is thinking of my five year old daughter being told mommy is dead. She will be so upset and I won't be there to make it better. The other part of me thinks - yeah she'll be sad for a day or so, give her a new toy and some sweets and an iPad and she won't be so bothered. And she's young enough that she won't even remember me so basically short term pain for long term gain. My son is 11 but he won't be as upset because he's older and more independent. My husband has never been very hands on but I'm sure they'll muddle through.
And then when I'm really low I just don't care. I won't be here to see it, it's not my problem.

I don't know what to do. I want something to happen either way to show me what I should do. It doesn't even matter, billions of humans on the planet, it's like an ant being squashed.

Hello, I'm so sorry you are in that delicate situation being a mum of 2 for what I read. Have you been diagnosed with something like depression or seen someone like a doctor to see if your pain can be lessen?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

They prescribe medication which I won't take because I don't believe it will help.
Realistically I can see no other way out and when I look ahead twelve months I can't see anyway in which I will still be here but I'm scared I suppose.
I have to be 100% sure nothing is going to improve before I do it. I'm more than 90% sure at the moment and the longer it goes on the more sure I feel.
If there was a simple off button I would press it but unfortunately there isn't. I have to make sure whatever I do works and doesn't leave me in a worse situation than I'm in now - and make it worse for my children than it needs to be.
I'm hoping to catch covid and not survive it as I am vulnerable but in all likelihood I will survive. If it was just taken out of my hands it would be so much easier and I think it's easier for other people too if it's natural causes than suicide.

 

[Sherri]

They prescribe medication which I won't take because I don't believe it will help.
Realistically I can see no other way out and when I look ahead twelve months I can't see anyway in which I will still be here but I'm scared I suppose.
I have to be 100% sure nothing is going to improve before I do it. I'm more than 90% sure at the moment and the longer it goes on the more sure I feel.
If there was a simple off button I would press it but unfortunately there isn't. I have to make sure whatever I do works and doesn't leave me in a worse situation than I'm in now - and make it worse for my children than it needs to be.
I'm hoping to catch covid and not survive it as I am vulnerable but in all likelihood I will survive. If it was just taken out of my hands it would be so much easier and I think it's easier for other people too if it's natural causes than suicide.

Wish I could give you some better advice, but I'm not a mother, I will tag someone who is a mum @Sinkinshyp . You mentioned the medication, seems you didn't take it and already made your decision. But what harm it can do in trying for a month at least hun? Hugs.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I just feel strongly I'm not destined to be here. I have to go out later - I'm putting the sleeping tablets and insulin in the car. I'm not expected back for a few hours. If I did it at the start and parked up im fairly sure intervention wouldn't be fast enough. That's the main thing with insulin overdose - early intervention gives a better chance of survival. If I go out at 7pm and no one finds me until 1am that's quite a long time. If I turn my phone off before I leave no one should be able to track me terribly easily. I could leave the car and walk into woodland. It's cold as well which will surely help. It could even be tomorrow morning before I'm found. I'd quite like some music though. If I put my phone onto airplane mode can it still be tracked? Then I could have the music but still not be found so easily. The music isn't a deal breaker though.
I will google the phone thing.
The main thing is I don't want to fail and be left with things that will make me more of a burden. I don't want my children to see their mother left severely disabled. I just want to be gone.

 

[Sherri]

I just feel strongly I'm not destined to be here. I have to go out later - I'm putting the sleeping tablets and insulin in the car. I'm not expected back for a few hours. If I did it at the start and parked up im fairly sure intervention wouldn't be fast enough. That's the main thing with insulin overdose - early intervention gives a better chance of survival. If I go out at 7pm and no one finds me until 1am that's quite a long time. If I turn my phone off before I leave no one should be able to track me terribly easily. I could leave the car and walk into woodland. It's cold as well which will surely help. It could even be tomorrow morning before I'm found. I'd quite like some music though. If I put my phone onto airplane mode can it still be tracked? Then I could have the music but still not be found so easily. The music isn't a deal breaker though.

The airplane mode doesn't leave a track on your phone. Seems you are determined to go, so I want to wish you a peaceful way out, and I'm sorry this nasty world got one of us again... hugs hun. Remember that is always ok to change your mind. Good luck

 

[WornOutLife]

Oh dear, what a tough story. I didn't know what to do if I were in your shoes so it's really hard to give you an answer.
You said you haven't taken the meds right? Well, as @Sherri said, why not try to? Pills help me to sleep and make me less anxious at least.

Wish you the best and hope you can somehow find peace!

 

[awfullife]

GivingupandGivingin I have kids too. It's a tough situation I know. That's all I do is think about how they will react. It's a blessing having children but its a curse not being able to CTB because it will fuck them up. Whatever.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Kids are resilient though. That's what everyone said when I was thinking of leaving my husband.
This is no different really.

 

[littlecat]

YOU are the reason! Because every body, every councious is eternal!



Jesus always have a look on you, he is all over.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

I reared two children. I know exactly what you mean.

During a violent assault, just as I was losing consciousness, my last thought was, "Who will love my girls as much as I do?"

I will ask you that same question. Who will love your children as much as you love them?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

It doesn't matter how much I love them if I'm not a fit mother.
Their father and grandparents love them although they will no longer see my parents because my husband won't facilitate it. My parents will lose their only child and grandchildren in one fell swoop but such is life. They are in their 70s anyway.

 

[littlecat]

i say: you are a Part of your Familie even if you are not feel good. every body wants see you live and it is ALWAYS more pain for human who are loving you to know you are gone by suicide. I think.
A friend of me lost hier 18 year old son this way 7 years ago. NOW after 7 years he starts to feel ok again. He Said the nights... were Hard. every night full of pain and less sleep. I saw his pain in his eyes.

but although the reason to live should be YOU WANT TO LIVE ANS LEARN TO LIVE IN A GOOD WAY!

 

[Sinkinshyp]

As has been mentioned- Who will love your children the way you do? there is no love that compares to a mothers. AS @Sherri give medication a try. I think people should try everything they can before they decide to ctb. Try seeing a counselor and medication. Some medications need time up to 4-6 weeks to begin to work. It can't help to try. Your children love you even if you feel they don't. Yes, it will affect them. An ipad isn't the same as mom. Have you always felt this way? is it possible to give it more time to try meds and therapy?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I just think that I'd sooner not be around than be the person to break up their family. It's better for my husband too. Easier to have a dead wife than be a divorcee.
And then they haven't got to be split between parents - they are sad for a day or two and then ok again.
I just think it's easier all round.

 

[Intotheflames]

Is your issue affecting your role as a mother? How do you get on with them in general? It seems to me questions like this need to be taken into consideration.

 

[ovaltinee99]

If there's still a part of you that wants to carry on, might as well make the effort to make 'carrying on' a little more bearable. I didn't want to go on antidepressants because I don't like the idea of being dependent on medication. But I'm glad I did. In fact, I wish I had done it sooner. With antidepressants my lows aren't that low and I don't have much anxiety. Medication won't solve my problems, but it makes my day to day a little pleasant.

 

[littlecat]

Today i have positive thoughts although my pain is stronger than yesterday. maybe I can increase it by shring :)

 

[Sherri]

As has been mentioned- Who will love your children the way you do? there is no love that compares to a mothers. AS @Sherri give medication a try. I think people should try everything they can before they decide to ctb. Try seeing a counselor and medication. Some medications need time up to 4-6 weeks to begin to work. It can't help to try. Your children love you even if you feel they don't. Yes, it will affect them. An ipad isn't the same as mom. Have you always felt this way? is it possible to give it more time to try meds and therapy?

Thank you @Sinkinshyp

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Is your issue affecting your role as a mother? How do you get on with them in general? It seems to me questions like this need to be taken into consideration.

Yes I'm a terrible mother. They'd be much much better off without me. I'm not fun or happy. They get nothing from me at all. They love me because I'm their mother. That's about it.

 

[awfullife]

Yes I'm a terrible mother. They'd be much much better off without me. I'm not fun or happy. They get nothing from me at all. They love me because I'm their mother. That's about it.

Well most parents are terrible as we all make mistakes. How long have you been contemplating CTB? All kids love their mom because its their mom. The kids will be fine after divorce. Fuck half the kids in the universe have divorced parents. My divorce fucked me up more than the kids. They don't even remember anymore because they were so young. Just think about reaching out to some people on here. Feel free to PM if interested. Best.

 

[Intotheflames]

Yes I'm a terrible mother. They'd be much much better off without me. I'm not fun or happy. They get nothing from me at all. They love me because I'm their mother. That's about it.

If the worst you can think of is "not fun or happy" then it's actually good. There are parents on this thread provide good advice, you may wanna give it a try.

As someone with not so good upbringing, my concerns for the children was whether a parent would take their frustrations out on the kids psychologically or psychically, as my parents did. I understand even a parent's love is not guaranteed, like all kinds of love, it can't be forced, and sometimes it's just not enough. I personally made peace with that.

Only you know what you truly feel about your life. Having said that, my unsolicited suggestion is, since you are sitting on fence (and it's perfectly fine, take as much time as you need), maybe give life a chance in the meanwhile.

 

[Miss_Takes]

I am really sorry that you are feeling so low and that suicide is an option.
Your opening statement was in regards to not being ready to suicide and looking for a reason to go on.
You have two very good reasons. I suspect there is a significant other level to your pain and reasoning here that you havent shared and thats ok.
I am a parent also but my daughter is an adult. As ive said in another thread I have never myself been in a position to seriously consider suicide while she was a child. I can only imagine the pain that could cause suicide to be an option in that circumstance so there is no judgement here.
I do have to question your stated decision not to try meds because you dont think they would work however. Noone can predict whether they will or not but not to at least try when you have young children seems a mistake .... but I am not living your pain.
Children are resilient, yes, to a degree dependent on their immediate environment and the people who love and support them. But when people say 'kids get over it ... theyre resilient' often all that means is that they will cope.
'Coping' is very different to 'resilience'.
Resilience is the strong foundation of a sturdy wall. Coping is what the wall does when bad weather hits it. The wall may still stand but the weather slowly degrades it and it is never as strong again ... until it eventually falls over.
For me its an important distinction to make.
Despair can often make us feel unworthy, unimportant and inconsequential but we are never that to our children ... even when we are in pain.
I respect your right to choose what action to take with the life only you are living but I urge you to seek external support until you can truly say 'I have done all I can'.
This community can be a wonderful place to find support, friendship and information on recovery if you choose to.
No matter what you decide please know that you are seen and heard in this community without judgement amd that there are many who will take the time to offer support.

From my heart to yours.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I feel your pain. I barely feel inclined to make a decision one way or another so I am sat here wishing every day that something would happen to just force me to act and stop me from stagnating. Sadly relying on this is a terrible idea as oftentimes nothing happens. This is just gonna be a hard process of getting to know yourself and your intentions so that you can form a decision in the end.