Venting i want to do something terrible to myself so someone understands the pain i'm in

[monetpompo]

i'm really sorry that i've been making so many posts over the last few days. i keep finding it hard to breathe and i don't know where to put my feelings. i just seem to make the people in my life stressed when i talk about how i feel.
♥​

the thoughts are getting worse. they are getting bad. i barely slept tonight. i just kept on waking up. i hardly want to live. i know it would be better to ctb rather than mutilate myself, but i'm worried i'll just half ass my ctb and never find the courage to do it. it would be awful to break one of my bones or start stabbing myself in the stomach, but i don't know how to make my thoughts stop. i'm so consumed by them it's pathetic. my head keeps spinning with the idea that if i just died, all my pain would stop and all the people i'm making worried about me by bringing up suicide over and over will never have to be worried again because i'll finally be dead. i don't want people to be worried because they can't help me and i'm tossing and turning in my bed every night because i'm afraid of being alive and alone.

i don't want to be taken to the psych ward, i want to go to the hospital because i'm injured. i don't want to be forced to take antipsychotics that they'll just take me off of and then be thrown out of the hospital because i'm too sedated to be seen as a threat anymore. i want to be somewhere warm where people care about me, and people can visit me and tell me that they like me because they can finally grasp that i'm suffering. i feel so awful. i feel so awful and i don't know what to do and no one can help me.

this isn't what living is. living isn't laying in bed and not showering or eating or moving. i feel mortified that this is what my life has come to and all i can do is watch it happen like i want to keep acting like this. i can't seem to think beyond the next second. i forget that yesterday happened. i forget that i even have a personality beyond my depression. it's all too much and i'm so afraid. i feel like i can't even talk to people on sasu because i feel too caught up in my own thoughts to hold a conversation. i used to be a good person, a funny person that would smile and be liked by others, but everything has gone wrong now and i'm worried that my brain is turning into porridge.

 

[liquid jen]

Don't feel bad about all the posts, it's been nice seeing you around.

I feel the same urges mentioned in the title, but ideally you shouldn't do that. Any attempt at severely hurting yourself could just end up increasing your suffering, and possibly debilitating you. No matter how overwhelming that swarm of thoughts gets.

i forget that i even have a personality beyond my depression.

Genuinely so relatable.

 

[monetpompo]

Don't feel bad about all the posts, it's been nice seeing you around.

i deleted a few posts in between me making new posts. i just feel self conscious that i want to connect with people so badly. i showered, drank some water, went outside, still feel super ass and incredibly lonely. i really really do hate the person i've become and how loneliness just makes me feel twisted up inside, like i don't even feel human because no one wants me. even then, isn't wanting to be wanted also pathetic?

it just spins and spins and i don't know what to do with myself because i'm too tired to unravel how i feel at all. i don't want to make people tired of me by being honest with them and saying that i seriously, really, actually have no will to live but i'm still here because i haven't gone all the way. your asuka(?) profile picture is really cute. i watched evangelion a few days ago and i really liked it. i knew a girl on here used to have an asuka profile picture too, but it was a screencap from the anime.

i forget that i even have a personality beyond my depression.

the worst thing about depression is that it's all-consuming. it will literally consume everything i love until all i want to do is hide under my covers or jump off a bridge/hang/whatever. i feel bewildered at the thought that i could stand to live another day when i have these thoughts every night, but i'm alive since dying isn't so easy. it's psychological torture to live in this state, since you desperately want to be one or the other instead of be stuck reliving all your memories instead. for some reason, i want to be 18 again. i desperately wanted to be older, but there was nothing wrong with me staying the same. i wish i could believe in myself the way i used to back then, even if i was still severely depressed.