I want to die peacefully, but i feel guilty about leaving my mom alone...any advice?

[Darkdreamer001]

I want to go ahead and purchase nembutal to take my life. I'm 30yrs old and tried to stay around for my mom because she raised me by herself and I want to be there for her when she gets old and I don't want her to be lonely and possibly be depressed herself. I feel guilty for even thinking of leaving her because she didn't abandon me. I honestly don't know what to do because everyday I take an emotional beating from people, but I try to stay strong but it's eating a whole through me. I have no husband or kids. I've always wanted love but love doesn't seem to want me. I love my mom and she's all I have but sometimes it ain't enough. I just need love and positive friends in my life but its impossible to find.

 

[DreamCatcher]

If you died in an accident she'd be alone, a thousand things could do that. And however it ended up if you weren't here she'd go on regardless. Sounds like you're rationalizing not wanting to CTB and that's fine too, maybe you should try life a little bit more and see if you can make it work.

If you're serious about wanting to CTB then you need to start getting rid of your reasons and excuses, even the little ones will hold you here, and a caring parent is a difficult reason to ignore. Sadly there is no middle ground. If you can't get past those mental hurdles keeping you from CTB then there isn't much you or anyone else can help with.

Best of luck and I hope you find peace.

 

[Throwaway9787]

Stay alive for her. Wait till she passes.

 

[Darkdreamer001]

Stay alive for her. Wait till she passes.

That's probably what I'll do... I love her too much to leave her. She faught for me and there's a part of me that wants to fight for her. I feel like I'm going crazy with all the stress but I'm trying to make the best if it because I know that things could be worse. If I manage to stay here until she passes I'll definitely will be surprised...but I'll definitely will pass shortly after and have zero guilt. In the meantime I'll try to love myself and others and be a light in the darkness. I still struggle with negative thoughts and feelings. I don't want to get hooked on drugs ( antidepressants). There's gotta be something I can do to be positive .

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I wish you the best. I struggle with leaving my parents behind. Every day I hate it here more. (I didn't think that was possible)
I know friends will be ok after a while. It probably won't even take that long and they will go on with their lives.
I'm not on any anti-depressants, it won't cure being stupid and being poor.

 

[Darkdreamer001]

I wish you the best. I struggle with leaving my parents behind. Every day I hate it here more. (I didn't think that was possible)
I know friends will be ok after a while. It probably won't even take that long and they will go on with their lives.
I'm not on any anti-depressants, it won't cure being stupid and being poor.

That's what scares me...even though it's a fight everyday...I get tired of fighting to live. I don't expect life to be fun all the time but life shouldn't be this stressful. I fear one day I'll just give up and try to take my own life and probably rush and not even do it right and be alive and paralyzed. I hope one day I'll get married and possibly start a family and help those that struggle with depression. I hope anyways...Thanks for the hugs and I hope life brings you happiness and if you find yourself still in the pit and want out, I hope that help comes.

 

[Readytogo805]

Please don't do that to her. I can totally relate to you because I love my mom and me leaving would destroy her. The only difference is at least she wouldn't be alone I have my father and brothers to look out for her but just thinking of her being completely devastated breaks my heart which is making me even more depressed. Fuck this mental disease.

 

[Lookingforabus]

There's never a good time to leave loved ones behind. I hung on for a couple decades of trying to before I finally figured out I won't be able to even outlive my folks... another 20 years, give or take, will be at least 50 years longer than I've wanted to live, and there's just no chance of that happening anyway.

Don't know if it's helpful or not, but I figure the right thing to do is to hang on as long as you can in order to be there for those that love you... but that might mean you can't hold on quite long enough. Such is life.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I really feel like trudging on through mental torture for an indefinite amount of time out of pure guilt and obligation can't possibly be the right answer. For me, I just hope that my family will be able to view it as a product of a disease or anti depressant medication. Do I think that'd be the truth? No, but I think it'd help them cope. And the truth is too murky and difficult to explain—they wouldn't understand my preference for death or my disenchantment with life

 

[wendydong1]

i am kind of in the same boat. I am a single kid, both parents love me. And i have a dog that depend on me.

My plan has always been wait out my parents and my dog. my dad is in his early 80s, and my mom is in her early 70s, my dog is 14 years old. I thought 10 more years really...

but recently, i just can't take it anymore. I just want out. I think when u r depressed enough and can't take it anymore, u just say fuck it

 

[Darkdreamer001]

i am kind of in the same boat. I am a single kid, both parents love me. And i have a dog that depend on me.

My plan has always been wait out my parents and my dog. my dad is in his early 80s, and my mom is in her early 70s, my dog is 14 years old. I thought 10 more years really...

but recently, i just can't take it anymore. I just want out. I think when u r depressed enough and can't take it anymore, u just say fuck it

I was thinking about 10-15 more years also. I just hope I can hold out that long. It may not sound long to some but when you've been suffering for so long and it shows no signs of stopping...you can't help but to want to end it all.

 

[Lookingforabus]

I was thinking about 10-15 more years also. I just hope I can hold out that long. It may not sound long to some but when you've been suffering for so long and it shows no signs of stopping...you can't help but to want to end it all.

That's what I did 13 years ago. If I'd known then what I know now...

Well, best of luck to you in any event.

 

[Rocksandsand]

@Darkdreamer001 you mentioned being concerned about getting hooked on antidepressants... Antidepressants completely cure some people, and it's probably worth trying. They aren't an addictive medication

 

[Emily123]

I have the same feeling . My Mom will cry a lot after she realized that I am death . I don't care anymore . I suffer everyday and I just want to finish it

 

[wildmoon]

I struggle with that, also and I am a grown woman. The thought of hurting her is what holds me back most of the time, and her health is very poor and she is in a tough situation already without me adding to it.
The thought of carrying on like this is excruciating also, too. So it's a tough one.
I wish you all the best

 

[Darkdreamer001]

I struggle with that, also and I am a grown woman. The thought of hurting her is what holds me back most of the time, and her health is very poor and she is in a tough situation already without me adding to it.
The thought of carrying on like this is excruciating also, too. So it's a tough one.
I wish you all the best

Thanks your reply means a lot. I hope you find peace and your mom's health gets better.

 

[woxihuanni]

Same here, but I am buying my preferred poison anyway. If I cannot take it anymore, then I cannot.

What I cannot say to anyone is that parents who will suffer and probably have a stroke when I am gone are a good part of the reason why my life did not work out. They are sorry now, but fat load of help that is.

 

[AbandonedStudio]

I have the same problem. I've a single mother who loves me very dearly and with my brother in France I would leave her totally alone when I ctb

 

[JimFord99]

You see, at one point you really have to be selfish and just being you, it is the one thing and the one decission and the one deed only you do. No hinderance, no attachments, no commitments. Yes, sounds hard, but if you really determined to do it, go and do it. If you have second thoughts or any what's and ifs, then I suggest don't do it. Harsh said, but simply said.