Venting I want to die but there is nothing wrong with my life.

[doireallywannadie]

Ever since i was 12, I started cutting myself and really enjoying it. I'm clean for about 6 months now. However, whenever something slightly goes wrong in my life, like getting bad grades, being in embarrassing situations, or seeing prettier or skinnier girls than me, I get the urge to cut all the time. I guess it never goes away for anyone that has struggled w it before. But despite these things, my life is great. My parents are caring, although I am a bit scared of my mom cuz she hits hard, we live in a great apartment, we travel every year, have great friends, I have everything someone could wish for. But i always just had this feeling in the back of my head that i don't belong here and i don't deserve the things I have at all. I guess the thing I struggle with the most is my outer appearance and my grades. The fear of getting bad grades and disappointing my parents when they give everything they have to keep me happy. I can't even do anything, I'm so tired of being stupid. I used to be so smart. My appearance also keeps me up at night a lot. I was always a chubby kid and relatives and friends would always comment on my weight and that I would look so much better if I was skinnier. It also didn't help that i used to stress eat, I mean I still do now but I think way less. Maybe bc of other peoples comments, or just seeing all my friends be smaller than me, I developed an eating disorder and I didn't even notice. I honestly thought it was great, I would definitely go back but I don't want my parents to worry.

Honestly, reading back, it just seems I create problems for myself and then get upset about it. Something is wrong with me and I don't know what. It is very selfish of me want to commit suicide when other people so obviously struggle more than me. They are all fighting their biggest battles while I'm here fighting the fucking air. I just hate myself so freaking much. I'm the reason I'm like this and this all could've been prevented if I just tried a little more. I just want to start over and be a better person.