Venting I want to die but I don’t want to kill myself

[43721]

I want to die every day of my life.When I wake up,my first thought is "oh shit,not again".I've tried to kill myself in the past by inhaling solvents when I was a teenager,I've spent years researching methods,but I don't want to have to kill myself.I want to just be dead already or to have never been born in the first place.Why do I have to end my life when I shouldn't have even been born?How is it fair that I have to spend the rest of my life with anxiety,depression,suicidal thoughts and struggling just to do the basic things to keep myself alive,just because my parents decided that they wanted to bring life into this fucked up world.Now I'm an adult and responsible for my own life apparently.I've never even felt like a person.I feel like a ghost,like my only purpose is to watch other people live and wonder why I can't be like them.I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic,and I've lived an extremely isolated life,I have no family besides my parents,never been in a relationship,I have no friends,and now I'm realising that when I thought life would never get better,I was right.I should have tried harder to commit suicide when I was younger,now I'm an adult,I'm much less impulsive and I think too much and talk myself out of it all the time.I'm scared that I will try to lull myself and I will be left brain damaged or paralysed and have to live like that for the rest of my life.I know it sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself,maybe I am,but I just wish that I didn't have to kill myself,I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up.

 

[Hollowman]

Me too.

 

[Lawliet]

I want to die every day of my life.When I wake up,my first thought is "oh shit,not again".I've tried to kill myself in the past by inhaling solvents when I was a teenager,I've spent years researching methods,but I don't want to have to kill myself.I want to just be dead already or to have never been born in the first place.Why do I have to end my life when I shouldn't have even been born?How is it fair that I have to spend the rest of my life with anxiety,depression,suicidal thoughts and struggling just to do the basic things to keep myself alive,just because my parents decided that they wanted to bring life into this fucked up world.Now I'm an adult and responsible for my own life apparently.I've never even felt like a person.I feel like a ghost,like my only purpose is to watch other people live and wonder why I can't be like them.I'm pretty sure that I'm autistic,and I've lived an extremely isolated life,I have no family besides my parents,never been in a relationship,I have no friends,and now I'm realising that when I thought life would never get better,I was right.I should have tried harder to commit suicide when I was younger,now I'm an adult,I'm much less impulsive and I think too much and talk myself out of it all the time.I'm scared that I will try to lull myself and I will be left brain damaged or paralysed and have to live like that for the rest of my life.I know it sounds like I'm just feeling sorry for myself,maybe I am,but I just wish that I didn't have to kill myself,I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake u

i absolutely feel for you, what you've described is how i have been feeling for such a long time. i don't think it sounds like you feel sorry for yourself, you have really legitimate concerns. being burdened with life is one of the worst things possible. i didn't ask for this, and neither did you. i'm really sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. All that I want and have ever really wanted is to be permanently free from this world and not have to experience life anymore, yet I don't want to have to go through any dying process or research methods, to me it's all just so difficult and complicated and of course there is the fear of failing which is the main thing that has held me back. I do believe that it would be ideal if the more peaceful methods like N are easily accessible for us.
But life is such a terrible concept. We are forced here and expected to endure lives filled with endless problems, there is too much unnecessary suffering in this world, existing is very pointless, yet is so painful for many people. I wish you the best.