I want to die but I don't want to die

[justfloating]

I've been having suicidal urges for the past few months which has lead to two attempts, but I've had suicidal ideation my whole life.

Literally last night I was writing one of my suicide notes, explaining what I want to happen after my death, and writing plans for a funeral. For a while I have said that I am going to CTB after I am able to have one last conversation with a certain someone, and then thats it I'm gone. Now, after a really good day, I'm starting to consider what will happen if I don't CTB. I don't want the life I'm going to have but I don't think it'll be enough to push me over the edge. Knowing my luck things will come crashing down soon enough, but I had come to accept death (I'm still afraid) and now I don't know how to live with a future ahead of me.

I don't know if you get what I mean, but do any of you guys worry about living because you don't even attempt

 

[Lostandfound7]

I don't want the life I'm going to have but I don't think it'll be enough to push me over the edge.

Hey hun. This part really stuck out to me. Is there anything u can do to try to alter the course of ur life? New job, career, education, relationships?

Asking cuz I don't know ur circumstances or what brought u here..

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

Then why not join me and possibly other SanctionedSuicide members to run away into the wilderness and start a new society society there?

 

[oopswronglife]

Then why not join me and possibly other SanctionedSuicide members to run away into the wilderness and start a new society society there?

There won't be any kool-aid or kool-aid type drinks will there? Or maybe there WILL be? And why does these things always happen in the wilderness? I am a city person and hate the country. Can we get an urban cult going?

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

There won't be any kool-aid or kool-aid type drinks will there? Or maybe there WILL be? And why does these things always happen in the wilderness? I am a city person and hate the country. Can we get an urban cult going?

Could always go into the city and go for supply runs. They happen in the wilderness because there are police officers and government officials in cities that destroy your life if you don't follow their rules.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

If you had a good day and it made you reconsider I think there's a good chance you could turn things around. There will be bad days in between, probably lots, but if you're able to hold on it might actually work. I was very suicidal when I was in my 20's, but somehow I turned things around. Of course now my life is in shambles and that's why I'm here and there's no possible way for me to fix my future but that doesn't mean the same will happen to you.

 

[faust]

Hello,
The worst part of everything is that I am more afraid of continuing living rather than dying.
There are lots of reasons, but my life will just become unbearable soon. It is hard now, but soon will be a disaster.
Plus I cannot live a life which I want if I choose recovery.
If I decide to live a life which I want, they will freeze all of my bank accounts and I won't be able to go to any other country.
So... I cannot even choose recovery. Not because my choice is to die, but I simply can't even if I wanted to.
I am sorry suicide ideation became a part of your life and I know it is hard to turn your life upside-down.
I hope everything gets better for you, although it is not an easy path...

 

[Ghost2211]

Embrace the good days. I have them sometimes too. When you have a hard day try to remember that good days can happen. I'm here if you need a friend.

 

[Cherrybreeze]

This is a good way to describe how I feel. The way my life has gone up to now, the life I want and had hoped for is impossible. Truly impossible. I don't want to suffer through it, I've been suffering long enough. I think with dying, what I'm afraid of is the not knowing what will happen afterwards, with my family, etc. I love them, and it's not that I WANT to leave them. It's that I want to leave ME. And this is the only way.

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

If only there was a way to be dead without dying