I want to die attractive

[schopenh]

I guess when I write a post here I'm just wanting to leave behind some record of the individual ideas/behaviours of a person going through suicidal ideation and planning. I definitely don't think this needs sympathy or anything. It's just curious how the brain works.

Throughout most my life I was always considered very conventionally handsome. I liked the person I saw in the mirror as well and never suffered any dismorphia or anything. So it was a good situation for me in that regard. If it's vanity by definition then sure, I don't mind. I was happy with how I looked and I think most others were lol

Then I got hit with very debilitating pain three years ago. I was bed bound for ten months. Then after an operation; housebound (but I could sit and stand again with normal tolerance). I was left with unceasing neuropathic pain. Recovering wasn't happening so I tried oral corticosteroids. They didn't help and I gained a lot of weight, plus I was losing all of the muscle mass I had, which was a decent amount as I worked out and exercised a lot prior to the illness.

I still looked not too bad last summer but by March this year I was looking pretty garbage. Not just weight gain but also moon face from the steroids.

I had been planning my exit long before this, however. But the plan really became solidified this year. But I really didn't want to be found looking like this :-/ I genuinely want to look good in the casket/for the wake. And I also want to stick around for 1-2 final months of me looking good again so I'm remembered that way by my friends and family.

With that said I've already lost 10kg and a lot of the moon face has gone down. Since I can't exercise it's just been calorie cutting, which is very difficult as food is one of the few things I can get some relative enjoyment out of. I'd say if I lost another 3-4kg I'd be looking pretty good again. Although nothing like three years ago.

So there you go. My survival instinct has manifested as a drive to get 'attractive' again.

Why did I write this ? I don't know. I can't express these thoughts literally anywhere else. Maybe somebody enjoyed reading it. Have a nice day.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I sympathise greatly with your issues. People say not to focus too much on looks and to do so is being "shallow" or "vain", but the truth is everyone wants to look good and people judge others based on how they look, intentionally or not. Like most of our primate cousins, humans are intensely visual creatures so this is no surprise. I used to be a lot more attractive in high school and now I'm just average. The decline was painful and I still resent it. As well, we all have ageing to look forward to, which robs us of our beauty, if we were lucky enough to have had any to begin with. Some people really aren't concerned about how they look and how ageing will change their appearance, and I honestly envy them, because I agonise over it.

 

[rt1989526]

Here I am just wanting to die. Lol

I can sympathize somewhat with your plight, I had major body dysmorphic disorder as a teen. To the point where I wouldn't date or pursue women because I felt inadequate. Alot has changed since then... For the worse.

 

[Nymph]

I know it might seem like it matters a lot now but when you die you'll be dead and have no thoughts. None of that will matter. You can also be cremated so there won't be anything left. If making yourself look better brings you motivation, then maybe after you get yourself to your goal you won't feel like wanting to ctb.

 

[schopenh]

I know it might seem like it matters a lot now but when you die you'll be dead and have no thoughts. None of that will matter. You can also be cremated so there won't be anything left. If making yourself look better brings you motivation, then maybe after you get yourself to your goal you won't feel like wanting to ctb.

Rationally I understand these things. This is just pure survival instinct, my brain seeking any reason to keep going on. I have lots of life goals unfortunately, none give a life with very severe neuropathic pain much meaning.

 

[Meditation guide]

This is just pure survival instinct, my brain seeking any reason to keep going on. I have lots of life goals unfortunately, none give a life with very severe neuropathic pain much meaning.

I'm glad you see this for the SI that it is. I have similar tricks my mind plays on me too but it's more like you won't see a sunset again or the ocean again type things. The mind is tricky. Best to just let those thoughts float by, watch them but not take them seriously.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

My most recent depressive episode has caused me to gain an exceptional amount of weight. I'm the largest I've ever been in my life and that bothers me. I wish I could go out with the body I always wanted, but alas.

I've requested to be cremated and not have my body on display at the funeral — just my ashes. I didn't make that decision because of my appearance, but I do prefer the idea of no one looking at my body in the casket.

 

[woxihuanni]

Understandable. I lost a lot of weight because of torture, and don't like the idea of my body not looking as if it'd fetch five pennies in the meat market.

 

[lost guy]

I will make sure I get a haircut and wear some nice clothes.

 

[Escargot Shorts]

I wonder if anyone's ever been buried in a clown outfit, and this posits there's like a skeleton dressed as a clown somewhere.

 

[Sarahlynn]

Soo, totally unrelated to your actual question, but as you have neuropathic pain, have you tried gabapentin? That might help you out, and you would avoid the "steroid look".

 

[schopenh]

I will make sure I get a haircut and wear some nice clothes.

Same here!

 

[BPD Barbie]

All I plan to do is my hair and makeup but I'll probably wear comfy clothes like joggers or something and a hoodie. As for how I look in general, there isnt enough time to lose weight and stuff like that. It's not gonna matter anyway in the grand scheme of things in my opinion, just want my initial discovery to not be gruesome.