comeoutandhauntme
all that i can, i will do <3
- Feb 10, 2026
- 25
it's been a month since one of my friends and coworkers shot himself. we weren't extraordinarily close but we would talk and had lots of mutual friends from work.
i saw the effect suicide can have on people. i saw how sad his close friends were. the funeral was gut wrenching. i saw his family cry and wish they had their son back.
and it's not enough. it's not enough for me to stop feeling this way. in the past month i have only wanted to ctb more than ever before. i just feel so
guilty.
lots of his friends are also mine. 3 of them are my best friends, and they in particular would probably be even more impacted by me dying than they were him bc of how close we are. this sounds awful to say, and i don't mean to minimize his death or to make it some twisted competition. i just mean objectively. i saw how affected everyone was. as much as my brain often tries to convince me otherwise, i know that at least, these friends love me and they would miss me. i saw it when he died and so i know it'd be similar if i did, or worse.i know all this but i still want to ctb.
to my friends, if you were to somehow ever see this (which i doubt), i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i feel so guilty for seeing how much it can affect loved ones firsthand, me included, and yet i still want to do it more than ever. i'm sorry to die so soon after him, in such a similar way. i'm sorry him dying wasn't enough for me to get myself help or to open up to one of you or at least someone. i know how awful it'll be for everyone and you'll miss me and i'll miss you but i still have never wanted to die more than i do right now and i just feel so guilty.
and to B, we miss you every day. every day. you had such a better life to live and a brighter future ahead of you than i ever did and i constantly regret not having done it first in the hopes that maybe it would have made you change your mind, even though it didn't change mine. i hope you found your peace. i hope i find mine and can see you soon
i saw the effect suicide can have on people. i saw how sad his close friends were. the funeral was gut wrenching. i saw his family cry and wish they had their son back.
and it's not enough. it's not enough for me to stop feeling this way. in the past month i have only wanted to ctb more than ever before. i just feel so
guilty.
lots of his friends are also mine. 3 of them are my best friends, and they in particular would probably be even more impacted by me dying than they were him bc of how close we are. this sounds awful to say, and i don't mean to minimize his death or to make it some twisted competition. i just mean objectively. i saw how affected everyone was. as much as my brain often tries to convince me otherwise, i know that at least, these friends love me and they would miss me. i saw it when he died and so i know it'd be similar if i did, or worse.i know all this but i still want to ctb.
to my friends, if you were to somehow ever see this (which i doubt), i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i feel so guilty for seeing how much it can affect loved ones firsthand, me included, and yet i still want to do it more than ever. i'm sorry to die so soon after him, in such a similar way. i'm sorry him dying wasn't enough for me to get myself help or to open up to one of you or at least someone. i know how awful it'll be for everyone and you'll miss me and i'll miss you but i still have never wanted to die more than i do right now and i just feel so guilty.
and to B, we miss you every day. every day. you had such a better life to live and a brighter future ahead of you than i ever did and i constantly regret not having done it first in the hopes that maybe it would have made you change your mind, even though it didn't change mine. i hope you found your peace. i hope i find mine and can see you soon
