Venting I want to die 95% of the day

[HopefulSleep]

I wake up, go to my pc, waste my time with games and cartoons that don't make fun anymore, have a panic attack in between, don't go out cause of social anxiety, eat some food, hesitate to ctb cause I have nothing available right now cause I don't have money or a proper plan, then later go to bed and have trouble sleeping and then have the same painful day again.
Noone cares about me, In nearly every year I was in school I got bullied, half of my family is dead, I have anxiety disorder and severe depression, it is just too much for me every year it gets worse I just want to sleep.
My favorite Cartoons are adventure time and gravity falls, I loved them as a child but when I watch them now I just sit there like a living corpse, no joy at all, the same with games I liked in the past, I can play my favorite games like ocarina of time or the binding of isaac but no joy, just like a corpse I sit there and hope that it would give me joy.
Everyday I hope that this is a nightmare and I wake up and realize that I never got abused and that my family members are all still alive but if I am realistically that is bullshit and I will feel pain until I can finally ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's true that there is too much suffering in existence and I understand that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse, it does sound really tiring what you have to endure but anyway I wish you the best. It's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

 

[HopefulSleep]

It's true that there is too much suffering in existence and I understand that it's awful when existing just continues to get worse, it does sound really tiring what you have to endure but anyway I wish you the best. It's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.

I just want to sleep all the time but it is sadly not possible to do this without ctb'ing

 

[Georg]

Damn! Reading this makes makes me angry. It's really insane how unfair this fuckin world, especially when you see how some of these bullies later have a family and a decent job. And then ppl cry after a mass shootings at school. "How could this happened ????"
Yeah.
Always remember, your suffering is not forever!
Best!

 

[HopefulSleep]

Damn! Reading this makes makes me angry. It's really insane how unfair this fuckin world, especially when you see how some of these bullies later have a family and a decent job.

When my father died they made fun of me for that.
In another post I also wrote something else they did that hurt me.
I am generally easy to manipulate cause I am autistic and don't understand basic social things.
They also did much worse things that I won't write which I wish them to die for if I am honest.

And then ppl cry after a mass shootings at school. "How could this happened ????"

What they did to me was worse than death in my opinion.

Always remember, your suffering is not forever!

It is until I die, noone loves me.

 

[Georg]

It is until I die, noone loves me.

Same

 

[todienomore]

try starting your day with a walk, not screens. dont get on screens until the afternoon. you also might research nutritional treatments for autism.

this guy kinda came to mind, ive only watched one of his videos but he mentioned being severely abused as a child. just talks about basic motivational stuff, seems genuine https://www.youtube.com/@BedrosKeuilian/videos

 

[HopefulSleep]

try starting your day with a walk, not screens.

I hate it to go outside, I have social anxiety and my pc is better at distracting me from pain.

you also might research nutritional treatments for autism.

Autism isn't curable and the worst problem I have from it is that others can use me easily.

this guy kinda came to mind, ive only watched one of his videos but he mentioned being severely abused as a child. just talks about basic motivational stuff, seems genuine

People like him need years to feel joy again and then it is less than it was when they didn't realize how they got hurt so it is pointless, I am just going to chase the dragon but not even as a drug addict, I just want the feeling I had before, fucking depressing.

 

[pickajack]

I'm sorry people were so cruel to you. You sound like a lovely person. I hope you find something today to ease your pain and give you a few moments of relaxation and/or enjoyment.

 

[todienomore]

As someone with similar issues, its ultimately your choice to go in circles or not. You can work you way out of it. First you have to stop doing the things that you admit make you unhappy. Just stop overthinking everything and break the cycle with action. Sunlight is key to normal brain function on a lot of levels. You will naturally feel like shit if you live in a cave and subject yourself to electronic sensory deprivation. Most people are shitty but they arent all the same. Eventually you will find good people. You are still young and you have time to fix your brain.

 

[persuasion]

It sucks to live in a society which you despise but which you can't escape due to being depending on it and also social instinct. It's ingrained in our perception of the things around us that we long for the appreciation of others without which we can't live freely and happily while at the same time we can't be ourselves when others are immediately around because they cause feelings of danger or at least being uncomfortable and stressed out.

 

[OceanBlue]

Sunlight is key to normal brain function on a lot of levels
Most people are shitty but they arent all the same. Eventually you will find good people.

You don't understand social anxiety.

 

[SilentSadness]

I also think about suicide for the large majority of the day. It's disgusting how we are wilfully blocked from the right to die, especially by people that delusional. But I guess as we're in hell it's only fitting that we should be forced to suffer for years or decades longer. I also find almost no joy in anything and find it insensitive when others belittle me for it. As for the person sharing useless platitudes above, be advised that your advice is a waste of time.

 

[HopefulSleep]

Just stop overthinking everything and break the cycle with action. Sunlight is key to normal brain function on a lot of levels. You will naturally feel like shit if you live in a cave and subject yourself to electronic sensory deprivation. Most people are shitty but they arent all the same. Eventually you will find good people. You are still young and you have time to fix your brain.

I don't think sunlight will make me forget abuse or make my dead loved ones alive.
It is true that I started getting depressed when I skipped school as a child and had no social contact, but I don't know if depression or anxiety is worse.
I want to live a normal life instead of having to fix my brain tho.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

half of my family is dead,

God I wish that was me

Then again I would have to deal with all their debts and their relatives so I bet it wouldn't be as good as I imagine

 

[todienomore]

I've suffered through more years of it than he has been alive, so in a way you are correct, I havent actually unraveled my own. If there were not a physiological basis for what he is dealing with, then destroying his physical body would not be a possible solution. Psychology is a useful system on some level but its also a pseudoscience. Its a fucking grift, thats why they 'prescribe' endess therapy and addictive/toxic pharma. Why they ultimately protect abusers. They will never tell you that circadian health, morning sunbathing is the greatest determinant in your neurotransmitter levels, including even melatonin. Your light diet is as critical is as your food. He will never begin to heal while doom scrolling in a low dopamine spiral on a led strobe light brick in a cave.

There is also arguably nothing to 'understand' about anxiety, its a breakdown of homeostasis, the system is just overheated/fried. If a benzo or opiate can completely turn such a state of mind around, why not understand how to get the same results at a fundamental,sustainable level?

 

[HopefulSleep]

I've suffered through more years of it than he has been alive, so in a way you are correct, I havent actually unraveled my own. If there were not a physiological basis for what he is dealing with, then destroying his physical body would not be a possible solution. Psychology is a useful system on some level but its also a pseudoscience. Its a fucking grift, thats why they 'prescribe' endess therapy and addictive/toxic pharma. Why they ultimately protect abusers. They will never tell you that circadian health, morning sunbathing is the greatest determinant in your neurotransmitter levels, including even melatonin. Your light diet is as critical is as your food. He will never begin to heal while doom scrolling in a low dopamine spiral on a led strobe light brick in a cave.

There is also arguably nothing to 'understand' about anxiety, its a breakdown of homeostasis, the system is just overheated/fried. If a benzo or opiate can completely turn such a state of mind around, why not understand how to get the same results at a fundamental,sustainable level?

Why are you talking in third person instead of second person?
Nothing will fix the base problem anyway.