Venting I want to CTB today but ...

[Praestat_Mori]

I want to CTB today because things rapidly changed to the worst, to a point of no return. I'm so close to the edge of the event horizon of the black hole. If I don't do it today, it'll become much more difficult because then I'm not alone anymore for quite some time. The persisting life problems and daily agony will stay and will become worse, there's no hope left.

I prepared everything for the CO method, which I chose to go with long before I found SS. I just have to start with setting up everything. To encourage me I bought more coal before to be really on the safe side.

But my mum will not survive this "shock" and my wife will be the first one to find me. Mainly these two persons make me hesitate somehow. I can't go on living with permanent failures especially regarding business / success / the life I want to live, it's destroying me since years and there is no way out of this downward spiral, at least I don't find one. All attempts failed. There wouldn't be other issues than only that.

Instead of starting preparing the room and the coal I'm writing this thread. Maybe it fails already before it really starts. Even for that I'm to much of a failure. What a shame and agony.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

I'm sorry for your pain. Your care about your loved ones shows you are a good person. It's not failure to care about others and try to make things easier for them. Not doing it today doesn't make it a failure and is nothing to be ashamed of. You can plan better for another time and make sure you minimise the hurt to your loved ones.

 

[Akanea]

Maybe later if you can? Also, If you don't want to do it at home maybe do it in your car, away from home, so your wife will not be the 1st to find you

 

[The anhedonic one]

I want to CTB today because things rapidly changed to the worst, to a point of no return. I'm so close to the edge of the event horizon of the black hole. If I don't do it today, it'll become much more difficult because then I'm not alone anymore for quite some time. The persisting life problems and daily agony will stay and will become worse, there's no hope left.

I prepared everything for the CO method, which I chose to go with long before I found SS. I just have to start with setting up everything. To encourage me I bought more coal before to be really on the safe side.

But my mum will not survive this "shock" and my wife will be the first one to find me. Mainly these two persons make me hesitate somehow. I can't go on living with permanent failures especially regarding business / success / the life I want to live, it's destroying me since years and there is no way out of this downward spiral, at least I don't find one. All attempts failed. There wouldn't be other issues than only that.

Instead of starting preparing the room and the coal I'm writing this thread. Maybe it fails already before it really starts. Even for that I'm to much of a failure. What a shame and agony.

This is a heartbreaking situation. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know it is nothing to do with me, but maybe booking into a hotel alone for a couple of days may help. Taking your CTB setup with you.
This will spare your wife the shock of finding you.
The feeling of being trapped, and the emotional pain of knowing that loved ones are going to be hurt by our actions is unbearable.
But ultimately there comes a time when even the pain of hurting our loved ones will diminish.
After reaching this point, ctb will become easier to accomplish.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

please please ignore the inconsiderate asshole, i have no idea what their motive was but its disgusting. im so sorry youre in this difficult position. youre not a failure, its a very big and difficult decision to make for anyone. especially considering loved ones reactions, its no wonder youre finding it hard. if talking about it on this forum helps you in any way, thats a good thing. there will always be people who can understand and empathise with you. whenever you feel is the absolute right time to go will come eventually. if your questioning it, maybe it isnt the right time. how are you feeling right now?

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be such a painful situation to be trapped in, existence really is so unnecessarily cruel and it's awful how there's no limit as to how much one can suffer in this world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This obviously failed due to worries about the loved ones especially. And perhaps there is still too much hope left that things could change, although I don't think that.

@FuneralCry yes it's painful to be trapped in such a horrible existence where nobody will understand a decision to exit a life that I don't to live any more.

@cgrtt.brns Thanks!!! I reported this disgusting post, hopefully it will be deleted, at least only for the pictures which are disgusting.

I started drinking my favourite beer with 8% Alc. and it will reduce the mental pain for a while.

 

[Vizzy]

This is a heartbreaking situation. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know it is nothing to do with me, but maybe booking into a hotel alone for a couple of days may help. Taking your CTB setup with you.
This will spare your wife the shock of finding you.
The feeling of being trapped, and the emotional pain of knowing that loved ones are going to be hurt by our actions is unbearable.
But ultimately there comes a time when even the pain of hurting our loved ones will diminish.
After reaching this point, ctb will become easier to accomplish.

Op mentioned co as his method, I don't think he can do co in the hotel or motel

Smoke alarm or he gonna get caught by staff members

 

[The anhedonic one]

Op mentioned co as his method, I don't think he can do co in the hotel or motel

Smoke alarm or he gonna get caught by staff members

Oh, I never thought of that.
I'm a dumbfuck .

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Oh, I never thought of that.
I'm a dumbfuck .

No. Prob. Although it's about exiting here we are here to learn :-)