Discussion i want to ctb so fucking bad but i feel bad for my mom

[mbvlover32]

ive been lurking this forum for approx 2 months, specifically this sub forum. before i begin my little vent, i just want to say that i want to thank you guys for providing me warmth behind my screen :). i feel so connected with what you guys say to the point where i actually feel like im gaining empathy from a loved one. anyways, lets begin this little session.

im a shitty autist student from canada who is about to go through my 4th year of schooling. ever since the 3rd year, the repetition and the constant fuckery makes me so tired to the point where i just want to fucking sleep and never wake up.

the main reasons on why i want to ctb include:
-shit grades that will get me either nowhere or a shitty middle class job that endures the repetition of adulthood which i fear with all my heart
-autism (high functioning) that makes me look like a loser who cant read facial expressions
-loneliness (shitty friends and no siblings)
-mass rejection by two women who i have loved (my reputation has been ruined due to this) which makes me scared that i won't have a partner in the future

as of right now, i am currently on summer vacation, so my mental has definitely improved, but its sure as shit that time flies by real soon so i won't have a fucking second to enjoy my shit.

now if my 4th year goes really bad and my grades flunk (uni's look at these grades carefully), i plan on ctb'ing via SN

however, the only reason that makes me actually discouraged from my plan is the fact how i feel bad for my mom

she has had 4 miscarriages and she has told me over and over again that i am a miracle.

although her mental isn't all there due to personal reasons, i still love her to death and i feel like i'd scar her if i leave her.

anyways, to all my fellow sasu people, do you guys have anything related that you'd like to share; anything that is potentially stopping you from ctb'ing?



thx for stopping and reading a random's little post. i love u guys!

 

[fadedroses]

i'm still here for the same reason. my mom already has mental health struggles from past traumatic events, she would be absolutely devastated if i were to ctb she would totally be emotionally tortured to find out i committed suicide and i cant deal with the thought of putting her through that. i love her so much, shes one of the only reasons that im still here

 

[syrup ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ]

I want to say I empathize greatly with your circumstances, trapped in a dilemma where the future nor the escape from it seems desirable. My parents fought a lot and I hated them for it, but I love my dear mother and I wouldn't be here if not for her. I can't fully comprehend your situation, but I want to try and make a few suggestions/ inquiries to you.

I want to ask you for the possibility of whether there is something more to the only reason why you haven't ctb'd. Anything that you remotely (and potentially wrongfully) suspect would bring you hope one day?

My readings might not be up-to-date, but loneliness is the pain that is evolved in all gregarious animals as punishment for not being 'gregarious', as that is the survival strategy our biology has adopted. However, if you live anywhere marginally urban, you will realize that your bond to your community has fundamentally become non essential to your survival, and thus this emotion is allowed to manifest as a deviation towards hopelessness from the purpose of why it was evolved. An alcoholic acquaintance of mine works on the logistics of a trading business, with a work hour of about 50 per week. He often complains about the dull working environment (he sends emails all day, everyday) and just the absolute tedious amount of work, yet his steam profile states he plays about 110 hours of counter strike per two weeks. The point here is he has no survival drive to make amends, there is no need for him to socialize, if he is hungry he can just use uber eats. This, my friend, is my personal experience on why adult life often becomes lonely and repetitive as you might fear so much, all of my friends are like this.

The future sounds shit because we are bound by menial tasks, but the deviation towards degeneracy suggests a possible deviation towards rectitude. It is easier said than done, but if you can understand that your brain's punishment imposed on you for making shitty friends and being rejected by pretty girls is nothing compared to your authentic self, there really isn't much else to do other than the pursuit of it. An example to highlight would be Bukowski (who also had shit friends and often rejected by girls), who wanted to be a writer in his early twenties but faced repeated rejections from publishers, forced to drift between menial jobs (postman, driver, etc.) and only finding a following in his late forties. For a man who tried his whole life, you will find the mantra 'Don't Try' on his gravestone, as in, do not try to push your life towards unimportance and unfulfillment.

You are very young and your concern for your mother shows you have a very kind heart, I also imagine your life with high functioning autism to be exponentially more challenging than mine. However, and I say this because you did not mention any interests, I question whether you have lived your life a bit too selflessly? If I ask you to write down the top two things you care about, you might rightfully list your mother as one of them. I would hope the other would be infinitely more selfish, something you would put above anyone else, something that allows you to see these menial tasks as a means to an end, as it is your life and you should. If you cannot come up with any meaningful ambitions, I do think it might be in your best interest to dedicate the majority of your free time in the near future in this process of trial and error, so as to be sure to not be regretful when you sentence yourself to death. I will, of course, try my best to understand and support your final verdict.

At last, as someone who dropped out of university as part of their plan to ctb and later found something deemed meaningful to do, I must tell you that, at least in my country, most institutions use the college certificate itself almost as part of a procedure, a 'passport' of some sort. That is, for most jobs it is probably okay even if you have absolute dog shit grades.

 

[another_creature]

Yet another creature passing by with the same issue. I'd been suicidal since childhood and it got worse, anyway apparently I wasn't alone since my sister (older) managed to go through with it before I did. Now on top of already not wanting to cause them all pain and disappointment, I now know I'd be leaving my parents completely alone wondering what they'd done wrong (nothing).
I feel mentally ready, they just don't deserve it..

 

[dolemitedrums]

Every day you give her without having experienced losing you is a gift. You should be proud of yourself for every day you have given her and every day you are going to give her. People elsewhere in the world don't know what it takes to provide that gift but on this site we do.