I want to CTB or run away— I need to talk to someone

[rainydaystocbt]

not to be cliche but i don't want to be here anymore, i don't want to be alive, i don't /need/ to be alive.

i want to catch the bus, but I'm too scared to do it. i'm scared of dying, I'm scared of surviving.
when I research everything shows that I'd probably survive, with long lasting damage.
I don't want to live without my legs or be paralysd or in a coma, I don't want to have to deal with people demanding to know why I tried to commit suicide, why I didn't ask for help, I just want to fall asleep.

My other want is to run away- just to disappear, to change my name and leave everything behind, it's a fantasy, something less miserable, but the idea is the same. Destroy my past and erase my present, let all the pain and anguish and pathetic misery die, and just be free.

I joined so I could talk to someone who might understand or feel the same way, I'm so sick of positive platitudes, of the expectation that I can fix myself and be a functioning person . I just want some one to understand and not make me feel guilty for wanting to die

please someone answer me, please.

 

[bornsinner]

hello. I understand your fear of dying. I understand that feeling of running away and leaving everything behind. I want to do the same thing. I understand how you feel.
is there anything in particular that makes you want to disappear?

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand. I want to die too and it's nothing to feel guilty about. When you have pain you cannot bear I think it's normal to be desparate for escape. It sounds like you have some deep pain, so you want to escape. I do too.
People that have not experienced that kind of pain do not understand.

 

[Stan]

I joined so I could talk to someone who might understand or feel the same way, I'm so sick of positive platitudes, of the expectation that I can fix myself and be a functioning person . I just want some one to understand and not make me feel guilty for wanting to die

There are a number of ways you can re-invent yourself. They don't also mean changing your name. It's difficult to help without knowing some details such as where you live and how old you are. There are a few practical things that you can do to disappear and even do some good in the world in the process. They are all practical things though. Running away does not mean an end to your MH issues. Unless of course home is the reason for them.

 

[Lonely789]

I totally understand and feel your pain. I researched here for many months before joining. I've read countless articles. Researched countless articles. SI is a bitch to deal with. I too want to run away and leave all this misery behind but have so many commitments (kids , job , etc.). It's understandable to be scared...

 

[MeltingHeart]

I agree with all the above posts. Also whilst it may seem like a fantasy - sometimes people do 'run away' or rather go somewhere to kinda start afresh - new places, new faces, new opportunities, potential to try a new kind of life - by going to a different country trying totally new experiences - to feel renewed somehow- but yes there is a risk that if you run away you may not out run your problems - but sometimes is can work. Totally depends on yr personal set of woes & situation.

 

[KadathianStr1d3r]

I think and feel the same as you too.
Running away is probably the best option so i highly recommend doing that over ctb.
How old are you mind me asking? Legality could seriously f things up if youre a juvenile.

 

[rainydaystocbt]

hello. I understand your fear of dying. I understand that feeling of running away and leaving everything behind. I want to do the same thing. I understand how you feel.
is there anything in particular that makes you want to disappear?

it's difficult to explain withiut going into too many details. My parents were emotionally abusive and manipulative. I left school at around 9/10 years old, and for the next eight years I stayed at home, without any education, and being kept at that nine yearold state, my mom wouldn't even let me wash myself, and my dad just did nothing. So yeah I have that messed up past as a basis for all my problems.
I've left that situation but being around people who are happy and able to live their lives has somehow made my mental state worse.There are all these pressures and expectations for me to meet, I can't do, I can't, I just need to die, that's it, that's all I am capable of, I just dont want to be here anymore, that way I can't fail and disappoint anyone

I think and feel the same as you too.
Running away is probably the best option so i highly recommend doing that over ctb.
How old are you mind me asking? Legality could seriously f things up if youre a juvenile.

I am 18 years old

I agree with all the above posts. Also whilst it may seem like a fantasy - sometimes people do 'run away' or rather go somewhere to kinda start afresh - new places, new faces, new opportunities, potential to try a new kind of life - by going to a different country trying totally new experiences - to feel renewed somehow- but yes there is a risk that if you run away you may not out run your problems - but sometimes is can work. Totally depends on yr personal set of woes & situation.

sadly running away is just a nice daydream, I don't have the resources or life experiance to get away with it, plus changing your identity is very illegal

I totally understand and feel your pain. I researched here for many months before joining. I've read countless articles. Researched countless articles. SI is a bitch to deal with. I too want to run away and leave all this misery behind but have so many commitments (kids , job , etc.). It's understandable to be scared...

exactly, Im scared of hurting people by dying, or worse, them whining about how inconsiderate I was if I survive

I'm so sorry for your pain. I understand. I want to die too and it's nothing to feel guilty about. When you have pain you cannot bear I think it's normal to be desparate for escape. It sounds like you have some deep pain, so you want to escape. I do too.
People that have not experienced that kind of pain do not understand.

they just don't, there are people in my life who 'understand' to a certain extent but, they just don't understand completely, and because they made it out of their dark places, they think I can do the same, but I can't, there's no point

 

[Edward1]

Hello! I'm here and listening / reading your post. I feel for you. It can be incredibly hard to be stuck in a particular position or situation that you really don't have any idea of getting out of. Hopefully we (the SS collective) can give you context and make you aware of avenues to help you. There are many incredibly dedicated wonderful people on this site. And you can find friends if you need them.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I understand. I want to die as well. There is nothing to feel guilty about when it comes to our emotional pain. We didn't ask for these wretched and tormenting feelings. We didn't ask for this curse. I get the fantasy of wanting to run away and disappear. I often fantasize about going deep into the heart of the forest with only basic survival tools and just getting totally lost in the wilderness. I wouldn't tell anyone about where I was going. Not even my family or close friends. I would revert to an extremely primal nature and primitive state of mind. I would hunt prey for food during the day and sleep under the stars at night. I imagine becoming more beast than man and living a life where I silenced the cerebral functions of my mind and lived totally based on primal animal instinct. It is fun to think about and daydream about.

I hope you feel better soon. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[LMLN]

I see you said you are 18. I just want to encourage you to think carefully before you make any decisions. Being a young adult can be a difficult period of time. I had a very hard time with my choice of schooling and a difficult family situation. I did find love though and had many happy years after that. Just encouraging you to think carefully as that decision is final.
Love and peace to you. ❤❤❤

 

[Bipointrovertido]

Well, I understand you MORE! Do you know when you're at the point where you can't explain it and can't express how you feel ?! So i'm just like i wanna end all this and a teenage suffering that has been killing me and i want help to die i can't eat sleep and kara i'm skinny from so much crap because this helps me carry on i'm one Shit and an addict .My my God I never thought I'd get to the point of wanting to kill myself and this is one of the things that makes me ctz that this is what I want I don't have to lose here, I've tried suicide several times it's nothing. Man I'm all fucked inside and out I feel my body slowly dying, I want it to be fast I'm suffering a lot. Help me