I want to CTB, is there anyone who will tell me that it's ok to feel this way?

[Ariadne.Waits]

I can't remember a time that I haven't, and I'm 40 now. From as early in my life as I can think of.
The last 15 years I have been with my husband. Soon to be ex. He has requested a divorce and I am aware that a major part of this is my mental health.
I don't do enough, I want too much, and he just doesn't love me anymore.
I will lose everything I have gained the last 10 years. We bought a house a few years ago and it is full of our stuff. I don't even know where to start.
I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have any money, he's the provider.
I can't afford anything, even with my two jobs, to be able to leave this city and state and try to leave him behind.
I don't think I can leave him behind.
Music, movies, places, events, friends. My pets, my collections, my books. Him.
I am so in love with him. I have only ever wanted him to love me.
What do I do with my wedding dress?
There's so much more to this but I am crying so hard I can't see.
Would it be ok? Is it ok to hurt this much and not be able to handle it?
Please, no replies involving 'tomorrows another day'. I am aware what tomorrow has in store for me, and it's just another discussion about where I go from here.
Please, is my pain ok?

 

[cetacea]

It is okay to be in pain. It's okay to be in agony, and it's okay that you can't handle it. It's okay that you are crying. It's okay that you are suffering.

Your pain is okay. It's all okay.

 

[Weltall]

I can't remember a time that I haven't, and I'm 40 now. From as early in my life as I can think of.
The last 15 years I have been with my husband. Soon to be ex. He has requested a divorce and I am aware that a major part of this is my mental health.
I don't do enough, I want too much, and he just doesn't love me anymore.
I will lose everything I have gained the last 10 years. We bought a house a few years ago and it is full of our stuff. I don't even know where to start.
I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have any money, he's the provider.
I can't afford anything, even with my two jobs, to be able to leave this city and state and try to leave him behind.
I don't think I can leave him behind.
Music, movies, places, events, friends. My pets, my collections, my books. Him.
I am so in love with him. I have only ever wanted him to love me.
What do I do with my wedding dress?
There's so much more to this but I am crying so hard I can't see.
Would it be ok? Is it ok to hurt this much and not be able to handle it?
Please, no replies involving 'tomorrows another day'. I am aware what tomorrow has in store for me, and it's just another discussion about where I go from here.
Please, is my pain ok?

Of course your pain is justified, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed at this moment.
You need time to focus on dealing with your emotions.
For now, just cry. Give yourself the personal relief by trying to process all of these emotions.

 

[whateverr]

I can't remember a time that I haven't, and I'm 40 now. From as early in my life as I can think of.
The last 15 years I have been with my husband. Soon to be ex. He has requested a divorce and I am aware that a major part of this is my mental health.
I don't do enough, I want too much, and he just doesn't love me anymore.
I will lose everything I have gained the last 10 years. We bought a house a few years ago and it is full of our stuff. I don't even know where to start.
I don't have anywhere to go. I don't have any money, he's the provider.
I can't afford anything, even with my two jobs, to be able to leave this city and state and try to leave him behind.
I don't think I can leave him behind.
Music, movies, places, events, friends. My pets, my collections, my books. Him.
I am so in love with him. I have only ever wanted him to love me.
What do I do with my wedding dress?
There's so much more to this but I am crying so hard I can't see.
Would it be ok? Is it ok to hurt this much and not be able to handle it?
Please, no replies involving 'tomorrows another day'. I am aware what tomorrow has in store for me, and it's just another discussion about where I go from here.
Please, is my pain ok?

How would your pain not be ok? We all feel things differently. Law and order has to treat everyone equally, but that's practically the opposite of how psychology tends to work which is why mental health is so fucked up. If we all felt pain, even similarly, to each other, empathy would be so much easier, nobody would feel like an outsider, etc. Instead, mental health makes no fucking sense and it seems like everyone just draws a straw and hopes that it isn't the short one.

 

[DearMe]

No, it's not. There's no 'fine' to be in pain. It hurts. I know. We can't handle our downfall. The more you think about negativity. The more in pain you are going to be. Cry all you want, cry so much that it disappears. I hope that when you stop crying. You can think straight ahead. I don't want you to distraught yourself because you feel like you have no choice. You'll find a way soon. You may not be able to get out of that place first - just stay firm, and focus.

 

[Raindancer]

It's very OK. When my ex asked for a divorce it was one of the if not the worst thing to happen to me. You are probably in shock. The physical pain of it is shocking. If you can, allow yourself the grace to feel whatever you need to. Scream, cry, rage, mourn. There will be time to handle all the have to's. Take care of yourself. As for the dress, I left it in the house for my ex, who was moving into my house with his mistress once I left.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that you feel is very much valid, I wish you the best, to me it's very much understandable wishing to permanently be free from all the suffering.