Discussion I want to ctb... but randomly

[GoneGoneGone]

Hey guys,

I know this sounds weird but please bear with me while I explain. I am 75-25% toward ctb. I have three bad days and maybe one good day and I can barely function.

A while back I attempted with SN, following the stat regimen, and freaked out after ingesting it, trying to throw it up, and ended in the hospital. Someone commented on my thread that I played a bit of Russian roulette with that. I now think they were right. I realize that all my attempts were botched or doomed to fail. I tried to OD twice on meds. Once I was absolutely sure it would work, but alas it didn't.

My SI is too strong and I'm also a bit resilient, I do step up for myself and try to fight for my well-being from time to time, hoping for some improvement. These periods come and go unfortunately.

So what I would basically like to happen is to let's say make an alleged botched attempt and then by surprise not wake up. Don't know if it makes sense. I want to die but do not want to know when it will happen because then SI would kick in and I would not even attempt it.

Does this mean I should move to the recovery portion of this site? I know that I will be recommended to make the decision for myself, and not involve others emotionally in my ctb, but I am wondering if anyone has similar feelings. Like many of us wish we don't wake up when we go to sleep.

Thank you for listening and for the advice.

 

[timetofly]

In your case, I think it's better to keep trying to better your situation. Somewhere in the future you'll either reach your tipping point or get better, and you'll be 100% sure what to do then.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

In your case, I think it's better to keep trying to better your situation. Somewhere in the future you'll either reach your tipping point or get better, and you'll be 100% sure what to do then.

Thank you. May I ask, what makes you say "in your case?" Is there something that gives me away as having potential to recover? I've been depressed for 4 years now... There is just a little sliver of being stubborn that says it's better to retaliate when someone hurts you (not physically or violently, just kinda to stand up for yourself) than to self-harm.

 

[Shades of Grey]

If you aren't certain, my feeling is that you probably should explore options for recovery.

Haphazard, reckless attempts may leave you permanently injured... or you may end up in a situation where death is unavoidable, only to find that isn't really what you wanted.

I would advise you to explore those reservations before doing anything permanent.

Just my $0.02.

 

[timetofly]

Is there something that gives me away as having potential to recover?

Yes, this part:

I'm also a bit resilient, I do step up for myself and try to fight for my well-being from time to time, hoping for some improvement.

Until you reach kind of a flat line, a constant depressive state, there's still hope.

In no way I preach life as a gift or whatever, but I know that shitty people never consider suicide and this world is full of shitty people. If someone nice makes it through, is able to recover, at least this person can have a nice life and help others.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There is just a little sliver of being stubborn that says it's better to retaliate when someone hurts you (not physically or violently, just kinda to stand up for yourself) than to self-harm.

That stubbornness and standing up for yourself sound to me like self-respect.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

In no way I preach life as a gift or whatever, but I know that shitty people never consider suicide and this world is full of shitty people. If someone nice makes it through, is able to recover, at least this person can have a nice life and help others.

Thank you. I mean, I think this is how I've got here. I've been so nice and helpful toward my family, friends, mere acquaintances, and when I had a completely external problem out of my control, I have been left to fend for myself. So now I'm envisaging a moment maybe even in the distant future, when I may be again in a position in which I have power and resources to help others, only that in this case I will not. I want to be a shitty person moving forward. But a shitty person in disguise.

If tomorrow however I got run over by a car and died, that'd be fine by me too tho... This is what I mean by randomly ctbing...

That stubbornness and standing up for yourself sound to me like self-respect.

Thank you. I think I gained that once I reached the point of wanting to ctb. I was like ok enough I'm already dying, so I stopped being a pushover and it felt good.

 

[TheQ22]

Ah right a bit like Scroedingers cat - you won't know if you're alive or dead until they put you into the box (and you still won't know then).

So maybe you could get hold of something like say SN, but lets call it substance X, which is tasteless and odourless, and you mix up 1 portion of it in the correct dosage and put it into a plastic tub.

You then take harmless substance Y (which looks etc just like substance X) and weigh out the same quantity and put that into an identical plastic tub. Then do this with another 8 lots of Y.

So you have 1 tub of deadly X and 9 tubs of harmless Y, so if you were to pick 1 tub it would be 10-1 against you picking the deadly one, meaning you're 90% likely to survive.

Every time you feel suicidal you randomly take 1 tub and consume it, and replace that tub with another identical tub of Y, so the odds always remain the same.

After 8 or 9 times of being okay (uness you get lucky/unlucky depending how you look at it) you won't even worry any more, you always wake up.

Until one day you don't...

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Ah right a bit like Scroedingers cat - you won't know if you're alive or dead until they put you into the box (and you still won't know then).

So maybe you could get hold of something like say SN, but lets call it substance X, which is tasteless and odourless, and you mix up 1 portion of it in the correct dosage and put it into a plastic tub.

You then take harmless substance Y (which looks etc just like substance X) and weigh out the same quantity and put that into an identical plastic tub. Then do this with another 8 lots of Y.

So you have 1 tub of deadly X and 9 tubs of harmless Y, so if you were to pick 1 tub it would be 10-1 against you picking the deadly one, meaning you're 90% likely to survive.

Every time you feel suicidal you randomly take 1 tub and consume it, and replace that tub with another identical tub of Y, so the odds always remain the same.

After 8 or 9 times of being okay (uness you get lucky/unlucky depending how you look at it) you won't even worry any more, you always wake up.

Until one day you don't...

Exactly like this!!!! But preferably for me to accidentally ingest it so that I don't know that I may be causing it to myself. I know it's psychologically a bit screwed up, but oh well... I'm unable to do it properly knowing that I'm doing it to myself.

 

[timetofly]

I want to be a shitty person moving forward.

I understand what you mean but I urge you not to apply the terms normies use to manipulate others to yourself. You'll be shitty for them, but in fact you'll continue to be a nice person. You see, for normies, shitty people are those who don't act like they expect. People they can't take advantage of.

Those who left you when you needed them the most didn't deserve you, they didn't deserve the nice treatment they received from you. When you'll start treating them like they deserve — this won't make you a shitty person, no way, this in fact will make you a better person because shitty people need to know their place. No neutrality for them, no goodness, just shit, just what they deserve.

You'll be able to easily discern who is who and treat everyone accordingly. Just don't treat good people (they are few, but they do exist) badly and you'll never turn into shit.

Don't forget the wise Jiddu Krishnamurti: "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

I wish you to recover and have a nice life!