I want to ctb but I'm afraid what will happen to my birds and my husband

[Winry]

Title.
I've been with my husband since we were teenagers, it's been ten years. I've also had my birds about this long, maybe a little longer. My husband is my best friend and has supported me though my ups and downs, every breakdown, and loved me unconditionally the whole time. My birds are like my little babies. They are only attached to me, they even scream "Hi Mama" when I come into the room and say hi"bye bye mama" when I leave I'm afraid how they'll react if I CTB. I know how attached they are to me and the thought of them plucking or starving themselves bc they miss me breaks my heart.

I am bipolar and have been SAed multiple times in my younger teens and college days. The flashbacks are too painful to bear and I've never been happy anyways, but the guilt is too overwhelming

How do you cope with the guilt when you really just want to CTB?

 

[Mister Skittles]

Have you tried talking to your husband about your thoughts?

 

[Winry]

Have you tried talking to your husband about your thoughts?

Often, actually. He says he would also CTB if I did. He doesn't want to live without me. I don't want someone else to do that just bc of me. The guilt is enough to stop me for now but I'm afraid/excited that one day it won't be enough and I'll actually CTB. Thank you for the reply

 

[missingpeace]

It's always sad to leave the people behind that love you and care for you, If he has enough of a supportive community around him, he will surely recover. Ultimately it is his decision what he does with his life just like how you have decided what you will do with yours.

 

[HerculePoirot]

In many cases where someone is considering ctb due to horrible past experiences, but still hesitating due to present circumstances, I'd like to say: you shouldn't take your own life because of the past (which you can't change), only because of the future.

 

[GasMonkey]

What's your method?

 

[Winry]

What's your method?

Thinking about SN if I can get it. If not, I have access to multiple guns but that would be last resort. Still researching methods so if you know any good ones lmk.

Have tried ODing & survived might try again not sure

In many cases where someone is considering ctb due to horrible past experiences, but still hesitating due to present circumstances, I'd like to say: you shouldn't take your own life because of the past (which you can't change), only because of the future.

I agree however my future isn't looking great either. College drop out, no skills, no social skills, no friends. Can't hold a job because of my crippling social anxiety and my bipolar disorder makes functioning every day unbearable. Can't even shower or brush my teeth, it feels like too much work. I appreciate your reply and know you mean well but I just can't see another way out for myself. I will give it some thought though, thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I could never feel guilty for wanting to leave this world, as after all it isn't like I asked to be so unfairly burdened with existence, and anyway we all have to die and lose everything someday no matter what, losing people is simply a part of life and none of us are obligated to continue stay here. Suicide is just preventing our inevitable fate from being delayed. But it does sound like a difficult situation that you are in, and it must be hard to deal with. There certainly does seem to be no real relief from suffering as long as one continues to exist here.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

How do you cope with the guilt when you really just want to CTB?

I wish there was an easy solution to this problem, but sometimes it can be just as big of a hurdle as overcoming SI. Dealing with both at the same time just makes it worse. I'm sorry we both have to be in the same situation.