I want to ctb but i feel so guilty

[511115]

Ever since my attempt last Jan, I am constantly under watch. I will have to lie or trick my parents in order to make another attempt. The thought kills me.

Right now I have an idea, I have a meeting every week that my mom drives me to. Its canceled in a few weeks, and if i dont tell my mom, she will drive and wait for me like always. I can pretend to go to the meeting, sneak out, and ctb.

Thinking of her happy to see me, waiting for me to appear, makes me feel so guilty. She will wait and wait and either figure out I'm missing, or get a call from police. The thought of her panic and grief haunts me.

I have no one to talk to about this, because as soon as I mention plans to ctb, I know I will just get locked up, and that doesn't help at all. Just people sigh and see me again and imply I'm not serious and just want attention. Then they release me asap and my providers are super shocked I'm out so quickly and dont know what to do with me, and then I get sent into residential treatment and it becomes a never ending, forever looping nightmare.

I want to end this nightmare, my therapist thinks the answer is me getting a job, that will just enter me into a different nightmare... I quit my job to ctb, so what will it help getting another job so I can continue to be miserable and still suffer wanting to ctb???

I only see one way out, but the guilt is really holding me back. What should I do?

 

[SuicideBoys93]

May 12th 2018 I had a good friend of mine CTB. I watched his mother stand at the foot of the grave staring as the workers filled the grave. It's a image that'll never leave my head. Which ultimately prevents me from going in the event because I'd know my mother would be heartbroken. It's a daily struggle for me because I just want the game to be over, but picture that every time I think I'm ready. I'm not religious, but believe Chris is telling me to keep pushing forward. I was never mad at Chris like a lot were because I get it. He never told me what he was going through but I know the feeling of just wanting to go, and he did that, so I'm not mad. I miss him. My advice is to try and find something you enjoy in life. I'm saying this as someone who walks around and gets told I look unhappy. I'm miserable here, but can't go. I have a right arm sleeve tattoo and got that itch for another tattoo. I went with this on my arm as a reminder for when I'm in my dark place. I look at it, and just find the smallest amount of will to keep going. Down with my demons is all about self acceptance. It's me accepting the way I am, and just keep pushing forward regardless of how low I ever go. I like to think this tattoo has saved my life time or two. I'm always here if you want to talk.

 

[Pallf]

Guilt is a huge reason why I haven't CTB. I keep trying to convince myself that my parents would and should get over my suicide quickly, but I know it isn't true. I hate feeling trapped.

 

[starshotplagues]

currently in the same boat

 

[randomz]

May 12th 2018 I had a good friend of mine CTB. I watched his mother stand at the foot of the grave staring as the workers filled the grave. It's a image that'll never leave my head. Which ultimately prevents me from going in the event because I'd know my mother would be heartbroken. It's a daily struggle for me because I just want the game to be over, but picture that every time I think I'm ready. I'm not religious, but believe Chris is telling me to keep pushing forward. I was never mad at Chris like a lot were because I get it. He never told me what he was going through but I know the feeling of just wanting to go, and he did that, so I'm not mad. I miss him. My advice is to try and find something you enjoy in life. I'm saying this as someone who walks around and gets told I look unhappy. I'm miserable here, but can't go. I have a right arm sleeve tattoo and got that itch for another tattoo. I went with this on my arm as a reminder for when I'm in my dark place. I look at it, and just find the smallest amount of will to keep going. Down with my demons is all about self acceptance. It's me accepting the way I am, and just keep pushing forward regardless of how low I ever go. I like to think this tattoo has saved my life time or two. I'm always here if you want to talk. View attachment 27104

Is not that one of the most meaningfull tattoos I have ever seen. Especially seen in a forum like this one. Even looking at it on your arm kinda gave me some courage to go on with my day.

On topic - I feel your sense of guilt OP, I have the same feelings. My parents and especially my mom has always given everything to make me feel good (also giving me some childhood traumas along the way, but that was not their fault, and they kinda realise this now and try to make up for it) and I can just imagine how my CTB will affect other people.

Reading suicideboys93's post made me think that if death is emptiness, then CTBing is like spreading a disease of emptiness to people you care about. And feeling empty while alive is one of the worst things that could happen to a person - I've been going through such period for the past couple of months, and don't wish it for no one.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Ever since my attempt last Jan, I am constantly under watch. I will have to lie or trick my parents in order to make another attempt. The thought kills me.

Right now I have an idea, I have a meeting every week that my mom drives me to. Its canceled in a few weeks, and if i dont tell my mom, she will drive and wait for me like always. I can pretend to go to the meeting, sneak out, and ctb.

Thinking of her happy to see me, waiting for me to appear, makes me feel so guilty. She will wait and wait and either figure out I'm missing, or get a call from police. The thought of her panic and grief haunts me.

I have no one to talk to about this, because as soon as I mention plans to ctb, I know I will just get locked up, and that doesn't help at all. Just people sigh and see me again and imply I'm not serious and just want attention. Then they release me asap and my providers are super shocked I'm out so quickly and dont know what to do with me, and then I get sent into residential treatment and it becomes a never ending, forever looping nightmare.

I want to end this nightmare, my therapist thinks the answer is me getting a job, that will just enter me into a different nightmare... I quit my job to ctb, so what will it help getting another job so I can continue to be miserable and still suffer wanting to ctb???

I only see one way out, but the guilt is really holding me back. What should I do?

Hi there, I read your post and feel your pain also. That guilt is one of the main things that has stopped me ctb. I'm 47 now and have had thoughts since a teen maybe even before. I have had a life long struggle and every single day I don't want to be here. I have seen workers, been passed from pillar to post. Been on numerous meds. They may help me live day to day but the want to ctb is always there like a dark shadow hanging over me. It has haunted me all my life.
But the guilt has kept me here, now I have a dog and the guilt of leaving her stops me checking out.
I think the guilt is some way of knowing there is still a connection however tenuous it is.
And if I just make it through today is now my constant mantra.
I wish workers and health professionals were more equipped to be able to talk openly about suicide because I know having found this place only a few days ago has helped me massively.
In part for me this place has allowed me to no longer feel the shame of failed attempts or the shame of the want not to be here.
But I know here there are good people who understand, so the advice I would give anyone who feels the guilt you describe just get through the day, the thoughts will not disappear but they might lose their power.
On a finally note its what has kept me going for 35 years or so.
This is obviously only my opinion and I totally agree with a person's right to choose and not be judged for those choices.
We are here for everyone.

 

[511115]

Thanks for sharing your stories. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I agree that I feel very trapped right now. I'm a pet rat in a cage.

I feel like I'm being forced to live just so others won't be sad.

I just want to rest in peace.

 

[helpmehelpme]

Familiar spot

My mom is 85 and shudders at the thought. Have done my best to prepare her on this trip home. She has seen how low and ruminative, I go, and honestly I believe on some level understands my urge to go, although asks me to try. And I will when I return to Colorado. I tell her how much I love her and that is not her fault.

Ultimately, it is my body and life, and I pray whatever note I'd leave would be of comfort. Also would want to do my best to put my affairs in order. This can be difficult in a state of duress but imagine relief might come to me eventually once decision is made that will help me function more clearly.

 

[Pallf]

I now have to push away church if I want to ctb because I've got a lot of people I'll devastate if I do. Immediate family, grandma, now church. My friends are all online so maybe they'll think I just moved on? No irl friends to worry about hurting though.