lefi
waiting for rainy days
- Aug 19, 2023
- 61
I was ready to end it all until the end of this year. I decided on hanging myself, researched and learnt everything that I'm supposed to know and saved up money to buy a nice rope. I just had to decide where I'd do it.
But then at the beginning of the summer, my father died.
We had a complicated relationship for as long as I can remember, even after his death it seems that everything has gotted even more complicated. I didn't think I'd mourn him this much. Or maybe I'm mourning the life I lost since he was the sole breadwinner of the family, I didn't even realize how privileged I was until I lost it all.
My mom isn't in any shape to work (disability). I'm in college and without finishing it first I'm not in a position to find a good enough job that will support us both. Student jobs don't exist here, only full time ones. We don't have any reliable family left.. For now we're living off of my father's money that was left behind and we'll be getting around 50€ as help from our country... Which obviously is nothing. My mom's getting some lousy money cus of her situation too.
I don't know what we'll do once my father's money runs out.
I can't CBT and leave my mother alone. She wasn't the best mother, but seeing how my father's death left her broken makes me want to cry every day. She's empty now, like a fragment of someone I used to know. My death wouldn't only kill me, but her too for sure.
But I don't want to live like this anymore. Even before everything that happened, I didn't want to live in this world. How am I supposed to manage it now when everything is a hundred times harder? I want to die so badly, I had everything planned out and now what. Am I supposed to just abandon it? I've always been like this, I don't know how to live differently. I can't just ignore it in favor of saving someone else. I can't live for someone. I don't want to.
I've never wanted this.
Even if I run away somewhere to CBT so I'm never found, who is going to take care of my mother? Is she really going to spend her whole life worrying where I am and hoping that one day I'm going to come back? Or will that be the last straw for her too? She's not well enough physically and mentally to live alone, who is going to make sure she's alright or if she's in need of anything?
I can't, God.. I just can't do anything.
I don't want to live, but I can't die too.
But then at the beginning of the summer, my father died.
We had a complicated relationship for as long as I can remember, even after his death it seems that everything has gotted even more complicated. I didn't think I'd mourn him this much. Or maybe I'm mourning the life I lost since he was the sole breadwinner of the family, I didn't even realize how privileged I was until I lost it all.
My mom isn't in any shape to work (disability). I'm in college and without finishing it first I'm not in a position to find a good enough job that will support us both. Student jobs don't exist here, only full time ones. We don't have any reliable family left.. For now we're living off of my father's money that was left behind and we'll be getting around 50€ as help from our country... Which obviously is nothing. My mom's getting some lousy money cus of her situation too.
I don't know what we'll do once my father's money runs out.
I can't CBT and leave my mother alone. She wasn't the best mother, but seeing how my father's death left her broken makes me want to cry every day. She's empty now, like a fragment of someone I used to know. My death wouldn't only kill me, but her too for sure.
But I don't want to live like this anymore. Even before everything that happened, I didn't want to live in this world. How am I supposed to manage it now when everything is a hundred times harder? I want to die so badly, I had everything planned out and now what. Am I supposed to just abandon it? I've always been like this, I don't know how to live differently. I can't just ignore it in favor of saving someone else. I can't live for someone. I don't want to.
I've never wanted this.
Even if I run away somewhere to CBT so I'm never found, who is going to take care of my mother? Is she really going to spend her whole life worrying where I am and hoping that one day I'm going to come back? Or will that be the last straw for her too? She's not well enough physically and mentally to live alone, who is going to make sure she's alright or if she's in need of anything?
I can't, God.. I just can't do anything.
I don't want to live, but I can't die too.
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