Deleted member 24152
"Dying Is an art, like everything else."
- Nov 24, 2020
- 20
Hi everyone!
At the beginning I want to apologize for my English, it is poor. I came here because no one can understand me. My therapist sucks. There is no similar forum in my native language. I'm so..so lonely.
Ever since I can remember, I have always had thoughts of suicide. I've tried so hard to fight them but I'm already tired. I have a suicide attempt behind me. My whole life is failure, depression, loneliness, stress and anxiety. I have a bordeline. Currently, I am kept alive by the fear that a loser like me will not be able to kill herself and I will be (for example)paralyzed.
A month ago, the love of my life jumped off. She didn't say goodbye to me. We had arguments before. I feel guilty, I miss her so much, she was the only person in my life who gave me hope... A few days before her death I said that only she kept me alive. We were separated by over 1000 km. Due to the pandemic, we had a problem with how to see each other.
We were planing to walk away together if we no longer had the strength to live. I don't understand why she left me alone, I don't understand how much she must have suffered. I feel like I killed her by an argument. I feel like I put my problems on her shoulders, because all October I cried that I don't have the strength to live anymore and everything is pointless. I was withdrawn, she might have taken it as cut myself off her. She once told me that if she couldn't make me happy, she would go away. This is one big misconception. I want to be with my love. We always fantasized about lying in the grave together. Her friends blame me for everything. They completely do not understand how hard it is to live with HSP.
I don't see the future at all.
At the beginning I want to apologize for my English, it is poor. I came here because no one can understand me. My therapist sucks. There is no similar forum in my native language. I'm so..so lonely.
Ever since I can remember, I have always had thoughts of suicide. I've tried so hard to fight them but I'm already tired. I have a suicide attempt behind me. My whole life is failure, depression, loneliness, stress and anxiety. I have a bordeline. Currently, I am kept alive by the fear that a loser like me will not be able to kill herself and I will be (for example)paralyzed.
A month ago, the love of my life jumped off. She didn't say goodbye to me. We had arguments before. I feel guilty, I miss her so much, she was the only person in my life who gave me hope... A few days before her death I said that only she kept me alive. We were separated by over 1000 km. Due to the pandemic, we had a problem with how to see each other.
We were planing to walk away together if we no longer had the strength to live. I don't understand why she left me alone, I don't understand how much she must have suffered. I feel like I killed her by an argument. I feel like I put my problems on her shoulders, because all October I cried that I don't have the strength to live anymore and everything is pointless. I was withdrawn, she might have taken it as cut myself off her. She once told me that if she couldn't make me happy, she would go away. This is one big misconception. I want to be with my love. We always fantasized about lying in the grave together. Her friends blame me for everything. They completely do not understand how hard it is to live with HSP.
I don't see the future at all.
