Venting I want to be hurt

[lyiu]

i know i ultimately want to CBT but ive had thoughts where i would want someone to hurt me instead- ive often fantasized about getting beaten up and things like that not caring what happens to me and letting that person do whatever they want to me. I always thought that the ways i would want to die is either CBT or getting killed by someone else- even if that person hurts me i dont care because at least they chose ME- they cared enough about me to hurt me. i want someone to be mean and awful to me, i used to even seek out men online to be sexually violent towards me..i dont know i just dont care-

 

[puella]

i know i ultimately want to CBT but ive had thoughts where i would want someone to hurt me instead- ive often fantasized about getting beaten up and things like that not caring what happens to me and letting that person do whatever they want to me. I always thought that the ways i would want to die is either CBT or getting killed by someone else- even if that person hurts me i dont care because at least they chose ME- they cared enough about me to hurt me. i want someone to be mean and awful to me, i used to even seek out men online to be sexually violent towards me..i dont know i just dont care-

I understand these thoughts, I struggle with similar ones. It's important to remind yourself that you deserve to be safe.

at least they chose ME- they cared enough about me

I care about you.

 

[february in alaska]

Oh, man. This is painfully relatable, actually. I feel like it's a kind of self harm (especially if you find someone who does hurt you) but I've never gone through with it

I used to want to find some kind of fight club where people would just beat me into a pulp. Even considered intentionally getting into relationships with abusive people, as absolutely fucked up as that is. Ultimately I like having control though, so I've stuck to self harm

I'm sorry you're dealing with similar shit. Be careful with those kinds of situations, though. There are people out there who will choose you without wanting to hurt you

 

[Vesiira]

i know i ultimately want to CBT but ive had thoughts where i would want someone to hurt me instead- ive often fantasized about getting beaten up and things like that not caring what happens to me and letting that person do whatever they want to me. I always thought that the ways i would want to die is either CBT or getting killed by someone else- even if that person hurts me i dont care because at least they chose ME- they cared enough about me to hurt me. i want someone to be mean and awful to me, i used to even seek out men online to be sexually violent towards me..i dont know i just dont care-

i understand how you feel. i've been thinking more thoughts like these too. wanting another person to hurt me and degrade me. it is kinda scary how much we feel we don't care about ourselves. it definitely is a form of self harm, but it makes it easier when you don't have to do it and someone else will. i'm sorry you're feeling this, because it's not an easy thing to deal with. <3

 

[username8888]

know i ultimately want to CBT but ive had thoughts where i would want someone to hurt me instead

Sexual fantasy, fine.

Rape fantasy, okay.

But in order to feel pain? It's way too different perspective for me to comprehend. I am not into it.

 

[Athena]

after all the grotesque men i gave myself years back, has just felt like i don't own my body. even now i still fantasize of men drugging and harming me but i feel like im so used up that nobody would even want this body. so i just cry that i can't cbt on my own and that nobody would ever want me as little as to for me

 

[lyiu]

Oh, man. This is painfully relatable, actually. I feel like it's a kind of self harm (especially if you find someone who does hurt you) but I've never gone through with it

I used to want to find some kind of fight club where people would just beat me into a pulp. Even considered intentionally getting into relationships with abusive people, as absolutely fucked up as that is. Ultimately I like having control though, so I've stuck to self harm

I'm sorry you're dealing with similar shit. Be careful with those kinds of situations, though. There are people out there who will choose you without wanting to hurt yo

Oh, man. This is painfully relatable, actually. I feel like it's a kind of self harm (especially if you find someone who does hurt you) but I've never gone through with it

I used to want to find some kind of fight club where people would just beat me into a pulp. Even considered intentionally getting into relationships with abusive people, as absolutely fucked up as that is. Ultimately I like having control though, so I've stuck to self harm

I'm sorry you're dealing with similar shit. Be careful with those kinds of situations, though. There are people out there who will choose you without wanting to hurt you

no yeah its definitely a form of self harm- i have the same thoughts as u with the abusive relationship too even tho it sounds messed up- thing is that im a lesbian and i still sought out these men online to hurt me i guess thats pretty low as i can get for now

after all the grotesque men i gave myself years back, has just felt like i don't own my body. even now i still fantasize of men drugging and harming me but i feel like im so used up that nobody would even want this body. so i just cry that i can't cbt on my own and that nobody would ever want me as little as to for me

i completely get what ur saying i feel like i destroyed my body so much and let other people use it to the point where i feel like it shouldnt exist anymore

 

[Cinnamon9326]

ive often fantasized about getting beaten up and things like that not caring what happens to me and letting that person do whatever they want to me. I always thought that the ways i would want to die is either CBT or getting killed by someone else

That sounds so much like me. I'm not really looking for abusive relationships but that might simply be because I'm scared of any relationships at all so I'm not looking for any. Just always freaking out and running away from them lol.

But I'm sometimes ideating about being punched to the face, or just kneeling in a row with other people, waiting to be executed - shot in the back of my head. Or someone just shoots me for some stupid reason, while being unaware of the fact that I actually deserve it. I always feel like I deserve it. Like they're doing the world a service.

Can I ask you? Are people generally nice to you? B/c they're all so nice to me and I don't think I deserve it.

 

[Baron]

Ive been thinking about getting beaten up a lot lately. Or even getting stabbed or shot. It makes me feel weird. If a shallow cut made by myself makes me feel insanely good, I wonder how I feel about pain caused by someone else. Especially life threatening injuries.

 

[lyiu]

That sounds so much like me. I'm not really looking for abusive relationships but that might simply be because I'm scared of any relationships at all so I'm not looking for any. Just always freaking out and running away from them lol.

But I'm sometimes ideating about being punched to the face, or just kneeling in a row with other people, waiting to be executed - shot in the back of my head. Or someone just shoots me for some stupid reason, while being unaware of the fact that I actually deserve it. I always feel like I deserve it. Like they're doing the world a service.

Can I ask you? Are people generally nice to you? B/c they're all so nice to me and I don't think I deserve it.

yes people are normally nice to me but sometimes i wish they werent

 

[Athena]

no yeah its definitely a form of self harm- i have the same thoughts as u with the abusive relationship too even tho it sounds messed up- thing is that im a lesbian and i still sought out these men online to hurt me i guess thats pretty low as i can get for now

i completely get what ur saying i feel like i destroyed my body so much and let other people use it to the point where i feel like it shouldnt exist anymore

after i stopped giving myself away, that self destruction turned into fear. i don't know if i'll ever feel safe around a man.

used to be into boys too but now only exclusively girls.

i hope you can find the thing that makes you whole. although i haven't found mine, i've slowly gotten to where im searching and can say. you can take these things back for yourself but it won't ever be the same as before.

 

[ultraviolence]

i know i ultimately want to CBT but ive had thoughts where i would want someone to hurt me instead- ive often fantasized about getting beaten up and things like that not caring what happens to me and letting that person do whatever they want to me. I always thought that the ways i would want to die is either CBT or getting killed by someone else- even if that person hurts me i dont care because at least they chose ME- they cared enough about me to hurt me. i want someone to be mean and awful to me, i used to even seek out men online to be sexually violent towards me..i dont know i just dont care-

Omg. I relate so much... I don't know any love outside of abuse tbh. When I was 17 I hung out w a man over twice my age and we never did anything bc I wasn't attracted to him, I just wanted to feel wanted and to put myself in danger in hopes someone or something would take me out so I wouldn't have to and so ppl I love wouldn't blame me. It also felt nice that it was illegal.

From one of my favorite movies: we accept the love we think we deserve. I hope you start to think that's not what you deserve

 

[lyiu]

ye

Ive been thinking about getting beaten up a lot lately. Or even getting stabbed or shot. It makes me feel weird. If a shallow cut made by myself makes me feel insanely good, I wonder how I feel about pain caused by someone else. Especially life threatening injurie

Ive been thinking about getting beaten up a lot lately. Or even getting stabbed or shot. It makes me feel weird. If a shallow cut made by myself makes me feel insanely good, I wonder how I feel about pain caused by someone else. Especially life threatening injuries.

yeah i feel the same way- if hurting myself feels good then i wonder what its like to have someone else do it