I have mixed feelings about most people around me, but if I am being honest, in my most tormented hour, I want them to feel every ounce of what I have suffered.
I know they never will, but I want it.
I want them to know this, I want them to know me, and how trapped and utterly desperate I am.
I want them to feel what it's like to be so terrified that you can't even voice the most benign of opinions, I want them to feel the constant hornet's nest in their chest.
I want fairness in suffering, at the very least, equality.
There is no such thing as being "happy" for other people, without having any such sentiment or privilege of your own.
You can only give what you get, else you become worn thin from handing out crumbs of sweetness on borrowed time and resources.
It's like being asked for 6 dozen eggs, from an empty carton that was only ever made to hold one.
You are not a bad person.
We should not be expected to desire anything but an equivalent and uniform fate, whether it be equal in suffering or equal in pleasantry.
Tbf, I have no words for the type of torment I have been put through.
I am in disbelief every single day.
Anything I say won't come anywhere close to defining the type of nightmare that was induced with my existence, but I drone on either way.
Ending it won't make a terrible difference to anyone but myself, but oh how I wish I could see the day that those relative to me (and similar) could appreciate the corner I have been forced into, and the grief of never escaping it. Knowing I will never escape it.
...
Yes. I wish I could imprison every last one of them inside this body and this entire excuse of a life I've had until they, too, would lose their minds screaming and sobbing and thrashing and pleading, all the while, any response they receive being apathetic, cold and calculated as they go off the deep end with absolutely not a single contact to call when their only confidant goes up against them and the rest gaslight the shit out of them and then say "no comment" to their torture and misery!!!
No cousin, no friend, no parent, no sibling, no aunt, no uncle, no grandparent, no nothing to turn to without being thrown into yet another prison with more labels to dehumanize them and dismiss real, tangible struggles, memories, and physical detriments.
Again, I wish nothing but the worst suffering imaginable on them all,
I hope they lose every memory and sentiment they hold dear, both palpable and abstract, and I hope the sense of happiness or even contentment is burned from their minds,
I hope they feel just as powerless as I do, just as alone and terrified and desperate, I hope there's not a single ounce of understanding toward them, I hope every word that comes out of their mouth is met with deaf ears and that they feel restriction upon restriction upon constraint, while having to witness the freedom and fortune of everyone else who turns away from them and joins each other while laughing, leaving them in the distance to rot in the dirt alone, forgotten, only remembered as a "mentally ill" demon, both their life and their truth diminished and erased forever as they drown to death in their own wails that no one is left to hear.
Then and only then, will they know what I am and why, only then will they understand and feel this crushing behemoth.
Fortunately (for them), none of that will ever come to fruition. It's my burden to be carried to the grave. But I am hardly permitted to show it, not outside of my isolation.
Even from a distance, I must comply with their rose colored world view-filled to the brim with toxic positivity.
It is nauseating and alienating, it reeks of betrayal toward everything their supposed "loved one" has been dealt.
I have so much about me physically (and as a result of such) that allows others to easily toss me aside and disparage me, so I have to overcompensate with an agreeable 'nature', and in the end I'm still seen as cringeworthy or somehow fall under other unsavory descriptors.
I just can't win. I'm so exhausted, I already have one foot placed outside of this world, with no plans on keeping the other one in it.
My family dealt with a tragic event just recently and I dragged myself into zombie mode, already cried out, to be there, covered up head to toe, but still there.
I second guessed every move I made and every word that came out of my mouth because of what had happened to me and what has been thought of me in the past..the rejection, the insults, the vastly different treatment, the unflattering and dehumanizing analysis of my behavior and coping mechanisms.
All this, right after a huge fight and an intense 3-day stonewalling session from my mother (the only person I have a fraction of), which led to me sobbing until my throat bust, eyes and face swollen to hell, nearly ripped my remaining hair out of my head, broke shit, dragged myself across the entire house on my hands and knees begging for death...and on and on.
Not the first time, and not the last, (as there is still much to do before I ingest the SN.)
Taunted into madness, alone, with only myself to witness and comfort.
Not a single contact on my phone could be called, not without being shut down and thrown into the psych ward.
I truly have NO ONE and NO THING.
And I didn't ask for much in life, I just wanted a body and face I was comfortable in and could identify with, my family of origin to love and care for me as much as I've tried to with them, and the freedom to be myself and succeed in something I'm passionate about. That's it.
I would be eager to please others, more than willing to solidify their own flourishing being, and give aid to their own enmity or trauma, if only I had that much.
But no, I got the complete opposite of that and far, far worse.
I am so tired. I'm tired of explaining the obvious and hiding not just my appearance, but my bitterness, anger, resentment, misery, regret, misgivings, brutal daily breakdowns, excruciating physical and emotional pain, my right to all of the above, you name it..
All I can do now, is make the push for it to be over. The dream of accompaniment in all things good or bad, and the wish for balance in this unfair world, will remain in the pipes. And with that, I will leave, with yet one more thing weighing me down.
