I want sodium nitrite and to get raped again so i can kill myself in melbourne, Australia

[limerentsaudade]

I cant do this anymore

I was in a relationship with the perfect woman and she broke up with me because I was getting really sick trying to help support seriously mentally ill people, some of whom were abusive towards me, because I wanted to create a world where no one would ever be abandoned to deal with my sex trafficking trauma

I sacrificed the thing I loved most to help people who didnt even want help and just used me for drama and attention while abusing me

Every day without her is agony. I tried dating another person and just made everything worse. I tried to fall in love but just felt nauseous the whole time. I wanted my dream girl, not some random person who i only got with because they lied and said theyd help all my mentally ill friends who i was scared of losing. Now the love of my life said she had to go no contact on me tho she said she still loves me

I would do anything to turn back time and be her girlfriend again

But its too much agony being away from her. It's been like 6 months and the pain hasn't even reduced. I can barely sleep at night due to having anxiety about her and wondering if she's okay. I'm in pain every day

I sacrificed her for nothing. Several of the people I was trying to help turned out to be sexually predatory. I just wanted to do the right thing. People said they were abandoned and I thought they were like my younger self but they were lying to manipulate me

I have lots of friends but I feel so empty. I also still love my ex so deeply and never want to hurt her

I want to get sodium nitrite and then put myself in dangerous situations so that a man rapes me and then I can kill myself and send my true love and all my friends and comrades letters saying that the rapist was responsible and that I wanted to live and loved all my friends and mutual aid up until the rape and it ruined me and I want to ask my friends to look after my true love and protect and care for her

No one ever brought me as much joy as her. She's the only person I've ever truly loved romantically. She made my life so happy. And now it's agony being away from her

I have so many friends and a rich social life. They will do anything for me and I feel really guilty letting them go. But the fact is I'm in so much pain every day being away from my girl and its been so long and even tho I have fixed all the issues she complained about in the relationship and cut off all the abusive people who were making me sick, I am actually even less happy now because I dont have her

I would trade anything to get her back, I would be willing to do the work. I've already fixed a lot of the problems, not even to get her back but because I did a lot of introspection and realised that trying to save "lost causes" wasn't always possible and that i deserve to spend time around people who make me happy like my current friends group (and her)

She was so kind, empathic and sweet. I think I hurt her a lot by hurting myself trying to save others due to her extreme levels of empathy (her high empathy despite the trauma shes been through is why I fell in love with her, ive never met anyone like her before and im very social and interact with hundreds of people weekly)

I want to cause the least amount of harm possible before I go which is why I want to be raped before I go through with the suicide so that she knows that it's not her fault that I need to go

If anyone knows where I can get sodium nitrite in Melbourne or places i can go or things I could do like certain pubs/bars etc so I can get raped, please let me know

I cant keep living without her, its fucking agony

Please help me

 

[wine is fine but]

instead of having to endure another horrific situation, could you not just tell them that you were raped instead of having to go through it?

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible ordeal—it sounds like it was really hard. But if you'd chosen to go through something else that was just as terrible, she might have been upset to hear about that too. I don't mean to dismiss what you're saying, but if you don't mind me asking, have you tried talking to her about it?

 

[limerentsaudade]

instead of having to endure another horrific situation, could you not just tell them that you were raped instead of having to go through it?

I dont feel comfortable lying about sexual assault

I already have so much trauma of people not taking my real rapes and sex trafficking seriously

I also wanna feel traumatised enough again that my suicide feels justified

I also need to feel angry to be able to cause that amount of harm to myself. I dont feel any anger at my ex, she was nothing but sweet and kind towards me, if im thinking about her I won't be able to harm myself because I know I'd be harming her

My previous sexual assaults feel too distant and ive healed from a lot of the trauma the last couple of years (mainly while my ex gf was with me and she taught me what really love was)

But rationally I know that i want the pain to stop and this is the only way I'd be able to do what I need to do unfortunately

I'm so sorry you went through such a terrible ordeal—it sounds like it was really hard. But if you'd chosen to go through something else that was just as terrible, she might have been upset to hear about that too. I don't mean to dismiss what you're saying, but if you don't mind me asking, have you tried talking to her about it?

Talking to her about what? We are currently on no contact terms (her request) and I want to respect her wishes. Also if I told her I wanted to kill myself over the break up that might hurt her

 

[Matchaaa]

Talking to her about what? We are currently on no contact terms (her request) and I want to respect her wishes. Also if I told her I wanted to kill myself over the break up that might hurt her

You have a point. Actually, what I was trying to say earlier is that I wasn't sure how things would turn out if you talked to her about your reflections on that relationship, the changes you've gone through, or expressed your feelings for her. If that really isn't feasible, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you find peace and relief you are search for.

 

[limerentsaudade]

I dont think she would believe me

She gave me so many chances and I kept just saying I'd look after myself and then next thing you know I was trying to save some mentally ill person who was abusing me and my other friends the whole time

I kept telling her i would stop and then somehow kept getting manipulated by people and she couldn't handle seeing me make the same mistakes again and again

I also know she doesn't like several of my current close friends and doesn't believe theyve changed despite how much evidence I have shown her

Also several of the suicidal people who are dependent on me and who I look after would externally resemble the people who hurt me and if I said it's different and they're not abusing me like the previous people, she wouldn't believe me