Venting i want so badly to be gentle and soft and kind, so why am i so full of hate?

[supergold#2]

it hasn't always been like this, all growing up, i'd never been the type to immediately jump to anger, to be so reactive. sure i had my troubles in school, i was definitely a little weird, a bit of an outcast, maybe a bit too edgy at times, but never intentionally malicious; just a little overly-desperate to fit into social circles i had no understanding of and trying to feign confidence a little too hard. eventually it did click for me though, had my share of high-school-heartbreak and whatnot, i had many close friends, i even was on student council my senior year.

so tell me, where did it go wrong?

how did i become this cruel and malicious ball of hate and rage? i have no close friends, no social circle, no romantic interest, and it's my fault entirely, like, i want to just brush it off, say it's the bpd, the ptsd, any of the other acronyms typed and bolded across my case file on some medical practicioners assistant's desk, waiting for another stamp, another visit paid for some nietzchien future goal; but no that's not a good enough excuse for me. somewhere along the lines, not only did i get this cruel, but i started to enjoy it. when i know i have the power to make someone else hurt, i always seem to find a way to justify doing so, at the cost of everything I've ever loved, so why can't i turn it off?
i just want to to back to that sweet and gentle kid who just wanted to make friends with everyone.
i miss her so much.
i just want the torture to stop

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel similarly. I used to be a whole lot nicer than I am now. Maybe the cynicisim was there for me from a fairly young age but, I was probably too shy to let it out. I think for me, it's all fuelled by resentment. But, I don't think that resentment is entirely unreasonable and I no longer see why I should pretend things are fine the whole time either- when they're not. So, while I don't like who I've become, I don't feel bad enough to change it. But yeah, I kind of wish for everyone's sake it had ended for me before this stage.

 

[lilah]

sorry that you're going through this.

i think maybe it's a defense mechanism. life is usually kinder to cruel people and the world despises good people. so eventually, people learn to become predatory. it's a set up.

life might be a farce. we sometimes end up becoming what we hate the most..

 

[supergold#2]

I feel similarly. I used to be a whole lot nicer than I am now. Maybe the cynicisim was there for me from a fairly young age but, I was probably too shy to let it out. I think for me, it's all fuelled by resentment. But, I don't think that resentment is entirely unreasonable and I no longer see why I should pretend things are fine the whole time either- when they're not. So, while I don't like who I've become, I don't feel bad enough to change it. But yeah, I kind of wish for everyone's sake it had ended for me before this stage.

i really appreciate your input, because god, yeah i get this perspective entirely, too. i used to be the queen of ignoring red flags and letting people walk all over me, and while, yeah, i liked being the gentle person that let me be, it's probably a contributing factor in this neurochemical MAID delivery system i've got working in my own head. i just fucking can't stand that there's really no way to simultaneously be soft and tender without being picked to the bone in this world.
like, what i need is something between a mao analysis on contradictions of vulnerability and a sapphos letter on guerilla warfare to really explain what I'm trying to say for me lol