I want out when I feel like this

[signifying nothing]

Stress like a heavy weight pressing down on me, like I'm stuck at the bottom of a pile somewhere, have to be there. Have to take this weight because no one else can - this is my place, this is my purpose, to bear this weight.

I am reduced to this and it is killing me.

 

[signifying nothing]

I feel like I'm doing alright, but then suddenly I'm not. It's like I cannot allow myself to be alright for very long, I have to undermine and destroy the sense that things are improving. It feels like I'm punishing myself, keeping myself down, but I don't understand why.

 

[signifying nothing]

Channels for the flow of my thoughts. They seem to be lessening, so that I am thinking much less than before. In some ways this is a good thing, not ruminating.

But then I had to look up the spelling of a couple of words I should know. They had become unfamiliar, strange in their structure and feel. Unnerving that I might not be entirely 'with it'.

 

[us_1999]

In my bad days too many thoughts run in my mind, but I'm "with" none of them... Now I feel that all thoughts are anxiety pilling on me, not in me. Too many repetitive, abstract thoughts make me feel empty.
Days ago I was still alright. Perhaps when the alrightness weakens and becomes fake, I tend to get rid of them, to search for feelings more real. In order to penetrate the numbness I let myself sink deeper.
It's my first message on ss. Please forgive my poor English...