Venting I want it to end now

[notori]

I just can't decide on a method. There's a gun in the room next to me. Bleach. Medication. Pesticides. hanging. I don't have a rope but I could drive to the store and get one. The feeling is so overwhelming right now. My boyfriend is out of town and im at home by myself. The problem with hanging is I don't have a reliable anchor and god I can't imagine whoever finds me having to cut my body down. I'd rather find a forest or something so it's not my family that has to see it first because I had another family member CTB and the with impact it had on them, I can't do that to them again. I wish this was easier. Is there anything I can get in the US that would have a similar effect as SN that would be easier to obtain? Ideally I want to OD on something where I could do it quietly in and pass out before I die without leaving a mess for everyone else.I'm a little high right now and I bet I could pull something off without thinking too much about it. Why does dying have to be so difficult?! I just want it to be over.
If anyone has any ideas on what a good method would be for me I'm desperate.

Ifeel like a total failure with college, im a straight A student but I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I got into my dream university but then I dropped computer science because I got intimidated. I'm in animation now and I haven't told my boyfriend because he's been so unsupportive with the idea of me changing my major. I just can't imagine myself having a future. I want it to end. I don't have any friends beside him. I have nobody to go to besides him. and I can't go to him. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression for 6 years now and he just can't comprehend that I get sad for no reason, and somehow he makes it about him every time. "You're upset at me and you're not telling me why" or something along those lines. I love him so much and I can't bring myself to leave him but I'm probably about to be ending my life soon anyways.

I've been suffering for so long and I want it to end. I went to residential therapy a few years ago where I experienced abuse and now have PTSD that I'm having to deal with. Abusive relationship after that. I've gotten nothing good out of my life and I can't take it any longer.

I'm an absolute mess right now and I apologize if any of this isn't making sense I'm sort of just rambling and I'm sick right now so I'm sort of out of it. Why can't the end come sooner :(
My stigma against shooting myself is because when I was still in high school one of my classmates shot himself in the head and survived the initial impact and suffered in the hospital until he died and that just sounds so horrific and painful.

 

[ripberman]

I am sorry that you're suffering so much right now and hope your pain subsides soon. I understand that horrible feeling of only having one person to confide in, but being unable to do so because (1) they're unable to comprehend the nature/severity of your problems and (2) it feels unfair to constantly "burden them" with your misery.

Changing your major does not make you a "failure," though, as much as it might feel like a disappointment to your loved ones. I have no advice as to a good method, but wish you peace in both the short-term and long-term.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wanting to be free from all the suffering, I certainly hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for, best wishes.