Hello everyone, thanks in advance for reading my mess here.
I've lurked this place on and off since it existed on reddit. I'm in my 30s now, but I've wanted to die since my mom introduced the idea into my head at a very young age around 7. For a while when things SEEMED to be going well in my mid 20s, I didn't think about it hardly at all. But in the past few years, just about every person I knew and thought cared about me showed otherwise OR I interpreted it otherwise and those relationships are done. I also made mistakes myself that rightfully contributed to ending at least 1 or 2 friendships, but mainly, men have abused me/I've allowed them to and I am unable to have balanced friendships. Funny enough, when I wanted to die in my teens and 20s, it was because I hated myself, but in more recent times it became because I dislike humans in general and think as far as they go I'm actually not that bad. That means though that I started calling people out in their wrongs, and no one likes that person, so here I am.
Recently even with things fallen completely apart, I didn't want to die quite yet, so I decided to leave a newly dangerous situation that had been fine for years though slowly degrading. I wanted to give my cat and dog another chance. I raised them both since they were babies for many years now. So I tried to find housing that would work, in a new area, and start over fresh... and of course ended up sexually harassed by the one new roommate I needed to trust. I can't feel safe here now despite the person telling me to stay, and I just got here a week ago. Every time I get retraumatized like this, I lash out in anger and it really makes people hate me.
I'm moving out tomorrow into my car with my animals. I've now had to list my dog for adoption when I wasn't ready, and I regret not taking more time to do so before (ironically) getting kicked out for calling out animal abuse combo with a hoarding situation with my ex and his family. I'm scared no one will take my dog because she barks so much and can be scary, but luckily she is a more-popular breed, so maybe that will help?
I've been making stupid emotional decisions like trauma dumping to basically acquaintances and it's like I can't stop now, and it's actually starting to mess up the few people I have a little bit of emotional/item storage support from. I've done so much therapy and nothing has worked. So many dozens of medications. I am willing to try again, but right now, I'm literally going to be sleeping in the forest in winter with my 2 animals tomorrow. I have never been homeless/stayed in my car for more than just a few nights. I'm not worried about myself at all, but my animals. I have to find them a home before I run out of money, and unfortunately, it's the worst time ever to find new homes for animals.
Man, there is so much I want to say on this forum, but I can't believe it came to where this is what I need to write about. I guess I could use some words of encouragement or something. I've been reading tons of advice on living out of my car but I know I'm still not ready for it.
Going to post in some other threads to up my post count while I wait for replies to this.
I've lurked this place on and off since it existed on reddit. I'm in my 30s now, but I've wanted to die since my mom introduced the idea into my head at a very young age around 7. For a while when things SEEMED to be going well in my mid 20s, I didn't think about it hardly at all. But in the past few years, just about every person I knew and thought cared about me showed otherwise OR I interpreted it otherwise and those relationships are done. I also made mistakes myself that rightfully contributed to ending at least 1 or 2 friendships, but mainly, men have abused me/I've allowed them to and I am unable to have balanced friendships. Funny enough, when I wanted to die in my teens and 20s, it was because I hated myself, but in more recent times it became because I dislike humans in general and think as far as they go I'm actually not that bad. That means though that I started calling people out in their wrongs, and no one likes that person, so here I am.
Recently even with things fallen completely apart, I didn't want to die quite yet, so I decided to leave a newly dangerous situation that had been fine for years though slowly degrading. I wanted to give my cat and dog another chance. I raised them both since they were babies for many years now. So I tried to find housing that would work, in a new area, and start over fresh... and of course ended up sexually harassed by the one new roommate I needed to trust. I can't feel safe here now despite the person telling me to stay, and I just got here a week ago. Every time I get retraumatized like this, I lash out in anger and it really makes people hate me.
I'm moving out tomorrow into my car with my animals. I've now had to list my dog for adoption when I wasn't ready, and I regret not taking more time to do so before (ironically) getting kicked out for calling out animal abuse combo with a hoarding situation with my ex and his family. I'm scared no one will take my dog because she barks so much and can be scary, but luckily she is a more-popular breed, so maybe that will help?
I've been making stupid emotional decisions like trauma dumping to basically acquaintances and it's like I can't stop now, and it's actually starting to mess up the few people I have a little bit of emotional/item storage support from. I've done so much therapy and nothing has worked. So many dozens of medications. I am willing to try again, but right now, I'm literally going to be sleeping in the forest in winter with my 2 animals tomorrow. I have never been homeless/stayed in my car for more than just a few nights. I'm not worried about myself at all, but my animals. I have to find them a home before I run out of money, and unfortunately, it's the worst time ever to find new homes for animals.
Man, there is so much I want to say on this forum, but I can't believe it came to where this is what I need to write about. I guess I could use some words of encouragement or something. I've been reading tons of advice on living out of my car but I know I'm still not ready for it.
Going to post in some other threads to up my post count while I wait for replies to this.
