monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 495
(please do not give me advice in the comments or ask me personal questions! i am not asking for that and it makes me feel bad about myself ❤︎)
i don't have enough money for any attempt besides hanging. i keep thinking about mutilating myself or running into the road and trying to get smashed into by a high speed car. for a long time now i've been having these intrusive thoughts that i can't break out of unless i go to sleep, and then i have them again the moment i wake up. i just wish i was asleep again because i don't want to think about stuff that normal people would call anxious nonsense spiraling thoughts. no one understands me when i talk about it, they just tell me to think about other things and talk about other things. great. that makes me feel like a million bucks.
because of my lack of money i just think about shoplifting from the pharmacy aisle or buying more sleeping medicine with what's left in my card and just trying to guzzle it in my room. i know ods off otc drugs will never work. a part of me wants to hold out hope that maybe i'll be weak enough to die. i can't ask anyone for help. i can't run away. the heat outside is too much and people will have even less sympathy towards me if i became homeless, because i would become nothing to them.
i just want to live in a hospital or a prison than keep living in my house where i get nothing down and my mom gets an ego trip over me being unemployed and having no way to leave the house without a license. she likes that i still act like a kid because she wants me to be a kid, and everyone else around me still sees me as a kid too even though i'm 20. i still act, look, and talk immaturely and no one thinks i'm smart enough to do anything. it's awful that i have to keep living because i haven't gotten brave enough to do full suspension. i feel like such a coward when i set up the rope and then take it down and then another day i want to hang myself again because i feel so miserable that nothing's changed. no one gives a fuck if you're in a constant downward spiral. i can't reach out to people about it because they're always going to think that it's too heavy and they want me to keep it to myself.
i'm sick of going on here and posting the same things because i haven't gotten any better. i get so stressed out over literally nothing. i do nothing all day and then get stressed out about it because i'm a fucking loser. no matter how much personal information i could give out on the internet, no one would ever come to my house and actually just kill me. no one even knows who i am because i don't have any social media. it's actually awful that no one's willing to kill you no matter how vulnerable you make yourself, because no one wants to go through that effort when they can just go on WPD or something. i'm so sick of crying like a hurt little puppy in my room when i know that my existence doesn't matter and that i'm always going to be a replaceable, disposable, irritating person.
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