gogoprince
Member
- Dec 19, 2021
- 53
I want to thank my social anxiety for making me constantly too wigged out to roll up into a gun store and try and buy a gun. I want to thank my crippling fear of pain/uncertainty for preventing me from being too impulsive and ingesting poison or drugs. I also want to thank my awful, intellectual vanity for making me too scared to cause myself brain damage lest I fail an attempt. All these things I completely hated about myself ended up saving my life: wild. And all of it made me stick around long enough to a) find the love of my life, b) accept responsibility for my terrible relationship with sex and pornography (which until recently I erroneously referred to as an 'addiction' i.e. something out of my control. How convenient?), c) meet wonderful friends who love me and will be joining me for dinner tomorrow to celebrate, and perhaps most importantly d) learn the teachings of the Buddha and apply them to my life.
Not everyone's story is so simple as mine. I quite literally had everything going for me and still found a way to fuck it up for almost thirty years straight. I let every little thing in my life absolutely destroy my will to live: a break-up, a bad hair day, anything. But somehow, managing to never follow through on anything most of that time, meant I survived. Just being here led to so much.
Just a few years ago when I had to have a drink just after waking up to mellow out and spent the entire day when I wasn't at work chasing meaningless hookups with anyone (I mean ANYONE) I wished a bus would just run my ass over. I spent most of my time and energy carrying the burden of a false image I thought I was supposed to project to the world because I wasn't worthy of anyone's love or regard if they knew "the real me". But the "real me" was just fucking scared, and I still am, but I tell people that and I cry in front of them and say "some days I don't know if I'm a man, or a woman", or "sometimes I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing", etc. etc. And everything manages to still be okay somehow?
I just feel so incredibly lucky today. And I'm grateful for every minute of my life, even the parts where I wallowed in shame and self-loathing because it all led me to where I am now and it gave me a big heart. I don't know what else to say. I just feel amazed.
Not everyone's story is so simple as mine. I quite literally had everything going for me and still found a way to fuck it up for almost thirty years straight. I let every little thing in my life absolutely destroy my will to live: a break-up, a bad hair day, anything. But somehow, managing to never follow through on anything most of that time, meant I survived. Just being here led to so much.
Just a few years ago when I had to have a drink just after waking up to mellow out and spent the entire day when I wasn't at work chasing meaningless hookups with anyone (I mean ANYONE) I wished a bus would just run my ass over. I spent most of my time and energy carrying the burden of a false image I thought I was supposed to project to the world because I wasn't worthy of anyone's love or regard if they knew "the real me". But the "real me" was just fucking scared, and I still am, but I tell people that and I cry in front of them and say "some days I don't know if I'm a man, or a woman", or "sometimes I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing", etc. etc. And everything manages to still be okay somehow?
I just feel so incredibly lucky today. And I'm grateful for every minute of my life, even the parts where I wallowed in shame and self-loathing because it all led me to where I am now and it gave me a big heart. I don't know what else to say. I just feel amazed.
