I think this thread will be very whiny and it will be long one. And kind of repetitive to my old ones.
The last days I feel more manic. I wake up too early and barely can sleep anymore at the morning. I will probably increase emergency medication though I am always scared to become addicted. If I become a benzo addict I probably need to kill myself. However it is not as bad as a new psychotic episode in my opinion. So I gonna keep gambling.
What makes me manic? College it is really stressful. I have a lot of OCD to be perfect it tortures me. But I have great grades so far. But it ruins my life quality. I am a prisoner in my own mind.
I am overthinking about women. I did not write about it because when I become delusional explaining my thoughts makes it sometimes worse. It reinforces my belief in it in some way. Though basically nothing happened but I suspect a gorgeous girl in college could have a crush on me. My brain is so pathetic it interprets interactions with beautiful/attractive women too often as love interest. However this happened so far so often that I am more sceptical about the thought. My brain deceived me way too often with this trick. It is interesting I am quite self-aware in many instances but I clearly have problems with women/ love interests.
This will probably doom me to forever loneliness. It is really cynical. I think my brain has this distortion because deep down my desire for a partner is so strong. I try to still cling to the hope for a gf some day but I tell to myself not now I am too unstable. I think when it is college I am too unstable. Maybe I try online-dating when I have vacation. But I think online-dating rather sucks. I try not to think too much about her. Honestly I think we do not even fit together but tell that my insane brain. One thought that kind of helps is the following. Well most people suck. Most people suck when they are confronted with a vulnerable person with suicidal thoughts and mental illness. So this is kind of a counterbalance to my thoughts. Maybe she has interest in me now (this is still very unlikely but tell that my brain) but if she knew me she would try to get away from me asap. I think psychosis and bipolar both are so stigmatized. (I experienced many stereotypes in the past).
I think it is pretty hard to find someone if one is as ill as me. Maybe someone likes me when I am feeling better but will they be there for me when I am suicidal? I doubt it. Especially when I read all the horror stories in this forum. I read that a member lost a friend because of a suicide attempt. Damn that is awful. I am glad I have my friends. I try to accomodate to loneliness (concerning a partner). This forum is a relief for me. I feel less lonely when I am writing here.
I am currently quite good in social interactions. So good that it scares me. I crack many funny jokes and impress people. Though this can trigger manic thoughts. This social skill may be even caused by mania. Megalomania is scary. Gladly I am doing not that crazy shit as Kanye. Though when I kill myself after the next psychosis it will not matter anyway.
Maybe I should come now to the core of this thread. I think many people around me think: His life finally turns into a good direction. The bad years are over. I think this is an illusion. My therapists are/were optimistic because I seemingly can attend college without becoming manic. I think they are wrong. My biggest problem with this illness (bipolar with psychosis) was never to leave depression. Personally I would have prefered to stay forever severely depressive (no joke) if I could have in exchange the guarantee never to experience a crash after mania again. Honestly I am very repetitive on it. But I am so fucking scared that the pain returns. Often when I think about it churns my whole body (not sure whether I used that word correctly). I need to kill myself very soon after the next psychotic episode. The pain was unimaginable. All the positive developments don't mean much to me because I think a relapse is with this illness only matter of time.
I really hate to disappoint people. This is why I hold the expectations always very low. Some months ago my mom had a stroke. I felt kind of guilty because I told her how scared I am about the future prior to that. I told her that I and my sister probably cannot work and that I worry so much. This is only a little glimpse behind the facade of my thoughts. I mean I am anxious as fuck and think daily about my future suicide. Though I am kind of scared my statement to my mom could have stressed her. This is why I play now as if I had my shit together. It hurts to pretend that. But I see how happy my mom is. My logic with being honest was. Maybe my parents could understand my sorrows better. Maybe they would try to save more money. Act more strategically and make more preparations. However now I changed my mind on it completely. My dad has a dementia like brain caused by untreated depression (my personal theory). He forgets so much (especially negative facts which could give him a guilty conscience) and my mom needs to be protected from unnecessary stress. My sister is a mess. Probably not sane either (even worse than me she barely is self-aware.) she acts really weird. She does not seem to give a fuck about the vulnerability of my mom. She is so needy towards her. I considered to talk to her that our mom should take a break of the stress. Though I am kind of scared this could make the situation even worse. I am not quite sure how "not all there anymore" my sister is. And honestly I have bigger problems like that. She begs people to spend all their time with her. She had the thought. I don't want to be alone anymore not any second of my whole life. With this attitude she ruined some friendships which was pretty predictable.
I think my family is completely fucked and I am the only one who is self-aware about that. Moreover I am now forced to never mention it again because it could panic them. I could tell it my dad but he would just repeat some platitudes and within one week he would have completely forgotten my words. And I am not exaggerating. One of the biggest problems will be the financials. Though I have the feelling currently I will kill myself prior to poverty. The shit with my mom (her stroke) completely shocked me. We need positive miracles and not that shit. And my horrific nightmare thought is now I might kill my mom when I attempt suicide. That she might get another stroke and that I survive. So I am a huge misery shit show without any good escape. Suicide has become even more difficult.
Honestly I find it completely absurd, naive and completely ridiculous that I am the biggest hope for the financials for this family. Even my mom (not sure about my dad) seems to understand that my sister probably cannot work. And I tell you these people are completely delusional and are extremely skilled in forgetting thoughts that could make them feel bad. My mom bought it within a second when I told her I might can work, she does not have to worry about that and that everything will be fine. Honestly it is shocking how naive these people are. She does not question it any second. It is so obivous that I am only acting like that to protect her. I wish I could be so ignorant and naive like them. It would make my life way easier. Forgetting everything that could make me sad or feel guilty in any sense in a heartbeat.
I am thankful I can at least be here honest and share my thoughts without any filter. I can do this my friends too but I have the need to talk and vent a lot so that it overburdened them in the past.
So what keeps me going? Currently I have no psychosomatic pain. And I spend all my energy to fulfil my OCD behaviors without going beyond my stress limit.
It is kind of a bittersweet melancholia that I feel now. I listen in this moment to Falling Down from Lil Peep and XXXtentacion. I could imagine listen to that prior to my suicide. In encapsulates this feeling so well. Life can be so terrible unfair and at the same time it is bittersweet. I currently feel better than in the past. I have more life quality in some instances but my future seems to be doomed. It gives me the vibes of dying too young but at the same time not being able to change the outcome anyway. It is a beautiful song. Though it is ironic Peep would have probably disliked this feature with xxxtentacion a lot because xxxtentacion hated LGBTQI+ people. So maybe this beautiful sound has something deceiving. I don't know.
I know quite a long thread. And even without a rhetorical question in the title.
The last days I feel more manic. I wake up too early and barely can sleep anymore at the morning. I will probably increase emergency medication though I am always scared to become addicted. If I become a benzo addict I probably need to kill myself. However it is not as bad as a new psychotic episode in my opinion. So I gonna keep gambling.
What makes me manic? College it is really stressful. I have a lot of OCD to be perfect it tortures me. But I have great grades so far. But it ruins my life quality. I am a prisoner in my own mind.
I am overthinking about women. I did not write about it because when I become delusional explaining my thoughts makes it sometimes worse. It reinforces my belief in it in some way. Though basically nothing happened but I suspect a gorgeous girl in college could have a crush on me. My brain is so pathetic it interprets interactions with beautiful/attractive women too often as love interest. However this happened so far so often that I am more sceptical about the thought. My brain deceived me way too often with this trick. It is interesting I am quite self-aware in many instances but I clearly have problems with women/ love interests.
This will probably doom me to forever loneliness. It is really cynical. I think my brain has this distortion because deep down my desire for a partner is so strong. I try to still cling to the hope for a gf some day but I tell to myself not now I am too unstable. I think when it is college I am too unstable. Maybe I try online-dating when I have vacation. But I think online-dating rather sucks. I try not to think too much about her. Honestly I think we do not even fit together but tell that my insane brain. One thought that kind of helps is the following. Well most people suck. Most people suck when they are confronted with a vulnerable person with suicidal thoughts and mental illness. So this is kind of a counterbalance to my thoughts. Maybe she has interest in me now (this is still very unlikely but tell that my brain) but if she knew me she would try to get away from me asap. I think psychosis and bipolar both are so stigmatized. (I experienced many stereotypes in the past).
I think it is pretty hard to find someone if one is as ill as me. Maybe someone likes me when I am feeling better but will they be there for me when I am suicidal? I doubt it. Especially when I read all the horror stories in this forum. I read that a member lost a friend because of a suicide attempt. Damn that is awful. I am glad I have my friends. I try to accomodate to loneliness (concerning a partner). This forum is a relief for me. I feel less lonely when I am writing here.
I am currently quite good in social interactions. So good that it scares me. I crack many funny jokes and impress people. Though this can trigger manic thoughts. This social skill may be even caused by mania. Megalomania is scary. Gladly I am doing not that crazy shit as Kanye. Though when I kill myself after the next psychosis it will not matter anyway.
Maybe I should come now to the core of this thread. I think many people around me think: His life finally turns into a good direction. The bad years are over. I think this is an illusion. My therapists are/were optimistic because I seemingly can attend college without becoming manic. I think they are wrong. My biggest problem with this illness (bipolar with psychosis) was never to leave depression. Personally I would have prefered to stay forever severely depressive (no joke) if I could have in exchange the guarantee never to experience a crash after mania again. Honestly I am very repetitive on it. But I am so fucking scared that the pain returns. Often when I think about it churns my whole body (not sure whether I used that word correctly). I need to kill myself very soon after the next psychotic episode. The pain was unimaginable. All the positive developments don't mean much to me because I think a relapse is with this illness only matter of time.
I really hate to disappoint people. This is why I hold the expectations always very low. Some months ago my mom had a stroke. I felt kind of guilty because I told her how scared I am about the future prior to that. I told her that I and my sister probably cannot work and that I worry so much. This is only a little glimpse behind the facade of my thoughts. I mean I am anxious as fuck and think daily about my future suicide. Though I am kind of scared my statement to my mom could have stressed her. This is why I play now as if I had my shit together. It hurts to pretend that. But I see how happy my mom is. My logic with being honest was. Maybe my parents could understand my sorrows better. Maybe they would try to save more money. Act more strategically and make more preparations. However now I changed my mind on it completely. My dad has a dementia like brain caused by untreated depression (my personal theory). He forgets so much (especially negative facts which could give him a guilty conscience) and my mom needs to be protected from unnecessary stress. My sister is a mess. Probably not sane either (even worse than me she barely is self-aware.) she acts really weird. She does not seem to give a fuck about the vulnerability of my mom. She is so needy towards her. I considered to talk to her that our mom should take a break of the stress. Though I am kind of scared this could make the situation even worse. I am not quite sure how "not all there anymore" my sister is. And honestly I have bigger problems like that. She begs people to spend all their time with her. She had the thought. I don't want to be alone anymore not any second of my whole life. With this attitude she ruined some friendships which was pretty predictable.
I think my family is completely fucked and I am the only one who is self-aware about that. Moreover I am now forced to never mention it again because it could panic them. I could tell it my dad but he would just repeat some platitudes and within one week he would have completely forgotten my words. And I am not exaggerating. One of the biggest problems will be the financials. Though I have the feelling currently I will kill myself prior to poverty. The shit with my mom (her stroke) completely shocked me. We need positive miracles and not that shit. And my horrific nightmare thought is now I might kill my mom when I attempt suicide. That she might get another stroke and that I survive. So I am a huge misery shit show without any good escape. Suicide has become even more difficult.
Honestly I find it completely absurd, naive and completely ridiculous that I am the biggest hope for the financials for this family. Even my mom (not sure about my dad) seems to understand that my sister probably cannot work. And I tell you these people are completely delusional and are extremely skilled in forgetting thoughts that could make them feel bad. My mom bought it within a second when I told her I might can work, she does not have to worry about that and that everything will be fine. Honestly it is shocking how naive these people are. She does not question it any second. It is so obivous that I am only acting like that to protect her. I wish I could be so ignorant and naive like them. It would make my life way easier. Forgetting everything that could make me sad or feel guilty in any sense in a heartbeat.
I am thankful I can at least be here honest and share my thoughts without any filter. I can do this my friends too but I have the need to talk and vent a lot so that it overburdened them in the past.
So what keeps me going? Currently I have no psychosomatic pain. And I spend all my energy to fulfil my OCD behaviors without going beyond my stress limit.
It is kind of a bittersweet melancholia that I feel now. I listen in this moment to Falling Down from Lil Peep and XXXtentacion. I could imagine listen to that prior to my suicide. In encapsulates this feeling so well. Life can be so terrible unfair and at the same time it is bittersweet. I currently feel better than in the past. I have more life quality in some instances but my future seems to be doomed. It gives me the vibes of dying too young but at the same time not being able to change the outcome anyway. It is a beautiful song. Though it is ironic Peep would have probably disliked this feature with xxxtentacion a lot because xxxtentacion hated LGBTQI+ people. So maybe this beautiful sound has something deceiving. I don't know.
I know quite a long thread. And even without a rhetorical question in the title.
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