Story I tried to ctb on September

[reallysleepy]

I tried to ctb for the first time in my life on September.

I wasn't feeling that low, I was really functional after a year of not even being able to do the dishes because of my anxiety and on September I was doing things that got me out of the house almost everyday, I was taking care of my image and keeping my house tidy and kind of clean.

I was still very fucking sad tho and the realization that I wasn't ever going to be fully OK and that the world is really hostile hit me hard. I also never stopped thinking about ctbeing (I have think about it almost non stop since I was 8ish).

I didn't really plan on ctbeing. In January I researched methods and my main method was, and is, inert gas and my second method was, and is, suffocating with a bag while being hella high so I pass out and don't take the bag off my head (I read this in a PPH volume).

I convinced my psychiatrist to prescribe me with lorazepam and never took it so I could have a bunch of lorazepam pills in case I needed to go with the second method which I was saving it in case I needed to go fast and wasn't able to gather all the materials for the inert gas method.

On September 23rd I woke up and thought "today is the day", I was in a friend's house but she wasn't there, I spent all day in her bed, skipped my activies, went to my house and bought like 3 litters of beer and some cognac (I love drinking, I love drinking by myself. It's the only moment I feel clarity and tranquility).

At my place I started drinking while consuming media about ctb so I would get triggered (I watched wristcutters and some episodes of please like me). When I ran out of alcohol I smoked a joint, took like 30 pills and put a bag on my head. I, of course, did it wrong. I was supposed to make an exit bag, put the bag while holding it open and, when I past out, it would close on my head and I would suffocate. But my drunk-high ass just got a regular bag and put it right on with a rope around my neck.

I was with the bag for what felt like 15 min (but it was probably way less than that) until the co2 build up so I couldn't stand it and took the bag of. Then I fucking past out

My boyfriend and my mom found me the next the morning on the floor, with my pants pissed and my mouth full of blood from the fall from the bed to the floor. They took me to the hospital and my mom convinced the doctors not to send me to the psych ward (I went once and it wasn't the best experience so she respects my desire of not going again).

Now I'm living with my mother so she can monitor me, I'm always with someone and they are all scared that I do it again. And I'm going to do it again, but this time right, with everything planned. My current plan is to get a little better (or look better) so I can regain some independence and buy a nitrogen tank and . Probably next year.

I just needed to get this story out of my chest, thank you ❤

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Thanks for sharing your story, sleepy. I'm glad that your mom respected your wishes re psych ward. I hope you're able to pass your time doing things you enjoy.

Have you seen Before Night Falls? Highly recommend. So beautiful. It's about a queer Cuban author. He ended with pills and bag, but he had an assistant.

It's true the world is so hostile. Some of us have a hard time just existing.

 

[Jericho]

I tried to ctb for the first time in my life on September.

I wasn't feeling that low, I was really functional after a year of not even being able to do the dishes because of my anxiety and on September I was doing things that got me out of the house almost everyday, I was taking care of my image and keeping my house tidy and kind of clean.

I was still very fucking sad tho and the realization that I wasn't ever going to be fully OK and that the world is really hostile hit me hard. I also never stopped thinking about ctbeing (I have think about it almost non stop since I was 8ish).

I didn't really plan on ctbeing. In January I researched methods and my main method was, and is, inert gas and my second method was, and is, suffocating with a bag while being hella high so I pass out and don't take the bag off my head (I read this in a PPH volume).

I convinced my psychiatrist to prescribe me with lorazepam and never took it so I could have a bunch of lorazepam pills in case I needed to go with the second method which I was saving it in case I needed to go fast and wasn't able to gather all the materials for the inert gas method.

On September 23rd I woke up and thought "today is the day", I was in a friend's house but she wasn't there, I spent all day in her bed, skipped my activies, went to my house and bought like 3 litters of beer and some cognac (I love drinking, I love drinking by myself. It's the only moment I feel clarity and tranquility).

At my place I started drinking while consuming media about ctb so I would get triggered (I watched wristcutters and some episodes of please like me). When I ran out of alcohol I smoked a joint, took like 30 pills and put a bag on my head. I, of course, did it wrong. I was supposed to make an exit bag, put the bag while holding it open and, when I past out, it would close on my head and I would suffocate. But my drunk-high ass just got a regular bag and put it right on with a rope around my neck.

I was with the bag for what felt like 15 min (but it was probably way less than that) until the co2 build up so I couldn't stand it and took the bag of. Then I fucking past out

My boyfriend and my mom found me the next the morning on the floor, with my pants pissed and my mouth full of blood from the fall from the bed to the floor. They took me to the hospital and my mom convinced the doctors not to send me to the psych ward (I went once and it wasn't the best experience so she respects my desire of not going again).

Now I'm living with my mother so she can monitor me, I'm always with someone and they are all scared that I do it again. And I'm going to do it again, but this time right, with everything planned. My current plan is to get a little better (or look better) so I can regain some independence and buy a nitrogen tank and . Probably next year.

I just needed to get this story out of my chest, thank you ❤

Thanks for sharing. Been looking for some methods on my own as well. I've wanted to CTB for a while now. Been dealing with mental health almost all my life, wound up losing my family now, can't see my kids, my wife continues to paint me as a monster when she's a large portion of the reason that I feel this way. A lot of people wouldn't think it, but men can be abused as well. This woman has literally broken me down to the point where I haven't wanted to live for the last 7 years. The only reason I'm still here is because we had kids together and I wanted to be there for my kids. Well doing our final hash out of making the decision that we're going to go our separate ways, I opened my mouth and told her well it's going to take something drastic to keep me from my kids, because I will fight for them. Well maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth because she then made accusations against me that in today's world will ensure that I may never see my kids again. She called in a domestic, mentioned the fact that I own firearms, and alleged abuse against both of my children. Abuse that never occurred but she was even able to coach my kids against me you can clearly tell that what they stated is coached because my kids don't speak the way that the statements are made in the report. This isn't the first time that she has used my kids as a weapon against me. And after 13 years I'm just tired of fighting. She took the last thing that I had keeping me alive. And with the accusations that she placed, I'll never see my kids again so then what's the point if they are all I'm living for. It isn't like this is just some new feeling though. As stated I felt this way for quite some time, she just lit the green light is all. Because of the PFA I've been restricted from my home and don't have any money because I was injured at work a year ago and had reconstructive surgery and can't work. I don't receive any benefits however and so I'm living out of my car with a minuscule amount of money that's in my wallet. I've been in a house fire before and suffered second and third degree burns. I can tell you that the areas that had the third degree burns were much less painful because it burns away the pain receptors. As such I'm thinking about CTBeing by fire. I won't be putting anyone else in danger of course. I am a hunter and I have lots of fire starting equipment in my trunk that I plan to take with me to the woods in one of my spots in the National Forest. And then surrounding myself with firewood and fire starters and striking my ferro rod. In the middle of the bonfire I'll lose oxygen quite quickly as the flames consume it and even though it is going to hurt, it won't hurt for long. There's a part of me that feels like maybe I'm just not worth it and I deserve a little pain. But the other reason I chose this method is because I plan leaving a note in my car at the entrance to these woods explaining that since she wants to continue painting me as something grotesque. That I have chosen the final image of myself for the coroner's notes to be something quite grotesque when they eventually find my body. This will launch a search when my abandoned car and that note is found. But by that time I'll be long gone and quite the grotesque image that she seems to want to paint me as.

 

[piddincir]

Thank you for sharing your story and sorry for you pain.

This all really resonated. My wife recently chose to exit this way, she had been drinking and decided on a whim to do it with a bag. She did it laying down and had tapped the bag to her neck, she did it with a regular supermarket bag, one of the thick bags for life ones.

You're struggles sound very similar to hers, she always had problems with ideation from a very young age and was very impulsive, she also loved drinking alone and from what I've discovered did a lot when I was in the office, but I know she wanted to live, weird to say considering she's dead but she struggled these demons as long as she could.

From what I've read it's a hard way to go as you can pull the bag from your head unconsciously but she didn't and hope now she's at peace.

Thank you for sharing it's painful to hear but helps me to understand a little better what she was going through when she died.

Nitrogen seems like the one, I brought helium, that Is meant to be 98% but I guess I won't know until I try, ironically I brought it when in a psych ward my parents had me committed to when they thought I was going to ctb (I wasn't) . I wish I had brought nitrogen now though with more research.

 

[FuneralCry]

A ctb attempt going wrong and just leading to more suffering sounds so awful to me, I wish that it's more straightforward to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[reallysleepy]

Thanks for sharing your story, sleepy. I'm glad that your mom respected your wishes re psych ward. I hope you're able to pass your time doing things you enjoy.

Have you seen Before Night Falls? Highly recommend. So beautiful. It's about a queer Cuban author. He ended with pills and bag, but he had an assistant.

It's true the world is so hostile. Some of us have a hard time just existing.

Thank you grey ❤ I do try to enjoy as much as possible, specially because I'm going to be around a little more.

I'm grateful for my mom's reaction to all of this, she has been really comprehensive of my bpd crisis and my bdp and depression in general. I wish she would understand my ctb desire and/or respect it but that's probably asking too much lol.

I'll check that movie for sure and see if I can read some of Reinaldo Arenas's work, I've never heard of him before. Thank you!

I'm sorry that the world is also hostile for you. I hope you can find a sort of safe space where to be yourself and share it with whoever you want to in camaraderie (if you don't already have it). For me at least, the only times I'm better are those where I have that.

Thank you for sharing your story and sorry for you pain.

This all really resonated. My wife recently chose to exit this way, she had been drinking and decided on a whim to do it with a bag. She did it laying down and had tapped the bag to her neck, she did it with a regular supermarket bag, one of the thick bags for life ones.

You're struggles sound very similar to hers, she always had problems with ideation from a very young age and was very impulsive, she also loved drinking alone and from what I've discovered did a lot when I was in the office, but I know she wanted to live, weird to say considering she's dead but she struggled these demons as long as she could.

From what I've read it's a hard way to go as you can pull the bag from your head unconsciously but she didn't and hope now she's at peace.

Thank you for sharing it's painful to hear but helps me to understand a little better what she was going through when she died.

Nitrogen seems like the one, I brought helium, that Is meant to be 98% but I guess I won't know until I try, ironically I brought it when in a psych ward my parents had me committed to when they thought I was going to ctb (I wasn't) . I wish I had brought nitrogen now though with more research.

I'm really sorry you had to go through your wife ctb, I can't even imagine how hard that must be. I'm glad my story is of help to you, that's more than what I would ever want for this post ❤❤

About the purity of the helium tank you bought, I read this thread from a welder saying that they never lie with that sort of info (if you bought from a store and not a individual):

Inert Gas Cylinder & Regulator, General Refresher Summary:

I've stopped posting on this forum for various reasons--including some personal moral and ethical concerns, and the frustration with so many posters who refuse to do the most basic level of research into methods, even so far as bothering to read the relevant mega-threads on this site from the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Also, in case you don't know, you can get a device that measures the level of oxygen in the air. The way of doing it is getting a mannequin head, putting the exit bag on the head with the device inside the bag and openning the tank. Here is a pic of one of this devices (the pic is at the end of the post).

I hope you can find peace and if you end up using the tank and there is something after this life, I hope you can be reunited with you wife.

Thanks for sharing. Been looking for some methods on my own as well. I've wanted to CTB for a while now. Been dealing with mental health almost all my life, wound up losing my family now, can't see my kids, my wife continues to paint me as a monster when she's a large portion of the reason that I feel this way. A lot of people wouldn't think it, but men can be abused as well. This woman has literally broken me down to the point where I haven't wanted to live for the last 7 years. The only reason I'm still here is because we had kids together and I wanted to be there for my kids. Well doing our final hash out of making the decision that we're going to go our separate ways, I opened my mouth and told her well it's going to take something drastic to keep me from my kids, because I will fight for them. Well maybe I shouldn't have opened my mouth because she then made accusations against me that in today's world will ensure that I may never see my kids again. She called in a domestic, mentioned the fact that I own firearms, and alleged abuse against both of my children. Abuse that never occurred but she was even able to coach my kids against me you can clearly tell that what they stated is coached because my kids don't speak the way that the statements are made in the report. This isn't the first time that she has used my kids as a weapon against me. And after 13 years I'm just tired of fighting. She took the last thing that I had keeping me alive. And with the accusations that she placed, I'll never see my kids again so then what's the point if they are all I'm living for. It isn't like this is just some new feeling though. As stated I felt this way for quite some time, she just lit the green light is all. Because of the PFA I've been restricted from my home and don't have any money because I was injured at work a year ago and had reconstructive surgery and can't work. I don't receive any benefits however and so I'm living out of my car with a minuscule amount of money that's in my wallet. I've been in a house fire before and suffered second and third degree burns. I can tell you that the areas that had the third degree burns were much less painful because it burns away the pain receptors. As such I'm thinking about CTBeing by fire. I won't be putting anyone else in danger of course. I am a hunter and I have lots of fire starting equipment in my trunk that I plan to take with me to the woods in one of my spots in the National Forest. And then surrounding myself with firewood and fire starters and striking my ferro rod. In the middle of the bonfire I'll lose oxygen quite quickly as the flames consume it and even though it is going to hurt, it won't hurt for long. There's a part of me that feels like maybe I'm just not worth it and I deserve a little pain. But the other reason I chose this method is because I plan leaving a note in my car at the entrance to these woods explaining that since she wants to continue painting me as something grotesque. That I have chosen the final image of myself for the coroner's notes to be something quite grotesque when they eventually find my body. This will launch a search when my abandoned car and that note is found. But by that time I'll be long gone and quite the grotesque image that she seems to want to paint me as.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this, it seems tremendously painful. You don't deserve pain during your final moments and specially you don't deserve more pain because of this. I hope you find the peace you are looking for and, if you decide to go this way, I hope that everything goes perfectly with your plan.

A ctb attempt going wrong and just leading to more suffering sounds so awful to me, I wish that it's more straightforward to cease existing on our own terms. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

Thank you ❤ I wish suicide wasn't a taboo so we didn't have to live our last moments in shadows and we could have proper goodies.